It's a valid question.
Who was she? Her name was Cary.
She was beautiful. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I liked her. A smile that could light up the room. I loved her smile. Her laugh was incredible. Her sexual appetite perhaps too much. Then again, it was like that to cover up her pain. She carried around so much emotional pain.
Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Her mother was overly critical of her appearance and made Cary very self conscious in her youth. At 13, she was raped by three boys. The other males in her life were not much better. Her boyfriend Mark in high school beat her up. He was abusive and even blackmailed her. Her ex-husband cheated on her, told her she was fat and unattractive. There is so much I probably don't know. What was she covering up that was not told to me?
Did she also cheat on her ex-husband as he claimed? She did cheat on her boyfriends in high school. She cheated on Mike, her first love while they were in culinary school with his best friend. And she cheated on him constantly. She showed no remorse for it. There seemed to be a lack of conscience. Cheating seemed second nature to her. Why not cheat if she felt entitled to it? She thought all men were cheaters. She had been hurt for years. She hated the other woman in her marriage. It seems she wanted to take some power back for herself. Who knows when it started, but she began her secret relationship with her boss, Vincent, in her mid twenties. Around the time of her divorce and her father dying is when it supposedly started. Her new father figure had arrived. Perhaps her personality disorder was manifesting at this point. Vincent was married. He was her boss. He spoiled Cary, buying her expensive shoes, jewelry and who knows what else. He liked taking her away on trips behind his wife's back. It seems to me this started before her divorce. What are the chances she was faithful (while her ex thought her to be cheating with her boss) and then after the divorce they start a relationship? Is it that she cannot help herself? Welcome to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. When she feels unloved, not valid, not good enough, not desired, she gets that validation from men. Sex to be precise. The chances that she cheated on her ex husband are very high. Everything is about her needs. Everything.
So, she meets me. Supposedly I turn her head. She sees me as her rescuer. The man who could possibly make her dreams come true. Her new identity is being created. She picks me over him. She talks about a baby. Searching for that thing to make her complete, she thinks she finds it on my path. Who knows how long it took but I am sure she was back in his arms whenever she needed something. To fill that void inside her. Before we went exclusive, she had sexual escapades with me, her boss, Carl, Bobby the bass player, as well as one night stands with others. How many do I not know about? She cybered online with men. She drank excessively. She loved to spend money. A trainwreck waiting to happen. She started modeling again with my help and spawned two modeling identities: one good and one bad so to say. A makeup artist portfolio. A jewelry line. Always needing to do something more to fill up her life that felt so empty to her. I was not enough for her. Neither was the modeling. The boss wasn't either. A term like contentment was foreign to her. Comfort was not preferred. Only drama and chaos: what she has been used to her entire life.
Self medicating with pills to combat depression, she refused therapy. She mixed them with pain killers, muscle relaxers, topamax for migraine prevention, medicine for her bladder, IBS, reflux and who knows what else. She became a zombie. By the time she went off of her depression meds cold turkey for four days, the cracks split wide open. This person, who was inside the whole time, was now out. The identity she had with me could no longer be sustained. Her emotions always a whirlwind due to her bpd, she was not sure she loved me anymore. Later, of course, she did. But it was too late.
While on a break, she went off with Vincent. I found out. Like with most things, she lied. And lied. Finally admitting to it, this person was quite evident to me. She was selfish. Self serving and self absorbed. Petty. Angry. Vindictive. Full of hate. No remorse or empathy. No conscience coming through. Justifying her behaviors and lies. Needing attention always. She became worse on the modelmayhem forums, drawing attention to herself every minute she could. Cruel to me, trying to make me jealous and angry. Refusing to call Emily back to say goodbye. Contacting me for silly reasons. Angry when I began to ignore her. Paranoid about me and her ex-husband. She will keep cycling. Up then down. Happy then sad. Even when she is happy for a short time, she is still filled with those voices of criticism. She is still empty inside. Blaming me for not giving her a baby, for not attending to her needs or paying enough attention to her, she absolved herself of any blame or responsibility. She will continue to act like this. Even calling herself the nickname I called her, kitty to people. I am sure she calls other guys the nickname she called me.
This is who she is. This is what she is. Broken. And I cannot fix her. No one can. She will be like this forever. The girl with the broken smile.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
More Reflections
Well, its been two months now. A lot has gone through my mind. Thoughts spinning around like a tornado. About her. About us. About her and Vincent. About me. About my childhood. Those wounds of abandonment, self worth, not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not feeling loved just ripped right open with this breakup. Being borderline, Carrie really made me feel like the most important thing in the world. Idealized. I was strong. She felt safe and secure. I was handsome, attractive, a sexual god. I was funny, creative, smart and talented. When she left, I feel like all of those things went with her. I was none of those things anymore. Well, at least for awhile I wasn't. I am starting to find all of those things again. I was all of these things before she came along. I am certainly all of those things now that she's out of my life. I am still smart. I have a Masters degree now. People usually come to me for my knowledge and advice. I am creative and talented. I do great pictures still without her and am continuing my photography and art. I am still handsome and attractive. I am still good in bed. I am still strong and can make people feel safe around me. I am still funny and make people laugh. She may have awakened those things in me but now it is up to me to awaken them.
She is simply not worth being in my life. Carrie is a dishonest person. She always has been. Lied to me for years that Vincent was Tony. Lied to me about the men she saw when we were first together and I wonder how many I never knew about. She made lies to cover up her own shame and regrets. Carrie has little self esteem and low self worth. She does not like herself inside. Sad and depressed, she relies on new medications always to solve her problems. Her moods go up and down to extremes. Never satisfied with anything or anyone in her life, she is always looking for something to fill that void inside of her. Her emotions are always in flux. She does not know who she is. And she uses and manipulates to get whatever she needs at the time. She has no idea what real love is. Everything is about her. Everything is about her needs. Self centered and self absorbed. Toxic.
It's a good thing she's out of my life. Everything would be about her. She would just do this to me again. Hurt me. I would never be able to trust her. She cannot even trust herself. Broken. And no one can fix her. She will never get better. She will always be like this. Unhappy. Sad, dead eyes that I have seen lately. The Carrie I know is gone forever. This new one has taken her place. Perhaps, the real her all along. The mask she wore for me has been shattered. She's been exposed. And this ideal I had of her is now gone. Goodbye.
She is simply not worth being in my life. Carrie is a dishonest person. She always has been. Lied to me for years that Vincent was Tony. Lied to me about the men she saw when we were first together and I wonder how many I never knew about. She made lies to cover up her own shame and regrets. Carrie has little self esteem and low self worth. She does not like herself inside. Sad and depressed, she relies on new medications always to solve her problems. Her moods go up and down to extremes. Never satisfied with anything or anyone in her life, she is always looking for something to fill that void inside of her. Her emotions are always in flux. She does not know who she is. And she uses and manipulates to get whatever she needs at the time. She has no idea what real love is. Everything is about her. Everything is about her needs. Self centered and self absorbed. Toxic.
It's a good thing she's out of my life. Everything would be about her. She would just do this to me again. Hurt me. I would never be able to trust her. She cannot even trust herself. Broken. And no one can fix her. She will never get better. She will always be like this. Unhappy. Sad, dead eyes that I have seen lately. The Carrie I know is gone forever. This new one has taken her place. Perhaps, the real her all along. The mask she wore for me has been shattered. She's been exposed. And this ideal I had of her is now gone. Goodbye.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Open Letter to Carrie
She'll never read this. No one she knows will. Except me. This is for me.
Carrie,
I want to forgive you. Right now, I can't. I understand, even if you don't, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. This started as a child and manifested in your late teen years/early adulthood. You need to be the center of attention. You crave attention and fish for compliments. You always had to be assured that I loved you. You cannot regulate your emotions. One day you love me, one day you don't. One day you hate me. Why? Because you hate yourself some days. You are never satisfied and are bored easily. You are hypersexual one day, non sexual the next. You are prone to cheat since you feel you are entitled to it. You are prone to an overuse of alcohol and prescription drugs for your ailments. You are the damsel in distress who does not want to be saved deep down. Far more comfortable with the chaos than you are the calm. It's what you know. It's what makes you feel alive. Constantly battling the choppy waters, never swimming to shore. Low self esteem and self worth. A lack of identity. You mirror those around you to become what they want or expect you to be. Childlike in your emotions: refusing to talk about them, instead you act on them. Common sense, morals and ethics are just words to you. There is no real remorse. Everything you do or have done is justified. There is no blame for you to take. You hate yourself inside. You have unresolved issues with your parents. Acting them out in your adult relationships instead. This is why you have a Daddy complex. Each man in your life you deem special is your Daddy again in one way or another. It's what you called me. I am sure it is what you call others. You have deep shame inside of you. Depression. Dysmorphic disorder. It comes from this. Borderline with histrionic and narcissistic traits. The constant push/pull with me: pull me close when you need me, push me away when it gets too much. A fear of intimacy. A fear of commitment. No wonder you always said that we could never live together. If I found out how you really were, I would leave you one day. Abandon you. I could not see you like this. No one can. You keep it from everyone. You get your validation, sadly, from men. Flirting, attention, sex. It gives you temporary worth. You love, not like I do, but you love based on need. What or who you need at the time to feel whole. You need to be loved more than you need to love. You use, manipulate and control to get what you want. Part of you wanted me to control aspects of your life. The other part resented me for it. I saw rage inside of you over small matters. Things that were in the past. Splitting. Everything is black or white with you. Good or evil. There is no middle ground. No grey area. Some days I will be all bad to you. Some days I will be good. Who knows? I know you need to blame me now. It's how you survive.
I understand who you are now.
As far as Vincent goes, of course you ran to him after we broke up. I have a strong feeling you ran to him when you felt neglected by me. If you felt like I did not love you or was going to end up leaving you one day. You feel you are entitled to happiness. To the sex and attention he gives you. To the material things he buys for you. Jimmy Choo shoes, purses, jewelry, even landscaping and sprinklers. Money left on your nightstand or handed to you when you are upset. It just makes me think of you as a whore. He is unobtainable to you. Safe. He will not leave his wife for good. He does not have to scare you by loving you so much. There is no big commitment from him. There can be none from you. It is a safe situation for your psyche. I feel bad for the next guy. Vincent will always be there in an inappropriate capacity. No wonder I was never allowed to come to a company Christmas party. No wonder I was left out and lied to about the Venetian Room dinners. I am sure there was no picture of us in your office. You can't go on disrupting your relationship with Vincent (or at least the possibility of one). Or when you need him. You actually let this man, a former lover, whose picture you kept in a heart frame, in your house when I was not there to "fix something." How stupid do you think I am? Now that I know the truth anyway. You lied to me about who he was for five years. You lied about so much. Even when I caught you at the end, you lied. And lied again. And again until finally admitting to it. You railed against your ex husband for cheating on you. But, you cheated on every man you have been with long term, including me I'm sure. You hated the woman he cheated with. But, you are the other woman in your boss' marriage. You used to criticize those who cheated, saying it was the worst thing you could do in a r/s. That the women your boss was with were sluts and whores. Well, looks like you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known. Congratulations. And did you show remorse to me? No. You said you were sorry I got hurt. That was it. Justified everything else though. And now, I am the one to blame for all of this. I deserved this in your eyes. You will convince yourself, and others of this. It's how you'll sleep at night. It's how you survive.
I didn't deserve this. I loved you. I took care of you. I encouraged you. I thought you beautiful inside and out and told you all the time. It did not matter to me if you were 150 lbs. or 115 lbs. I made you the center of my art. Was I perfect? Far from it. I have control issues. I have codependent issues. But, I did not deserve this. No one does. I do not want you in my life. This is why I told you repeatedly that I wanted no contact. You have broken this a number of times in different ways. You have tried to make me jealous, angry. I told you I would never take you back. Ever. There is no trust anymore. I cannot look at you the same way again. You got flirty with me. Nope. Not even for one night. It's over. I loved you so much. I placed you on a pedestal and put your needs above my own all the time. A baby? Well, if you had one serious conversation with me about it, I would be all for it. I said this in the past. But you have changed your mind so many times. You started dropping hints and making jokes. I made jokes back. It's what we did all the time with everything. You wanted to do this since you got depressed again. It was not the best time for that decision. Not with all the pills and lack of therapy. You want to fill this void inside you. You constantly search for something to fill that void you have had since childhood. A marriage. A baby. A man to make you happy. It cannot ever happen until you are happy with yourself. You seek an identity. You don't know who you are but think that this new subsumed identity (you, me and baby) will make you happy. And you hate me for not giving this to you. You will come to hate me for many reasons. You told me once, early on, to run away from you. You told me on numerous occasions that you were nuts and unstable. That you could never be the gf that I deserved. I should have listened. You should have let me go those many times instead of begging me back. You did not want to be alone. Your needs. At the end of the day, that is what mattered most. It is what will matter most for the rest of your life.
This letter will never be sent. It will fall on deaf ears. You will not believe any of this. I know this to be true. A counselor, a psych professor, a colleague and myself all came to the same exact conclusion separately. Borderline issues. You say you want to get therapy but I do not believe that to be true. I think you only told me that so you can test the waters. See if I was receptive to taking you back one day. I am not. You will continue to be in denial for many years to come. Maybe the rest of your life. The important thing for me is to worry about myself and Emily. To become a better person and father from all of this. To find that happiness inside of me without relying on someone else to provide it or bring it out. One day I know I will forgive you. One day.
Al
Carrie,
I want to forgive you. Right now, I can't. I understand, even if you don't, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. This started as a child and manifested in your late teen years/early adulthood. You need to be the center of attention. You crave attention and fish for compliments. You always had to be assured that I loved you. You cannot regulate your emotions. One day you love me, one day you don't. One day you hate me. Why? Because you hate yourself some days. You are never satisfied and are bored easily. You are hypersexual one day, non sexual the next. You are prone to cheat since you feel you are entitled to it. You are prone to an overuse of alcohol and prescription drugs for your ailments. You are the damsel in distress who does not want to be saved deep down. Far more comfortable with the chaos than you are the calm. It's what you know. It's what makes you feel alive. Constantly battling the choppy waters, never swimming to shore. Low self esteem and self worth. A lack of identity. You mirror those around you to become what they want or expect you to be. Childlike in your emotions: refusing to talk about them, instead you act on them. Common sense, morals and ethics are just words to you. There is no real remorse. Everything you do or have done is justified. There is no blame for you to take. You hate yourself inside. You have unresolved issues with your parents. Acting them out in your adult relationships instead. This is why you have a Daddy complex. Each man in your life you deem special is your Daddy again in one way or another. It's what you called me. I am sure it is what you call others. You have deep shame inside of you. Depression. Dysmorphic disorder. It comes from this. Borderline with histrionic and narcissistic traits. The constant push/pull with me: pull me close when you need me, push me away when it gets too much. A fear of intimacy. A fear of commitment. No wonder you always said that we could never live together. If I found out how you really were, I would leave you one day. Abandon you. I could not see you like this. No one can. You keep it from everyone. You get your validation, sadly, from men. Flirting, attention, sex. It gives you temporary worth. You love, not like I do, but you love based on need. What or who you need at the time to feel whole. You need to be loved more than you need to love. You use, manipulate and control to get what you want. Part of you wanted me to control aspects of your life. The other part resented me for it. I saw rage inside of you over small matters. Things that were in the past. Splitting. Everything is black or white with you. Good or evil. There is no middle ground. No grey area. Some days I will be all bad to you. Some days I will be good. Who knows? I know you need to blame me now. It's how you survive.
I understand who you are now.
As far as Vincent goes, of course you ran to him after we broke up. I have a strong feeling you ran to him when you felt neglected by me. If you felt like I did not love you or was going to end up leaving you one day. You feel you are entitled to happiness. To the sex and attention he gives you. To the material things he buys for you. Jimmy Choo shoes, purses, jewelry, even landscaping and sprinklers. Money left on your nightstand or handed to you when you are upset. It just makes me think of you as a whore. He is unobtainable to you. Safe. He will not leave his wife for good. He does not have to scare you by loving you so much. There is no big commitment from him. There can be none from you. It is a safe situation for your psyche. I feel bad for the next guy. Vincent will always be there in an inappropriate capacity. No wonder I was never allowed to come to a company Christmas party. No wonder I was left out and lied to about the Venetian Room dinners. I am sure there was no picture of us in your office. You can't go on disrupting your relationship with Vincent (or at least the possibility of one). Or when you need him. You actually let this man, a former lover, whose picture you kept in a heart frame, in your house when I was not there to "fix something." How stupid do you think I am? Now that I know the truth anyway. You lied to me about who he was for five years. You lied about so much. Even when I caught you at the end, you lied. And lied again. And again until finally admitting to it. You railed against your ex husband for cheating on you. But, you cheated on every man you have been with long term, including me I'm sure. You hated the woman he cheated with. But, you are the other woman in your boss' marriage. You used to criticize those who cheated, saying it was the worst thing you could do in a r/s. That the women your boss was with were sluts and whores. Well, looks like you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known. Congratulations. And did you show remorse to me? No. You said you were sorry I got hurt. That was it. Justified everything else though. And now, I am the one to blame for all of this. I deserved this in your eyes. You will convince yourself, and others of this. It's how you'll sleep at night. It's how you survive.
I didn't deserve this. I loved you. I took care of you. I encouraged you. I thought you beautiful inside and out and told you all the time. It did not matter to me if you were 150 lbs. or 115 lbs. I made you the center of my art. Was I perfect? Far from it. I have control issues. I have codependent issues. But, I did not deserve this. No one does. I do not want you in my life. This is why I told you repeatedly that I wanted no contact. You have broken this a number of times in different ways. You have tried to make me jealous, angry. I told you I would never take you back. Ever. There is no trust anymore. I cannot look at you the same way again. You got flirty with me. Nope. Not even for one night. It's over. I loved you so much. I placed you on a pedestal and put your needs above my own all the time. A baby? Well, if you had one serious conversation with me about it, I would be all for it. I said this in the past. But you have changed your mind so many times. You started dropping hints and making jokes. I made jokes back. It's what we did all the time with everything. You wanted to do this since you got depressed again. It was not the best time for that decision. Not with all the pills and lack of therapy. You want to fill this void inside you. You constantly search for something to fill that void you have had since childhood. A marriage. A baby. A man to make you happy. It cannot ever happen until you are happy with yourself. You seek an identity. You don't know who you are but think that this new subsumed identity (you, me and baby) will make you happy. And you hate me for not giving this to you. You will come to hate me for many reasons. You told me once, early on, to run away from you. You told me on numerous occasions that you were nuts and unstable. That you could never be the gf that I deserved. I should have listened. You should have let me go those many times instead of begging me back. You did not want to be alone. Your needs. At the end of the day, that is what mattered most. It is what will matter most for the rest of your life.
This letter will never be sent. It will fall on deaf ears. You will not believe any of this. I know this to be true. A counselor, a psych professor, a colleague and myself all came to the same exact conclusion separately. Borderline issues. You say you want to get therapy but I do not believe that to be true. I think you only told me that so you can test the waters. See if I was receptive to taking you back one day. I am not. You will continue to be in denial for many years to come. Maybe the rest of your life. The important thing for me is to worry about myself and Emily. To become a better person and father from all of this. To find that happiness inside of me without relying on someone else to provide it or bring it out. One day I know I will forgive you. One day.
Al
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)