Alright. I am doing okay. Writing has really helped. Only two people are ever going to read these blogs. I did it more for me anyway. I am not going to "out" her to the modeling community. I am not going to bad mouth her to her family or around town. It's done. With sadness and relief, it's done.
Yes, she ended it because she could not see the relationship going further. Pretty much my fault according to her in so many words. She lost feelings for me She lost a connection to me. She believed I would not give her a baby or want to remarry. She could not see us living together.
Of course not. It would destroy her reality. She has a sexual relationship with her married boss. Now, Rain claims it was only after we broke up (went on a break.....in her mind it was over though...see the justification....glad she let me in on it). She had this relationship with him in the past during her divorce and whenever she needed, in her own words, someone to lean on.
EVEN IF she never had anything with him while we were together, it still shatters her reality. The two worlds are never to meet. She was caught in her lies. She tried to deny everything. She tried to lie to cover up more lies. She tried to say she didn't want to talk about it, it was none of my business. But, after all these years, I finally got a partial confession out of her. She did it. Of course she does not want to admit it. She will not admit it to her best friend. Not to her mother. Not to anyone. Why? Because she is ashamed and deep down she knows she was wrong all these years. And that realization would make her a bad person in her mind. Hard to justify it all.
Now, with me not being the most stupid person in the world, I realize there is a good chance that she had something behind my back in the past five years. Maybe it was recent, prompting her decision. Maybe it was in the past. Maybe at a XMas work function I was not allowed to come to. Or a late night visit by him with champagne to cheer her up. Rain has such casual feelings about sex, it would not surprise me. I remember once she was caught cybering with some loser. We could see other people at that early stage in dating. She was even thinking of meeting him (he was out of state). I remember her response, "it's only sex. It would have been only sex." And here I thought I had liberal thoughts and views on sex.
It just makes me wonder, from Shorty's (the boss) point of view. Why give up your hot, available and attainable squeeze? Answer: he won't. She is there whenever he needs her. He certainly loves to cheat according to Rain. He does not want to go home to his wife of 30 years. What man would not want a hot piece of ass that is at his beckon call? He is not going to let up. She can say no only so long. And since they have a past that is rooted in her tragedies and him being a savior to her; someone to lean on, someone that is there for her, he has it made. He was probably doing this with her since she was about 25. Why would it stop now?
From her point of view: Why should she stop seeing Shorty? She can for awhile but what happened when all the lay offs at the hotel started up? Especially if he was coming on to her and dropping hints. She is no dummy. One thing I can say about Rain, she is not stupid. She has to keep that job. She wants to get that raise. She wants that good review. She needs him to go up to the front office and stick up for her. He is going to call that sales manager and stick up for her. He makes sure she has those ten days off every XMas time! I mean, it's just sex. With someone she considers a friend. More like with someone she apparently loves or has loved. You don't put a picture of you and a man in a heart frame without feelings and hope being there.
And the sad thing, she could not admit it to me. She claimed she was not in love with him. Even after our five year relationship was over, she could not admit much to me. She could not bring herself to tell me the truth. Everything became "its none of your business," "i wont talk about this." Like suddenly it's MY fault I want to know and get some peace of mind. Of course she claims he had no part in our break up. I tend to think his offer to her was on the table. And even if there was no offer, she is not the type to break up with anyone and not have a backup for attention and affection. It's what she feeds off of. She cannot be totally alone. And she won't be. The proof was in the pictures I was sent. Two weeks into our break, she went away with him and fucked him. She had a hard time admitting to me that they went away for three days to a posh place, took a romantic carriage ride, had an expensive dinner and there was no sex at night. LOL. Like I don't KNOW HER. Oh my God. That was the best. Especially when she admitted to me there was a thing in the past. And her ex husband said in his email that he was over there at night paying some visits. Damnnnnnnn.
The sad thing about Rain is the pathological lying. Even with a picture she tried to lie. Even when the pictures were found years ago, she lied. Even when I told her there was no going back now she lied. It was not until she was brought to her lowest point of sadness and guilt that she admitted to some of it. I feel bad for the next guy. And the guy after that. She lies and lies. This is the life she chose. How sad and pathetic for someone who I placed so high and thought so beautiful. She turned out to be quite ugly on the inside.
What she called "bad judgment", I call many years of making destructive choices and lying to people who truly love you.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Conspiracy Theory - epilogue
Well, even if Rain did not cheat on me with Shorty or anyone else.
Even if Shorty is not the mysterious Tony (which I am positive he is).
It does not change the fact that:
1. she lied to me all these years
2. decided to go off on a weekend and fuck him while we were on a break (yep, not broken up but on a break)
3. seems she can easily be bought, sexually as well, with money, gifts, trips, etc.
4. is always confused about her life, her feelings, her emotions, her goals, her men
5. will probably never be truly happy, even if she convinces herself otherwise
6. is probably a pathological liar, necessary when it suits her needs and survival
7. uses men for whatever she needs and gives sex in return
If she cheated on her first true love, "Mike," then what is to say she never cheated on her other love (unless she lied about that too), Me? Her D. Who always took care of her. Who always made her feel special and beautiful and desired. Who paid attention to her. Who made her feel safe and secure. Who would have, foolishly, given her a home and family. Who made her laugh, cheered her up, encouraged everything she ever wanted to do in life and made her sexual fantasies come alive. I was her best friend for 5 years. She hardly had any real friends she spent time with. One of them lives out of state and lives the life Rain secretly wants. Another left town without saying bye years ago. A couple of model friends she is not really close with. A former gf of hers at work she labeled "easy" and a "whore." Ironic. She left the picture too. I was the confidant, the buddy, the lover, the artist, the hero all rolled up in one. Lucky me.
She turned out not to be the person I thought she was. And it makes me sad. I made her the center of my art and part of my world. I trusted her with my hopes, thoughts, fears and dreams. Who was she?
The relationship I cherished and loved ended in lies, apathy and betrayal. I don't know if she'll ever get help. I told her I think she has something deeper than depression. I said she has a personality disorder and she needs help. Not just pills, which she loves, but therapy. Work on herself. Not distract herself by working on her house and going on sex escapades with her married boss. It may make her feel better short term, but will only make things worse long term.
I hope she gets help. I hope she gets better. I do. Not for who she turned out to be, but for the woman I once loved and cherished. If she ever truly existed.
But, instead of asking me back, like she has done so many times in the past, I hope she listens to me when I told her never, ever to contact me again.
Time to move on.
Even if Shorty is not the mysterious Tony (which I am positive he is).
It does not change the fact that:
1. she lied to me all these years
2. decided to go off on a weekend and fuck him while we were on a break (yep, not broken up but on a break)
3. seems she can easily be bought, sexually as well, with money, gifts, trips, etc.
4. is always confused about her life, her feelings, her emotions, her goals, her men
5. will probably never be truly happy, even if she convinces herself otherwise
6. is probably a pathological liar, necessary when it suits her needs and survival
7. uses men for whatever she needs and gives sex in return
If she cheated on her first true love, "Mike," then what is to say she never cheated on her other love (unless she lied about that too), Me? Her D. Who always took care of her. Who always made her feel special and beautiful and desired. Who paid attention to her. Who made her feel safe and secure. Who would have, foolishly, given her a home and family. Who made her laugh, cheered her up, encouraged everything she ever wanted to do in life and made her sexual fantasies come alive. I was her best friend for 5 years. She hardly had any real friends she spent time with. One of them lives out of state and lives the life Rain secretly wants. Another left town without saying bye years ago. A couple of model friends she is not really close with. A former gf of hers at work she labeled "easy" and a "whore." Ironic. She left the picture too. I was the confidant, the buddy, the lover, the artist, the hero all rolled up in one. Lucky me.
She turned out not to be the person I thought she was. And it makes me sad. I made her the center of my art and part of my world. I trusted her with my hopes, thoughts, fears and dreams. Who was she?
The relationship I cherished and loved ended in lies, apathy and betrayal. I don't know if she'll ever get help. I told her I think she has something deeper than depression. I said she has a personality disorder and she needs help. Not just pills, which she loves, but therapy. Work on herself. Not distract herself by working on her house and going on sex escapades with her married boss. It may make her feel better short term, but will only make things worse long term.
I hope she gets help. I hope she gets better. I do. Not for who she turned out to be, but for the woman I once loved and cherished. If she ever truly existed.
But, instead of asking me back, like she has done so many times in the past, I hope she listens to me when I told her never, ever to contact me again.
Time to move on.
Conspiracy Theory part 2
Okay. A lot to digest and take in. Still with me?
Shorty is Tony. There is no Tony; at least not in the sense of his importance in her life.
1. both have similar looks according to Rain (I found this out when I came across a picture on her computer and she lied about it. Then I saw Shorty's picture in his office when Rain took me there).
2. Tony is Italian, Shorty is half Italian
3. both are involved in real estate ventures
4. both have a lot of money
5. both have adult or near adult daughters
6. both enjoy golf
7. both have taken Rain away to beach type resorts
8. there was no picture of Tony anyplace. Just pictures of Shorty.
9. under her bed were pictures of her and Shorty: a couple of years ago I wanted to pick out some cute panties for her to put on for me when she got out of the shower: in that underwear drawer, underneath where she kept a picture of us on the dresser, was that small picture frame of her and Shorty.
10. both bought her jewelry (I believe Shorty did)
11. both were older. Shorty is 21 years older than Rain. Tony was supposed to be about 14 years older.
12. when she was drinking early on in our relationship, she mentioned how she loved aspects of him, aspects of me and wished she could combine us.
13. she talked about one day if Shorty can set her up someplace, she could run some business for him, stay home, etc. She talked about Tony offering her marriage, a house, etc. so she could stay home, supposedly give her salary for doing nothing if she would choose him.
14. she could never offer a last name for Tony or any specifics.
15. she mentioned how her boss was thinking of leaving his wife one day but could not do it. perhaps he was waiting for his daughters to marry, finish college? or is this the bull story he told Rain? All these "other women" think they're special. They're different to the married man. But, over 90% of them never leave their wives. Hmmmm. If this is true, then Rain is a complete moron. And a weak person.
16. if Tony was such an important person in her life, then why never introduce him to her mother? maybe she already did. In Shorty.
17. she never wanted me to meet Shorty or be at her work.
18. i was never able to come to any Caribe functions or parties. there was always some kind of weird excuse or something. Never shall her two worlds meet.
19. both liked to come over for visits to her house at night
20. both had a residence in Winter Park
Her lies ran so deep.
So, if Shorty was the other guy in our lives when we first started dating (read previous posts), then she was having more than just an fling with her married boss. This was something much more. Think about it. How many women put a picture of herself and a man in a heart frame and keep it all these years if she did not love the man? And with him always around, there is no way for her to get over that. At least not fully. So, lets say she told the truth for once and ended it with him, chose me. The only real proof I have is that the guy gave her back an envelope of dirty pics of them. It was on her kitchen counter. I gave her a similar envelope the month before of us (pictures of us at disney, etc.). I even asked her, hey are these our pics? She said yeah. I saw them and my mouth hit the floor. They were older pictures. She looked heavier, different hairstyle than when I knew her. She freaked and got rid of them. He apparently gave them back.
I remember something she told me about "Tony." After he would come over for sex, he would have to leave. No sleeping over usually (gee I wonder why). And she had underwear and some Hanes cotton tee shirts in a drawer for him. Stupid me for trying to put something away for her. Same size it looks like as her boss. Mediums. So, back to this story. He would fuck her and sometimes leave money for her on the nightstand so she can buy herself something nice, etc. Rain said it made her feel like a whore. But she took the money, didn't she? Maybe that was secretly exciting to her. Then I remembered how her boss used to take out money and give it to her if she was crying or upset. Like, here stop crying. Hmmmm. I wonder, when she complains so much about bills and money, where the extra comes from sometimes. Poor Rain felt like a whore. Well, you act like one. Hellloooooo?
So, okay, maybe that makes me feel a bit better. But, how long did that last? I mean, they worked together five days a week? That is just weird. Sick. He always gave her a hard time about taking off from work (well, duh, why give her a vacation so she can go away with some guy) except at XMas time for her family. We broke up in 2007. Did he have something to do with it? Did it sour and that is why she wanted me back five weeks later? Maybe he did not think it was "the right time" to leave his wife. She mentioned how he wanted to leave her many times but never could due to many circumstances. She was not an invited guest to his daughter's weddings. She watched the kids and made money. How did she feel seeing his wife there? How does she feel now, if her ex's email was true, that his wife knows about them? Does she not have any shame? Hate to say it, but not many women are going to throw away a relationship without a parachute. Especially not someone with a personality disorder who has to have attention and affection. She has to run away from me. From modeling; things associated with me and this "other life." Does she have a split personality? Dual personas? Multiples? What are the chances they had nothing at all for the last five years (except when we were apart a few years ago) and now, all of a sudden, we go on a break and she runs off with him for the weekend? It tells me something had been one of the possibilities:
1. going on the whole time
2. went on in the past, it stopped, then started up again sometime this year or lately
3. happening on and off during our relationship (if you can call it that)
4. he is someone she runs to whenever she is depressed, single, etc. ("he is someone I can always lean on."). Yeah I bet she leaned on him. And I am sure he leaned on her.
My only consolation is the fact that she used to complain that "Tony" was boring most of the time, just wanted to watch tv after fooling around, had a hard time getting it up after he found out I was banging her back then and had a weird sexual quirk I find disgusting, strange and hilarious all at once. I guess my sexual superiority is my only consolation I have though.
I remember she gave me genital warts before we broke up in 2007. I had been with no one else for a year and a half. Just her. I remember we were together, broke up months later and I got them. After we reconciled, I confronted her about it. She apologized, blaming something medical that happened years ago and it flares up at times. And she blamed her ex husband at one point. Because HE was a CHEATER! Umm, what does that make you, honey? Now, it has me thinking. Was this from some scumbag in a bar? Was it from Shorty, who has his own history of fucking everyone except his wife? Good chance. Nice. I'll always remember Rain. She gave me the gift that keeps on giving.
Even if this whole theory is not true, parts of it are. I saw the pictures. She admitted some of it to me. I find it interesting how she could not admit to more. It's like her psyche won't let her. Her mind can't wrap around it. She won't admit it, maybe to herself. Why? Well, in her case, it makes her a bad person. People with personality disorders are known splitters. Black or white; good or bad. She feels inside she is a bad person. It is probably one of the reasons she does not like herself. There's a good chance she cheated on me with him at some point. I just have to accept that and move on. She's a whore. And I do not say that in anger. She's a bought and paid for whore. She acts so pious when it comes to cheating in relationships and she does it herself. And if it's true that she never cheated on me, she is still "the other woman" in his relationship. I am starting to doubt it, though. What would make her stop cheating with him? Me? Our relationship? What is going to stop HIM from pursuing her? Her saying no? Her job is everything to her. Plus, I would never find out, so who's it hurting? His wife won't ever find out so who's it hurting? Wait. Umm. We found out. Unbelievable. The word shocked comes to mind again.
I loved her. I really did.
I have to admit, knowing this information and seeing what she is like makes it easier for me to forget her and move on. She is troubled. Fucked in the head. This is the life she wants to live? Ooookaaay. Enjoy. A bpd or hpd forever. No real remorse for her actions. No true empathy for me for what she's done. Everything is justified in her head. Everything is done for a reason. I told her she needed help. She just nodded, tears in her eyes. Like a child who had been caught doing something and scolded by the parent.
Unfuckingbelievable.
That's a great word by the way.
Shorty is Tony. There is no Tony; at least not in the sense of his importance in her life.
1. both have similar looks according to Rain (I found this out when I came across a picture on her computer and she lied about it. Then I saw Shorty's picture in his office when Rain took me there).
2. Tony is Italian, Shorty is half Italian
3. both are involved in real estate ventures
4. both have a lot of money
5. both have adult or near adult daughters
6. both enjoy golf
7. both have taken Rain away to beach type resorts
8. there was no picture of Tony anyplace. Just pictures of Shorty.
9. under her bed were pictures of her and Shorty: a couple of years ago I wanted to pick out some cute panties for her to put on for me when she got out of the shower: in that underwear drawer, underneath where she kept a picture of us on the dresser, was that small picture frame of her and Shorty.
10. both bought her jewelry (I believe Shorty did)
11. both were older. Shorty is 21 years older than Rain. Tony was supposed to be about 14 years older.
12. when she was drinking early on in our relationship, she mentioned how she loved aspects of him, aspects of me and wished she could combine us.
13. she talked about one day if Shorty can set her up someplace, she could run some business for him, stay home, etc. She talked about Tony offering her marriage, a house, etc. so she could stay home, supposedly give her salary for doing nothing if she would choose him.
14. she could never offer a last name for Tony or any specifics.
15. she mentioned how her boss was thinking of leaving his wife one day but could not do it. perhaps he was waiting for his daughters to marry, finish college? or is this the bull story he told Rain? All these "other women" think they're special. They're different to the married man. But, over 90% of them never leave their wives. Hmmmm. If this is true, then Rain is a complete moron. And a weak person.
16. if Tony was such an important person in her life, then why never introduce him to her mother? maybe she already did. In Shorty.
17. she never wanted me to meet Shorty or be at her work.
18. i was never able to come to any Caribe functions or parties. there was always some kind of weird excuse or something. Never shall her two worlds meet.
19. both liked to come over for visits to her house at night
20. both had a residence in Winter Park
Her lies ran so deep.
So, if Shorty was the other guy in our lives when we first started dating (read previous posts), then she was having more than just an fling with her married boss. This was something much more. Think about it. How many women put a picture of herself and a man in a heart frame and keep it all these years if she did not love the man? And with him always around, there is no way for her to get over that. At least not fully. So, lets say she told the truth for once and ended it with him, chose me. The only real proof I have is that the guy gave her back an envelope of dirty pics of them. It was on her kitchen counter. I gave her a similar envelope the month before of us (pictures of us at disney, etc.). I even asked her, hey are these our pics? She said yeah. I saw them and my mouth hit the floor. They were older pictures. She looked heavier, different hairstyle than when I knew her. She freaked and got rid of them. He apparently gave them back.
I remember something she told me about "Tony." After he would come over for sex, he would have to leave. No sleeping over usually (gee I wonder why). And she had underwear and some Hanes cotton tee shirts in a drawer for him. Stupid me for trying to put something away for her. Same size it looks like as her boss. Mediums. So, back to this story. He would fuck her and sometimes leave money for her on the nightstand so she can buy herself something nice, etc. Rain said it made her feel like a whore. But she took the money, didn't she? Maybe that was secretly exciting to her. Then I remembered how her boss used to take out money and give it to her if she was crying or upset. Like, here stop crying. Hmmmm. I wonder, when she complains so much about bills and money, where the extra comes from sometimes. Poor Rain felt like a whore. Well, you act like one. Hellloooooo?
So, okay, maybe that makes me feel a bit better. But, how long did that last? I mean, they worked together five days a week? That is just weird. Sick. He always gave her a hard time about taking off from work (well, duh, why give her a vacation so she can go away with some guy) except at XMas time for her family. We broke up in 2007. Did he have something to do with it? Did it sour and that is why she wanted me back five weeks later? Maybe he did not think it was "the right time" to leave his wife. She mentioned how he wanted to leave her many times but never could due to many circumstances. She was not an invited guest to his daughter's weddings. She watched the kids and made money. How did she feel seeing his wife there? How does she feel now, if her ex's email was true, that his wife knows about them? Does she not have any shame? Hate to say it, but not many women are going to throw away a relationship without a parachute. Especially not someone with a personality disorder who has to have attention and affection. She has to run away from me. From modeling; things associated with me and this "other life." Does she have a split personality? Dual personas? Multiples? What are the chances they had nothing at all for the last five years (except when we were apart a few years ago) and now, all of a sudden, we go on a break and she runs off with him for the weekend? It tells me something had been one of the possibilities:
1. going on the whole time
2. went on in the past, it stopped, then started up again sometime this year or lately
3. happening on and off during our relationship (if you can call it that)
4. he is someone she runs to whenever she is depressed, single, etc. ("he is someone I can always lean on."). Yeah I bet she leaned on him. And I am sure he leaned on her.
My only consolation is the fact that she used to complain that "Tony" was boring most of the time, just wanted to watch tv after fooling around, had a hard time getting it up after he found out I was banging her back then and had a weird sexual quirk I find disgusting, strange and hilarious all at once. I guess my sexual superiority is my only consolation I have though.
I remember she gave me genital warts before we broke up in 2007. I had been with no one else for a year and a half. Just her. I remember we were together, broke up months later and I got them. After we reconciled, I confronted her about it. She apologized, blaming something medical that happened years ago and it flares up at times. And she blamed her ex husband at one point. Because HE was a CHEATER! Umm, what does that make you, honey? Now, it has me thinking. Was this from some scumbag in a bar? Was it from Shorty, who has his own history of fucking everyone except his wife? Good chance. Nice. I'll always remember Rain. She gave me the gift that keeps on giving.
Even if this whole theory is not true, parts of it are. I saw the pictures. She admitted some of it to me. I find it interesting how she could not admit to more. It's like her psyche won't let her. Her mind can't wrap around it. She won't admit it, maybe to herself. Why? Well, in her case, it makes her a bad person. People with personality disorders are known splitters. Black or white; good or bad. She feels inside she is a bad person. It is probably one of the reasons she does not like herself. There's a good chance she cheated on me with him at some point. I just have to accept that and move on. She's a whore. And I do not say that in anger. She's a bought and paid for whore. She acts so pious when it comes to cheating in relationships and she does it herself. And if it's true that she never cheated on me, she is still "the other woman" in his relationship. I am starting to doubt it, though. What would make her stop cheating with him? Me? Our relationship? What is going to stop HIM from pursuing her? Her saying no? Her job is everything to her. Plus, I would never find out, so who's it hurting? His wife won't ever find out so who's it hurting? Wait. Umm. We found out. Unbelievable. The word shocked comes to mind again.
I loved her. I really did.
I have to admit, knowing this information and seeing what she is like makes it easier for me to forget her and move on. She is troubled. Fucked in the head. This is the life she wants to live? Ooookaaay. Enjoy. A bpd or hpd forever. No real remorse for her actions. No true empathy for me for what she's done. Everything is justified in her head. Everything is done for a reason. I told her she needed help. She just nodded, tears in her eyes. Like a child who had been caught doing something and scolded by the parent.
Unfuckingbelievable.
That's a great word by the way.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Conspiracy Theory
Alright. I have been through the ringer this last week. Or three weeks. I deserve to have my conspiracy theory moment LOL!
With the help from psycho ex husband of Rain, the two of them (Rain and her boss Shorty...although Liz, one of the only people who will ever read these blogs calls him Troll boy) look at real estate together. Now, I asked Rain. I had to. She laughed saying they look at that stuff together over the years since she is his assistant. But the email from the broker said she was looking to move for professional and business reasons. Now, here comes the conspiracy......cue the music....
He has an offer to her. It may be the same offer on the table years ago if he was the mysterious suitor (this is like Days of our Lives. I expect Bo and Hope to come through the door any minute telling me about Roman and Marlena). He says to her, get rid of teacher photographer guy (that's me. I have Brendan Frasier playing me), he ain't never gonna marry you. Its been five years. I can give you the baby. Set you up in a place in St. Pete. Just like you always wanted. I will pay you a salary to run some kind of business venture of mine. You can enjoy your life, raise baby, etc. Just as long as my wifey don't find out. We is cheating after all baby!
He did not like us going on cruise. Making his move! She thinks each day about it. She is off her depression meds for four days. Emotions running high. Future scary. Stupid bf (thats me) making jokes about baby to her (geez I didn't know she was serious...she changes her friggin mind often). Each day I called her, she sounded worse. For real. Just alone. Depressed. Almost manic. I saw the flags but respected her space when she asked. Finally, boom, the break up at the end of the week. Coming from the same Rain who was telling me a week before she loves me and what she loves about us. From the emails the entire month before that were a mix of love, support, future plans and dirty talk (initiated by her). Or maybe it's not the same Rain. Push comes to shove, money wins I guess.
Or she's just getting some action from her old man until she finds who she believes to be Mr. Right. Uh oh, she is going to have to lie to him too though. About her relationship and past with her boss. Ooohh ugly situation. Seems to have been a focal point of mistrust in her marriage. Her relationship with me. Etc. Doesn't she ever learn?
Well good luck to her with that.
Like I said, its a conspiracy theory started by her ex and just compounded by me due to her lies. Eh, whatever. I am going to get me some Hope Brady and put her in my pin ups LOL.
With the help from psycho ex husband of Rain, the two of them (Rain and her boss Shorty...although Liz, one of the only people who will ever read these blogs calls him Troll boy) look at real estate together. Now, I asked Rain. I had to. She laughed saying they look at that stuff together over the years since she is his assistant. But the email from the broker said she was looking to move for professional and business reasons. Now, here comes the conspiracy......cue the music....
He has an offer to her. It may be the same offer on the table years ago if he was the mysterious suitor (this is like Days of our Lives. I expect Bo and Hope to come through the door any minute telling me about Roman and Marlena). He says to her, get rid of teacher photographer guy (that's me. I have Brendan Frasier playing me), he ain't never gonna marry you. Its been five years. I can give you the baby. Set you up in a place in St. Pete. Just like you always wanted. I will pay you a salary to run some kind of business venture of mine. You can enjoy your life, raise baby, etc. Just as long as my wifey don't find out. We is cheating after all baby!
He did not like us going on cruise. Making his move! She thinks each day about it. She is off her depression meds for four days. Emotions running high. Future scary. Stupid bf (thats me) making jokes about baby to her (geez I didn't know she was serious...she changes her friggin mind often). Each day I called her, she sounded worse. For real. Just alone. Depressed. Almost manic. I saw the flags but respected her space when she asked. Finally, boom, the break up at the end of the week. Coming from the same Rain who was telling me a week before she loves me and what she loves about us. From the emails the entire month before that were a mix of love, support, future plans and dirty talk (initiated by her). Or maybe it's not the same Rain. Push comes to shove, money wins I guess.
Or she's just getting some action from her old man until she finds who she believes to be Mr. Right. Uh oh, she is going to have to lie to him too though. About her relationship and past with her boss. Ooohh ugly situation. Seems to have been a focal point of mistrust in her marriage. Her relationship with me. Etc. Doesn't she ever learn?
Well good luck to her with that.
Like I said, its a conspiracy theory started by her ex and just compounded by me due to her lies. Eh, whatever. I am going to get me some Hope Brady and put her in my pin ups LOL.
Look for the girl with the broken smile
So, what happened? What did I learn? What was wrong with her? She told me many times she was nuts or had issues. And I stayed. To save her.
After speaking with a couple of professionals, they both agreed that she has a personality disorder. Something that can be remedied with therapy and medicine.
How did she get this? They claim any early sexual trauma, death of a parent, being in an unfaithful relationship, etc. can all contribute to this. I did a lot of reading on it myself.
Emotionally, Rain is just stuck. She may be a 34 year old woman, functioning, smart, funny, clever, etc. but EMOTIONALLY she is a kid still. She is that poor 13 year old girl who learned a hard lesson and had a crappy hand dealt to her. It does not help when she had even more crap hurled at her by men. How can she have a mature, adult, lasting relationship? The answer is, she cannot. She never healed from the old wounds. Not from 13, not from 16, not from 25. She is stuck in time. I saw this in her. Not to the extent of believing she had a personality disorder, but to the extent that she needed help. I tried but she did not listen. Maybe I should have tried harder? Uh oh, hero complex. See, I need to be needed. I need to be the hero. Nope. This was her job to do for years. Not keep it all bottled up. Not letting it fester and control her. And the sad thing, she does not want to be alone. No way. She cannot deal with being along for long periods. Why? She does not love herself. She needs her boss who is available and ready. She needs a guy at the bar. A co-worker. An old flame. Someone to make her feel loved; to make her feel desirable. If not, her depression will get worse. Sad thing, it will get worse than before in between moments of passion. This is the girl I knew all these years? It makes me sad. Sad for her. Sad for us.
Everything is black or white with a person suffering from this. She sees people as good or bad. There is no in between. If a photographer went off, acted like an ass, etc. he was bad. Forever. There was so much anger. If so and so did this, they were bad. Well, she justifies in her mind "we were broken up when I slept with him (even if it was a break)." Or "you didn't need to know about him because it was in the past (even though she was working for this person every day as his asst.)." "It's okay that I did this because I was depressed." "I should be allowed to act or feel this way because of the crap I've been through." Everything is black or white. There is no wiggle room or middle ground. Soon, I will be labeled bad by her so she can justify the break up. Or her decision right now is "the right thing to do." It has to be that way in her head for her to accept this decision.
Borderline personality disorder perhaps. Or, Histrionic personality disorder.
She displays many traits of a borderline. And of a histrionic. They will:
1. be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention
2. dress too sexy, exhibit overly flirty, sexual behavior for attention and affection
3. shift emotions rapidly, sometimes every few hours
4. after a break up, find a new mate that is inappropriate age wise, unattainable, possibly a superior at work or someone in an unhappy marriage
5. act very dramatic like in front of an audience, but not sincere
6. be overly concerned with physical appearance, not liking the inside
7. be excessively overly sensitive to criticism
8. constantly seeks approval
9. low tolerance for frustration, bored by routine, skips from one project to another
10. not thinking before acting
11. makes rash decisions
12. self - centered
13. have difficulty maintaining relationships
14. threaten or attempt suicide, hurting themselves, cutting, etc. to get attention
15. prefers physical pain to hide the emotional
After speaking with a couple of professionals, they both agreed that she has a personality disorder. Something that can be remedied with therapy and medicine.
How did she get this? They claim any early sexual trauma, death of a parent, being in an unfaithful relationship, etc. can all contribute to this. I did a lot of reading on it myself.
Emotionally, Rain is just stuck. She may be a 34 year old woman, functioning, smart, funny, clever, etc. but EMOTIONALLY she is a kid still. She is that poor 13 year old girl who learned a hard lesson and had a crappy hand dealt to her. It does not help when she had even more crap hurled at her by men. How can she have a mature, adult, lasting relationship? The answer is, she cannot. She never healed from the old wounds. Not from 13, not from 16, not from 25. She is stuck in time. I saw this in her. Not to the extent of believing she had a personality disorder, but to the extent that she needed help. I tried but she did not listen. Maybe I should have tried harder? Uh oh, hero complex. See, I need to be needed. I need to be the hero. Nope. This was her job to do for years. Not keep it all bottled up. Not letting it fester and control her. And the sad thing, she does not want to be alone. No way. She cannot deal with being along for long periods. Why? She does not love herself. She needs her boss who is available and ready. She needs a guy at the bar. A co-worker. An old flame. Someone to make her feel loved; to make her feel desirable. If not, her depression will get worse. Sad thing, it will get worse than before in between moments of passion. This is the girl I knew all these years? It makes me sad. Sad for her. Sad for us.
Everything is black or white with a person suffering from this. She sees people as good or bad. There is no in between. If a photographer went off, acted like an ass, etc. he was bad. Forever. There was so much anger. If so and so did this, they were bad. Well, she justifies in her mind "we were broken up when I slept with him (even if it was a break)." Or "you didn't need to know about him because it was in the past (even though she was working for this person every day as his asst.)." "It's okay that I did this because I was depressed." "I should be allowed to act or feel this way because of the crap I've been through." Everything is black or white. There is no wiggle room or middle ground. Soon, I will be labeled bad by her so she can justify the break up. Or her decision right now is "the right thing to do." It has to be that way in her head for her to accept this decision.
Borderline personality disorder perhaps. Or, Histrionic personality disorder.
She displays many traits of a borderline. And of a histrionic. They will:
1. be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention
2. dress too sexy, exhibit overly flirty, sexual behavior for attention and affection
3. shift emotions rapidly, sometimes every few hours
4. after a break up, find a new mate that is inappropriate age wise, unattainable, possibly a superior at work or someone in an unhappy marriage
5. act very dramatic like in front of an audience, but not sincere
6. be overly concerned with physical appearance, not liking the inside
7. be excessively overly sensitive to criticism
8. constantly seeks approval
9. low tolerance for frustration, bored by routine, skips from one project to another
10. not thinking before acting
11. makes rash decisions
12. self - centered
13. have difficulty maintaining relationships
14. threaten or attempt suicide, hurting themselves, cutting, etc. to get attention
15. prefers physical pain to hide the emotional
A borderline will have different personas to fit each mate they have or situation. She has a persona with me: the supportive gf, damsel in distress, sex kitten, perfect model and collaborator. At work she is the dragon lady and in control. With her mother, she is strong, confident, sassy. With her modeling friends she is all of these things combined. Very confident, strong, sexy, sassy.
A borderline also has confusion about their feelings, emotions, who they are, etc.
Alienating and distancing behaviors: the need to be with someone but when it gets too close, they run and become alienated.
Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
BPDs will go between strong dependancy to complete withdrawal in relationships. Moods and emotions can shift every few hours, not just each day or week.
To be honest, I am not sure what is wrong with Rain. I do believe she has some kind of personality disorder. I think, deep down, she realizes she needs help. She refuses to get it though. Even the last time I saw her and brought this up, her response was "with all the shit I've had in my life, don't I deserve to be fucked up?" My response was, "Yes you do babe, but you also have the right to get better."
All I know is that I am glad I am away from her. I do love her still. That is not going to vanish. She said she still loves me. But, I know she has problems and will only do this all over again. I can never trust her again. Not just with her boss, but with anyone at this point. I will miss her. I will miss the times we spent together, her sense of humor, the things we did together, the sex of course and all the fun we had. Our five years together was great, on the whole. We had some bad moments as you can read in these posts. But, I will miss her. Or will I miss who I was when we were together. People used to classify us as a team, like Batman and Robin. And we did make a great team on many fronts. If she would have gotten help for herself sooner, maybe things could have went differently. I can't say "if I did more, if I was a better boyfriend, if I had more money, if I pushed her more to get help, if I was thinner," etc. etc. It's the hero complex I have talking. I did all I could. She knows that deep down. Before she changes me in her mind into some scum like all of her other ex boyfriends and her ex husband, I hope she realizes that and hangs on to some good memories. I hope she gets help because I think deep down she is a good person who makes stupid choices.
Thats all for now. I need to put on my cape and boots for my daughter right now.
And I need to be Super for myself.
And I need to be Super for myself.
Fallout part 2
I just wanted it over. I wanted to give her back her things. Two days later, we met at an old haunt. I wanted to talk. Surprisingly, I did not yell. I did not call names. I didn't hate her. I think I felt sorry for her more than anything. I was disappointed, betrayed. I lost all respect for her and let her know. She admitted she lost respect for herself. I asked her, do you like yourself or do you still hate what's inside when you look in the mirror? She said she still does not like herself on the inside. And picks out every flaw on the outside while professing to everyone how hot or attractive she is.
She refused to answer hardly any questions I had about Shorty. She could not answer when I asked her why she lied so much. I told her the cover story I was going to tell my daughter and please pick up when she calls this weekend to say good-bye. She called Rain at 4pm yesterday and left a voicemail. It is now 1pm the next day and nothing so far. I texted Rain to please have her call my daughter. I hope she does. My daughter is just a casualty and innocent bystander in all this.
Rain seemed sad and surprised when I gave her back almost everything she ever gave me. Shirts, necklaces, things for my house, etc. She also asked about my artwork and if I would be replacing her image. I said, yes in some of them. She was offended, but while searching for this new life of hers, she also quit modeling for awhile.
What kind of life is she looking for? One that is based on secrecy, sneaking around, shame, guilt and lies? Sure she can have more material things, maybe even get that baby (and get it paid for) while she's at it. Everything that used to matter to the Rain I knew was unimportant in her eyes. She was broken and I told her so. She agreed with the assessment. I told her it was not my job to fix her anymore. That I could not help her anymore. And that she hurt me bad. Someone who loved her, took care of her, put her needs first, made her feel safe and secure, gave her a feeling of belonging in my family, threw me away like I was yesterday's trash. She can justify it to herself and others by saying it was just time. That it was not going to go further. Maybe so. But I am sure she is not telling the rest of the story. Well, I am not out to do it for her. Let her keep her friends in the modeling world. I only confided in a few people so her secrets and shame are safe. It is healthier for me to just move on. One day, I will forgive her for her lies and deceit. For her bad judgment, as she puts it, for sleeping with her boss. I am not sure she has any true remorse in relationships. She has been damaged in her life so much I am not sure she has true empathy.
Time to focus on me.
She refused to answer hardly any questions I had about Shorty. She could not answer when I asked her why she lied so much. I told her the cover story I was going to tell my daughter and please pick up when she calls this weekend to say good-bye. She called Rain at 4pm yesterday and left a voicemail. It is now 1pm the next day and nothing so far. I texted Rain to please have her call my daughter. I hope she does. My daughter is just a casualty and innocent bystander in all this.
Rain seemed sad and surprised when I gave her back almost everything she ever gave me. Shirts, necklaces, things for my house, etc. She also asked about my artwork and if I would be replacing her image. I said, yes in some of them. She was offended, but while searching for this new life of hers, she also quit modeling for awhile.
What kind of life is she looking for? One that is based on secrecy, sneaking around, shame, guilt and lies? Sure she can have more material things, maybe even get that baby (and get it paid for) while she's at it. Everything that used to matter to the Rain I knew was unimportant in her eyes. She was broken and I told her so. She agreed with the assessment. I told her it was not my job to fix her anymore. That I could not help her anymore. And that she hurt me bad. Someone who loved her, took care of her, put her needs first, made her feel safe and secure, gave her a feeling of belonging in my family, threw me away like I was yesterday's trash. She can justify it to herself and others by saying it was just time. That it was not going to go further. Maybe so. But I am sure she is not telling the rest of the story. Well, I am not out to do it for her. Let her keep her friends in the modeling world. I only confided in a few people so her secrets and shame are safe. It is healthier for me to just move on. One day, I will forgive her for her lies and deceit. For her bad judgment, as she puts it, for sleeping with her boss. I am not sure she has any true remorse in relationships. She has been damaged in her life so much I am not sure she has true empathy.
Time to focus on me.
Fallout
She cried. I was shocked. She was hugging me. I suggested maybe we should take a break instead. Give her a month to think about things. Find herself as she put it. I am a no contact type of person. I give her the space she needs. It gave me time to think as well. Was this worth it? Do I want someone who goes through these cycles of questioning their feelings? Not sure what they want in life? Not sure I can ever truly trust her?
Enter, again, her psycho ex husband. He contacts me (and supposedly Shorty's wife according to his emails) with pictures of Rain and her boss together. They went on a weekend together to a very expensive resort. This was no business trip. The one picture was the two of them on a romantic carriage ride, her hand on his thigh, his arm around her. She looked stunning as always, wearing some new necklace he bought her possibly and having fun on his boat.
Damn.
Damn her.
Damn him.
Damn me for ignoring all the signs.
So, we are on a break. She is supposed to be using this time to think. Instead she goes off and fucks her boss. And I am sure this did not happen overnight. She probably had sex with him that week according to her ex husband. Late night visits at her house.
How long has this been going on? When she had doubts? Just recently? The whole time?
I confronted her on the phone at first. She lied. Then lied again. Same old Rain. Finally I told her that she does not have to lie anymore. It was over. I would never take her back after this anyway like the past few times. She admitted it. Partly, not saying much. Then she admitted that this started many years before me. He is always there for her. Awww, how sweet. What a great guy.
Enter, again, her psycho ex husband. He contacts me (and supposedly Shorty's wife according to his emails) with pictures of Rain and her boss together. They went on a weekend together to a very expensive resort. This was no business trip. The one picture was the two of them on a romantic carriage ride, her hand on his thigh, his arm around her. She looked stunning as always, wearing some new necklace he bought her possibly and having fun on his boat.
Damn.
Damn her.
Damn him.
Damn me for ignoring all the signs.
So, we are on a break. She is supposed to be using this time to think. Instead she goes off and fucks her boss. And I am sure this did not happen overnight. She probably had sex with him that week according to her ex husband. Late night visits at her house.
How long has this been going on? When she had doubts? Just recently? The whole time?
I confronted her on the phone at first. She lied. Then lied again. Same old Rain. Finally I told her that she does not have to lie anymore. It was over. I would never take her back after this anyway like the past few times. She admitted it. Partly, not saying much. Then she admitted that this started many years before me. He is always there for her. Awww, how sweet. What a great guy.
The End is Near
2010. How I will remember you.
Her depression hit like a hurricane. Around February, she got on new depression meds, minus the therapy. I don't know how she expects to get better without working on herself and getting all that gunk out of her.
Well, lets just both sweep it under the rug. We'll do more pictures! We play poker now! Lets go here, lets do that! I just finished my Masters degree. Lets celebrate!
Our sex life took a nose dive. Like in the past, the medications killed her libido. I was patient. I knew the danger. She associates feelings and connections to someone through sex. We drifted apart. In June, she switched to the new generic of the drug. She started to feel different in many ways on the generic. She started to get back some feeling sexually but could not orgasm. I decided to take it upon myself to make it happen for her. And with a lot of hard work, I did. We started to play and have some fun again. Then I took us on a cruise. She was a different person. The old Rain I used to know. We had fun. She tells me what she loves about us. She tells me she loves me. I thought things were starting to get on track.
I started to think about taking that next step. For real. Right after the cruise. Rent out my place. Move in, get engaged. Start planning a wedding. Lets have that baby. I love kids. This will be the adventure of our lives we can tell the grandkids about. Sounds corny, but its true. I doubt she is going to have that with anyone. Or at least have it last. Sadly. My instincts have been wrong in the past, but I am certain about that one. Damn.
She was having doubts in the last two months or so. Was it the med change? Was it more? Was the broken record playing again? Now, did she tell me about this? Did we talk? No. Back to the same old story. She never talks about emotions or feelings. She only acts them out or acts on them.
She went to work, started to become stressed, was without her meds for four days, questioned everything in her life that was falling apart, and boom, go back to the first post of this blog. Hit and run.
Her depression hit like a hurricane. Around February, she got on new depression meds, minus the therapy. I don't know how she expects to get better without working on herself and getting all that gunk out of her.
Well, lets just both sweep it under the rug. We'll do more pictures! We play poker now! Lets go here, lets do that! I just finished my Masters degree. Lets celebrate!
Our sex life took a nose dive. Like in the past, the medications killed her libido. I was patient. I knew the danger. She associates feelings and connections to someone through sex. We drifted apart. In June, she switched to the new generic of the drug. She started to feel different in many ways on the generic. She started to get back some feeling sexually but could not orgasm. I decided to take it upon myself to make it happen for her. And with a lot of hard work, I did. We started to play and have some fun again. Then I took us on a cruise. She was a different person. The old Rain I used to know. We had fun. She tells me what she loves about us. She tells me she loves me. I thought things were starting to get on track.
I started to think about taking that next step. For real. Right after the cruise. Rent out my place. Move in, get engaged. Start planning a wedding. Lets have that baby. I love kids. This will be the adventure of our lives we can tell the grandkids about. Sounds corny, but its true. I doubt she is going to have that with anyone. Or at least have it last. Sadly. My instincts have been wrong in the past, but I am certain about that one. Damn.
She was having doubts in the last two months or so. Was it the med change? Was it more? Was the broken record playing again? Now, did she tell me about this? Did we talk? No. Back to the same old story. She never talks about emotions or feelings. She only acts them out or acts on them.
She went to work, started to become stressed, was without her meds for four days, questioned everything in her life that was falling apart, and boom, go back to the first post of this blog. Hit and run.
Looking for the good times baby
2007-2009
I really see our relationship split in two parts. The first part, 2005-07 was hot, passionate, exciting, dangerous, dramatic, unstable, confusing and sometimes hellish. There were issues of trust, possible cheating (that I think now happened), me snooping around from it, jealousy on both our parts, parties, her car accident, surgery and our big break up. I walked away when she broke it off and never bothered her. Not once. She came to me after five weeks. Recently she said it was because she didn't want to be alone. I asked her, that's it? You lied to me? She said, well I loved you too. Wow. Classic personality disorder. I took her back like an idiot. But, after that our relationship seemed renewed. Stronger. More stable. There were no more jealousies. Only a few speed bumps of trust issues spurred by her ex husband mainly.
The part 2 to us was pretty damn good. My favorite of the two parts. More secure. Safer. I felt I could trust her totally the last three years. I don't know if that makes me a fool.
Good times, good times. Her modeling has taken off. My photography getting better all the time. I start doing pin up and art. She as my model, of course. I don't have much desire to work with other models. She has become my ideal. It's become a second honeymoon for us. We spend almost every weekend together. Even when I have my daughter and act more like a casual family than just dating. My daughter looks up to her. She loves her.
Rain and I are unstoppable. Others in the model community love us, calling us the perfect couple. The art just keeps getting better. The sex is damn good. Her injuries slowly begin to get better so long after the accident. Her consumption of pills bothers me and she only went to counseling for a few months. Things were going so well I didn't push it. We put off talks of taking the next step and just focused on fun. I blame myself for that as much as her. Anything serious was disguised as a joke by both of us. I did not realize when she was serious and she probably didn't see me dropping hints. Why mess up a good thing we always said?
Depression reared its ugly head here and there but nothing she couldn't handle, so she said. We were busy, having fun. I had an art opening in 09 and she started a jewelry line (ironic how I was days away from finishing a website I was building for her jewelry when we broke up or took a break or whatever you call it...it kicked ass). Of course, we were totally supportive of each other.
Things I will always remember:
our photography shoots
picking out pictures and being silly
going to places like Lil Anthony's, Mimi's Cafe, California Pizza Kitchen, Millenia, Ale House, Bahama Breeze, Hooters, Chilis, Carabbas and Backstage Billiards (the focal point of our relationship for some odd reason lol)
her coming to Emily's games sometimes
the three of us doing family stuff
spending almost every weekend together for the last two years or so
spending time with her and my family
Christmas with our families, John's Pass
the cruise
our weekend in Miami
watching Yankees and Mets games together, being playful about the rivalry
going to baseball games
the art opening
even some of the meet and greets that i was never big on but saw her shine there
our Halloween fun and parties every year
the parties we went to before her accident
the things I would introduce her to
our sex and adventures
our trips to "home depot"
playing poker together
The holidays were approaching and I started to sense her depression coming on strong. We thought 2010 would be a great year. It was the end.
I really see our relationship split in two parts. The first part, 2005-07 was hot, passionate, exciting, dangerous, dramatic, unstable, confusing and sometimes hellish. There were issues of trust, possible cheating (that I think now happened), me snooping around from it, jealousy on both our parts, parties, her car accident, surgery and our big break up. I walked away when she broke it off and never bothered her. Not once. She came to me after five weeks. Recently she said it was because she didn't want to be alone. I asked her, that's it? You lied to me? She said, well I loved you too. Wow. Classic personality disorder. I took her back like an idiot. But, after that our relationship seemed renewed. Stronger. More stable. There were no more jealousies. Only a few speed bumps of trust issues spurred by her ex husband mainly.
The part 2 to us was pretty damn good. My favorite of the two parts. More secure. Safer. I felt I could trust her totally the last three years. I don't know if that makes me a fool.
Good times, good times. Her modeling has taken off. My photography getting better all the time. I start doing pin up and art. She as my model, of course. I don't have much desire to work with other models. She has become my ideal. It's become a second honeymoon for us. We spend almost every weekend together. Even when I have my daughter and act more like a casual family than just dating. My daughter looks up to her. She loves her.
Rain and I are unstoppable. Others in the model community love us, calling us the perfect couple. The art just keeps getting better. The sex is damn good. Her injuries slowly begin to get better so long after the accident. Her consumption of pills bothers me and she only went to counseling for a few months. Things were going so well I didn't push it. We put off talks of taking the next step and just focused on fun. I blame myself for that as much as her. Anything serious was disguised as a joke by both of us. I did not realize when she was serious and she probably didn't see me dropping hints. Why mess up a good thing we always said?
Depression reared its ugly head here and there but nothing she couldn't handle, so she said. We were busy, having fun. I had an art opening in 09 and she started a jewelry line (ironic how I was days away from finishing a website I was building for her jewelry when we broke up or took a break or whatever you call it...it kicked ass). Of course, we were totally supportive of each other.
Things I will always remember:
our photography shoots
picking out pictures and being silly
going to places like Lil Anthony's, Mimi's Cafe, California Pizza Kitchen, Millenia, Ale House, Bahama Breeze, Hooters, Chilis, Carabbas and Backstage Billiards (the focal point of our relationship for some odd reason lol)
her coming to Emily's games sometimes
the three of us doing family stuff
spending almost every weekend together for the last two years or so
spending time with her and my family
Christmas with our families, John's Pass
the cruise
our weekend in Miami
watching Yankees and Mets games together, being playful about the rivalry
going to baseball games
the art opening
even some of the meet and greets that i was never big on but saw her shine there
our Halloween fun and parties every year
the parties we went to before her accident
the things I would introduce her to
our sex and adventures
our trips to "home depot"
playing poker together
The holidays were approaching and I started to sense her depression coming on strong. We thought 2010 would be a great year. It was the end.
Baggage - Relationships
Time to take a break from the story to talk about baggage. Consider this an intermission.
Baggage. We all have it. And I have my amount as well. This is not just a forum to tell my story and criticize Rain and her problems. What have I learned from this story as well?
I, like Rain, come from a dysfunctional family. My father was very abusive. My mother, cold, critical and calculating at times. Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Both our father's died and we both are filled with a range of mixed emotions and guilt concerning our fathers. Her Mom is great. I love her. She is Rain's biggest fan and acts as an enabler most of the time. She knows Rain has issues and has asked me about them over the years. Out of respect for Rain, I clam up. She refused to tell her mother anything. Her mother is in the dark about a lot in Rain's past. She was tragically raped at 13. She had an abusive boyfriend who beat her up. An ex husband who put her down, cheated on her and stalked her for years. Now it's evident, a secret affair with her boss. The woman who was cheated on and considers cheating the lowest of the low in a relationship, is the other woman now. It empowers her. The cheated on is now the cheater. The guilty party. And there is a good chance it happened throughout our relationship. This man is always in a position of power. He can make her day a joy or nightmare. With a whim, she will be one of the employees fired or laid off. Her raise is dependent on his word. Anytime she wants to move onto another position of power there, she never does. After all, he tells her she is irreplaceable. And why leave a position when you can get what you need through a little flirting or more? He is the ultimate parachute in her life. Things are not going well? Depressed? Sad? Alone? He is there for her. Did she always lie? Is she a pathological liar? I don't get it.
I am not perfect. Far from it. I have trust issues. I have intimacy issues. I don't like to be abandoned. My self esteem has been in the toilet before. I am overweight and don't make a ton of money. My artistic endeavors have been only moderately successful. I like to be in control. I like to be dominant in certain areas of my life and always want to be in control. These were things she said she loved about me but the line can be blurred sometimes and I don't know if I go too far. Too possessive or is it just my insecurities?
I slept with a few married women in my life. She threw this is my face multiple times when I confronted her with the proof recently. I admitted it. I was wrong. I did it a few times and then stopped. No contact. She, on the other hand, has has this destructive and morally empty secret going on for years. Maybe while we were together. Maybe not. But, I could never trust her so why does it matter? Back to me. My ex wife was a nut. Still is. Did I trade one for the other? I could not trust. I snooped years ago when I had suspicions. She was so secretive about everything. How could she have anyone live with her? But, Rain had so many good points. She was beautiful. She was about 150lbs. or more when we met. Her weight went up and down over the years. She is probably around 115 now. I thought she was sexy no matter what weight. I took pictures of her and made her the centerpiece of my artwork that I was experimenting in. She was fun to be around. The center of attention, like myself. We played off of each other very well. Our sex was exciting and she was responsive to all my ideas. She even had some of her own. I could help her. I could fix her. She came to me when I needed someone to make me feel good. Valid. Handsome. Needed. Wanted. A hero. Strong. Talented. Smart. Wonderful.
I know she has issues. She has admitted it to me many times. She told me to run away from her one night after drinking a few months into our relationship. She calls herself names like a nut, nutjob, nutball, etc. when she is upset. But, with my cape and boots, I can help her. I can save her. I can make her happy. I know I can! I can fix everything! I'm Superman!
I'm a fool.
No one can save her but herself.
She won't. She will stay at that job or depend on Shorty forever. She will continue the affair even though she's been exposed. She will make new lies to cover up the affair and past. She will even vilify anyone who gets in her way, including me. Her Superman. Her D. I have to be disposable for her psyche to survive. So her low self esteem and self worth does not plummet more. I am just collateral damage now. I am the enemy. The person who loved and supported her is now gone. Does it matter that I was probably the only normal long term boyfriend she has ever had? Well, except for Shorty. I am sure she has feelings for him after all these years. Maybe she loves him. She denied it to me when I asked her the other day if she was in love with him. She said no. It does not matter. If she believes this is the future for her, then let her enjoy it. She will be alone, never being truly loved. Never knowing what true love is. How is she going to meet someone new that is special to her when all she has is lies?
My damsel in distress needs a new hero. Her life has tumbled down. She is tired of running from everything in her head. It's all become too much. Superman flew away and has to find a new Lois. She came to me with all of her problems, back pain, neck pain, migraines, stress, stomach issues, etc. I was more than happy to help. It's what I need to do. White Knight Syndrome. She claimed she was fine, she can take care of herself. It's okay. But knew I was there when she needed me. Whoosh!
Baggage. We all have it. And I have my amount as well. This is not just a forum to tell my story and criticize Rain and her problems. What have I learned from this story as well?
I, like Rain, come from a dysfunctional family. My father was very abusive. My mother, cold, critical and calculating at times. Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Both our father's died and we both are filled with a range of mixed emotions and guilt concerning our fathers. Her Mom is great. I love her. She is Rain's biggest fan and acts as an enabler most of the time. She knows Rain has issues and has asked me about them over the years. Out of respect for Rain, I clam up. She refused to tell her mother anything. Her mother is in the dark about a lot in Rain's past. She was tragically raped at 13. She had an abusive boyfriend who beat her up. An ex husband who put her down, cheated on her and stalked her for years. Now it's evident, a secret affair with her boss. The woman who was cheated on and considers cheating the lowest of the low in a relationship, is the other woman now. It empowers her. The cheated on is now the cheater. The guilty party. And there is a good chance it happened throughout our relationship. This man is always in a position of power. He can make her day a joy or nightmare. With a whim, she will be one of the employees fired or laid off. Her raise is dependent on his word. Anytime she wants to move onto another position of power there, she never does. After all, he tells her she is irreplaceable. And why leave a position when you can get what you need through a little flirting or more? He is the ultimate parachute in her life. Things are not going well? Depressed? Sad? Alone? He is there for her. Did she always lie? Is she a pathological liar? I don't get it.
I am not perfect. Far from it. I have trust issues. I have intimacy issues. I don't like to be abandoned. My self esteem has been in the toilet before. I am overweight and don't make a ton of money. My artistic endeavors have been only moderately successful. I like to be in control. I like to be dominant in certain areas of my life and always want to be in control. These were things she said she loved about me but the line can be blurred sometimes and I don't know if I go too far. Too possessive or is it just my insecurities?
I slept with a few married women in my life. She threw this is my face multiple times when I confronted her with the proof recently. I admitted it. I was wrong. I did it a few times and then stopped. No contact. She, on the other hand, has has this destructive and morally empty secret going on for years. Maybe while we were together. Maybe not. But, I could never trust her so why does it matter? Back to me. My ex wife was a nut. Still is. Did I trade one for the other? I could not trust. I snooped years ago when I had suspicions. She was so secretive about everything. How could she have anyone live with her? But, Rain had so many good points. She was beautiful. She was about 150lbs. or more when we met. Her weight went up and down over the years. She is probably around 115 now. I thought she was sexy no matter what weight. I took pictures of her and made her the centerpiece of my artwork that I was experimenting in. She was fun to be around. The center of attention, like myself. We played off of each other very well. Our sex was exciting and she was responsive to all my ideas. She even had some of her own. I could help her. I could fix her. She came to me when I needed someone to make me feel good. Valid. Handsome. Needed. Wanted. A hero. Strong. Talented. Smart. Wonderful.
I know she has issues. She has admitted it to me many times. She told me to run away from her one night after drinking a few months into our relationship. She calls herself names like a nut, nutjob, nutball, etc. when she is upset. But, with my cape and boots, I can help her. I can save her. I can make her happy. I know I can! I can fix everything! I'm Superman!
I'm a fool.
No one can save her but herself.
She won't. She will stay at that job or depend on Shorty forever. She will continue the affair even though she's been exposed. She will make new lies to cover up the affair and past. She will even vilify anyone who gets in her way, including me. Her Superman. Her D. I have to be disposable for her psyche to survive. So her low self esteem and self worth does not plummet more. I am just collateral damage now. I am the enemy. The person who loved and supported her is now gone. Does it matter that I was probably the only normal long term boyfriend she has ever had? Well, except for Shorty. I am sure she has feelings for him after all these years. Maybe she loves him. She denied it to me when I asked her the other day if she was in love with him. She said no. It does not matter. If she believes this is the future for her, then let her enjoy it. She will be alone, never being truly loved. Never knowing what true love is. How is she going to meet someone new that is special to her when all she has is lies?
My damsel in distress needs a new hero. Her life has tumbled down. She is tired of running from everything in her head. It's all become too much. Superman flew away and has to find a new Lois. She came to me with all of her problems, back pain, neck pain, migraines, stress, stomach issues, etc. I was more than happy to help. It's what I need to do. White Knight Syndrome. She claimed she was fine, she can take care of herself. It's okay. But knew I was there when she needed me. Whoosh!
Modeling and Mayhem
The modeling took off for her in a small way. The photography did the same for me. We took pictures, we had fun, we joined a modeling/photography community and met a whole bunch of people, etc. We found something new we were connected to and enjoyed. We made great pictures together and she seemed to love me more and more. It was 2007. Previously, around the holidays (in 06), we almost broke up. She was confused about her feelings for me. She was not sure if she had a connection to me. She was scared. After our talk, and her crying, we stayed together. The shifting nature of her emotions were usually around the same time periods. November to December around the holidays. And Summer, specifically August.
August 2007:
We broke up again with the same exact words after her surgery. I felt bad for her and wanted to be there to support her. She was on a host of pain medications and was depressed. We did not have sex for 6 months and it cut a connection to me for her. I said fine and left. Done. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster. I drove away and did not look back.
Five weeks later, she sends me gifts for my birthday. She sends a card, explaining her feelings. I thank her in a short email. She keeps emailing me and I am strong. I ask her why she keeps emailing me. She asks if I can call her this week. I decline saying we have nothing left to talk about. She pleads so I agree. Fool that I am. I call her and she wants to talk in person. I decline at first but she always knew she had a way of getting to me. I still loved her. So I agree. Did I mention the word fool?
She told me she loved me. She wanted me. She would do anything. I agreed. I had conditions. She had to start seeing a therapist for this crap. She had to promise me she was going to talk about her feelings and emotions first and not just end things. She agreed. Believe it or not, you would think this story gets worse. It actually doesn't. The following three years were much better and less dramatic then our first two. Maybe she was the one. Was I going to really spend my life with her? What kept stopping me over the years? People said I need to marry her. We should move in. But I never went that route. Why? Did I always realize this was never going to happen? That there was something off about her? She sensed it too. We were very in tune to each other.
August 2007:
We broke up again with the same exact words after her surgery. I felt bad for her and wanted to be there to support her. She was on a host of pain medications and was depressed. We did not have sex for 6 months and it cut a connection to me for her. I said fine and left. Done. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster. I drove away and did not look back.
Five weeks later, she sends me gifts for my birthday. She sends a card, explaining her feelings. I thank her in a short email. She keeps emailing me and I am strong. I ask her why she keeps emailing me. She asks if I can call her this week. I decline saying we have nothing left to talk about. She pleads so I agree. Fool that I am. I call her and she wants to talk in person. I decline at first but she always knew she had a way of getting to me. I still loved her. So I agree. Did I mention the word fool?
She told me she loved me. She wanted me. She would do anything. I agreed. I had conditions. She had to start seeing a therapist for this crap. She had to promise me she was going to talk about her feelings and emotions first and not just end things. She agreed. Believe it or not, you would think this story gets worse. It actually doesn't. The following three years were much better and less dramatic then our first two. Maybe she was the one. Was I going to really spend my life with her? What kept stopping me over the years? People said I need to marry her. We should move in. But I never went that route. Why? Did I always realize this was never going to happen? That there was something off about her? She sensed it too. We were very in tune to each other.
Sex, lies and photographs
Around this time, she has me on her computer doing something for her. I was probably downloading pictures, creating folders, etc. I saw an old pic of her from before we met labeled Rain Birthday. I open it and she is at some fancy hotel with a short, ethnic guy. He looked Italian or Hispanic. She closed the picture quickly, always something to hide. It looked like her boss. We'll call him "Shorty." I said, this looks like the same guy in the picture frame. One morning after sex, something dropped behind her bed. I went down looking for it and found a small heart shaped picture frame and a photo album of her and Shorty. I was like, huh? Your boss? You had a thing with your boss?
She flatly denies it. Even criticizing his looks and stature to me. He is 20 years older than her. Into real estate as well and has millions. She says he was always there for her as a friend and father figure only. He was there for her during her divorce. He was there for her when her father died. He took her out, wined and dined her but only as a friend. I told her it was okay to tell me the truth. She said they had to go away a few times on business trips, etc. He was only in that frame because he was the only person there for her after her divorce. More lies. Turns out, this relationship was more than that. I only found that out a week ago. They were having sex, of course. I do not know how deep it ran. Maybe she was in love with this guy. Maybe HE is Tony. Whoa. Shorty is Tony? Lets see. Both ethnic, like myself. I'm Italian. Both have grown daughters. Both involved in real estate. Both well off. And for some reason, both unattainable. You see, Shorty is married.
She turns it on me. I am acting like her crazy ex husband. I don't trust her. Etc. Etc. I guess I'll never know the full truth. Maybe they were the same person. Maybe Shorty wanted to set a place up for her and give her a baby, more money, whatever she wanted. She always talked about her boss one day setting herself up somewhere near the water to run one of his businesses and how that would be great if it happened. Maybe there really was a Tony as well. Supposedly a friend of the boss. Hmm. Not sure if I had a piece of ass on the side if I would want my friend intruding on that. I guess it doesn't matter. The proof is there. She lied. She lied to cover more lies. She lied to cover her shame and embarrassment. Maybe her guilt.
I was never invited to a company XMas party. Apparently it was for the managers and kitchen staff only. No guests. I was upset but smoothed over with more stories. Maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn't. I was skipped over from a secret fancy dinner there with her Mom, her mother's bf and her mother's work friend who was in town for a conference. I was skipped for a work friend of her mother's? The excuse of course: she likes to keep her personal life separate from her work because of her crazy ex and the problems he caused. I bought it all. Hook, line and sinker eventually. Why not? I mean the sex was great, she pumped me up like I was God's gift to women She would give me an incredible night of sex, tell me how much she loves me. Promised I would be at the next function. Ha. Never happened. She thought I was stupid, and you know what, she was right. For awhile. Why did I stay? I knew something was amiss. I knew she was a liar. I thought I could help her. She would go on medications for her depression and then off again. By the end of the year, she was in a bad car accident. Hurt her neck bad. No way the hero could think of leaving now. I had to stay and help. After all, I loved her. I was going to be there for her no matter what. What a fool I was....
She flatly denies it. Even criticizing his looks and stature to me. He is 20 years older than her. Into real estate as well and has millions. She says he was always there for her as a friend and father figure only. He was there for her during her divorce. He was there for her when her father died. He took her out, wined and dined her but only as a friend. I told her it was okay to tell me the truth. She said they had to go away a few times on business trips, etc. He was only in that frame because he was the only person there for her after her divorce. More lies. Turns out, this relationship was more than that. I only found that out a week ago. They were having sex, of course. I do not know how deep it ran. Maybe she was in love with this guy. Maybe HE is Tony. Whoa. Shorty is Tony? Lets see. Both ethnic, like myself. I'm Italian. Both have grown daughters. Both involved in real estate. Both well off. And for some reason, both unattainable. You see, Shorty is married.
She turns it on me. I am acting like her crazy ex husband. I don't trust her. Etc. Etc. I guess I'll never know the full truth. Maybe they were the same person. Maybe Shorty wanted to set a place up for her and give her a baby, more money, whatever she wanted. She always talked about her boss one day setting herself up somewhere near the water to run one of his businesses and how that would be great if it happened. Maybe there really was a Tony as well. Supposedly a friend of the boss. Hmm. Not sure if I had a piece of ass on the side if I would want my friend intruding on that. I guess it doesn't matter. The proof is there. She lied. She lied to cover more lies. She lied to cover her shame and embarrassment. Maybe her guilt.
I was never invited to a company XMas party. Apparently it was for the managers and kitchen staff only. No guests. I was upset but smoothed over with more stories. Maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn't. I was skipped over from a secret fancy dinner there with her Mom, her mother's bf and her mother's work friend who was in town for a conference. I was skipped for a work friend of her mother's? The excuse of course: she likes to keep her personal life separate from her work because of her crazy ex and the problems he caused. I bought it all. Hook, line and sinker eventually. Why not? I mean the sex was great, she pumped me up like I was God's gift to women She would give me an incredible night of sex, tell me how much she loves me. Promised I would be at the next function. Ha. Never happened. She thought I was stupid, and you know what, she was right. For awhile. Why did I stay? I knew something was amiss. I knew she was a liar. I thought I could help her. She would go on medications for her depression and then off again. By the end of the year, she was in a bad car accident. Hurt her neck bad. No way the hero could think of leaving now. I had to stay and help. After all, I loved her. I was going to be there for her no matter what. What a fool I was....
Crossroads
Our first year was very rocky.
Valentines Day 2006. She is making me dinner so we can have a romantic evening at her house. She is on myspace at work constantly while talking with me (while I am at work). I had a funny feeling come over me. The same instincts I had when she was seeing a lot of guys. Well, some guy she was flirting with on there decides to contact me on myspace, copying and pasting all of their conversations. The dirty talk. The sex talk. Take off your panties for me baby while at work. Okay! Shit like that. I told her about it and she was floored. She cried. It was only flirting. It was only this and that. She apologized. I accepted her apology, we ate dinner and had meaningless sex. I told her I was still upset and wanted to leave. That it felt ruined. We did not break up but she had her way of making me feel like the best guy in the world, she loved me, etc. I had so many thoughts of breaking up with her. Not just then, but that year. She had met my daughter by now and I felt I already started to invest in this. My family loved her and we started a new adventure together. She wanted to get back into modeling but was scared. Her ex put her down so much. So, I, always believing her to be sexy and beautiful, pumped her up and encouraged her to do it. She liked my artwork and wanted me to get into photography.
She used to drink too much and put herself in a stupid situation once when I warned and warned her not to. I remember breaking up with her and she was a mess. At one point I was worried and she said she had thoughts of hurting herself. I just had to save her. I don't know if those thoughts were real or not but she goes to very dark places when she is depressed. I believe she is in one of those places lately but will not admit it, even to herself. With bpd or hpd, she feels fine now but as time goes on, she will get lonely and more depressed they say. I hate seeing her hit rock bottom. The white knight rides again. Whoosh....sigh.
Valentines Day 2006. She is making me dinner so we can have a romantic evening at her house. She is on myspace at work constantly while talking with me (while I am at work). I had a funny feeling come over me. The same instincts I had when she was seeing a lot of guys. Well, some guy she was flirting with on there decides to contact me on myspace, copying and pasting all of their conversations. The dirty talk. The sex talk. Take off your panties for me baby while at work. Okay! Shit like that. I told her about it and she was floored. She cried. It was only flirting. It was only this and that. She apologized. I accepted her apology, we ate dinner and had meaningless sex. I told her I was still upset and wanted to leave. That it felt ruined. We did not break up but she had her way of making me feel like the best guy in the world, she loved me, etc. I had so many thoughts of breaking up with her. Not just then, but that year. She had met my daughter by now and I felt I already started to invest in this. My family loved her and we started a new adventure together. She wanted to get back into modeling but was scared. Her ex put her down so much. So, I, always believing her to be sexy and beautiful, pumped her up and encouraged her to do it. She liked my artwork and wanted me to get into photography.
She used to drink too much and put herself in a stupid situation once when I warned and warned her not to. I remember breaking up with her and she was a mess. At one point I was worried and she said she had thoughts of hurting herself. I just had to save her. I don't know if those thoughts were real or not but she goes to very dark places when she is depressed. I believe she is in one of those places lately but will not admit it, even to herself. With bpd or hpd, she feels fine now but as time goes on, she will get lonely and more depressed they say. I hate seeing her hit rock bottom. The white knight rides again. Whoosh....sigh.
The Honeymoon Stage
So, I met Rain online 5 years ago and we decided to meet up. We hit it off and our relationship was like a fire that sparked quickly. We had passion. We were intense. Hot and steamy. Then, after three days, she ended it. She felt rejected by me with something I had said. She wanted to see other people and have fun. Which she did. I did as well. Sunday again. I remember. Blam! Over. I was shocked, as always. My broken record it seems haha.
Within a week, she wanted me back. I believe it was after a few days. I looked in my email box and realize I saved our old conversations from years ago. I read through some of them. The same words I heard a couple of weeks ago. So, we got back together and sizzled some more. We clicked so well sexually. I introduced her to new highs and things she did not experience before. We laughed, played pool, just had fun all the time.
Fast forward a month. August 2005.
We had a passionate night of sex at her house. Showed her a couple of new things. When all was said and done, she ended it. The same words. The same words! I was like, huh???? I was getting too close to her and it was freaking her out. I said ok and left. Shocked. My repeating emotion.
About ten days later, she wants to meet. We do. She seduces me back and I willingly accept. But, someone has entered the picture. Some mysterious former boyfriend is back in the picture. He has money. Older than her. Adult or almost adult daughters. Divorced. Buys her things. He is back in the picture now. So she asks, can we still be together and see other people? We talk for awhile and agree since we have only been together for five weeks and I was not looking for an exclusive thing. Lets call this guy by his supposed name, "Tony."
So, we continue and get more serious. She is seeing a few guys at this point and it bothers me. I find out she has been overly flirting to the point of cyber sex, meeting various guys, fucking them on the first meeting, etc. It is too much for me and I end things. She flips out. She tells me she loves me and I do the same, saying its over. That weekend I leave and visit my Mom with my daughter. Over that weekend she calls me, pleads with me, etc. After a week we reconcile. She agrees to only see me and "Tony." I tell her now that our feelings are in the open, it has to be him or me. She asks if she can have a month to decide. By Christmas. I agree.
That month was hell for me. This guy buys her diamond earrings, etc. He offers her a life with a new house, etc. She picks me and tells me XMas eve. I am elated. We hug, we kiss. He is gone. She told me she broke it off for him at Carabbas over dinner and he cried, left. Done. At her house that week, I saw an envelope on the counter. I had given her an envelope previously with pictures I printed out of us and she kept it on her. So, I thought this was our pics. I even asked her, hey honey are these are pics. She was doing something and said yes. I open them. They were private pictures of her and this guy. From the past. She was heavier then, different hair style. She freaked out and took them quickly, saying her gave those back to her after she ended it. So there was my proof he was gone it seemed. I dropped it and we went on our merry way.
Merry indeed.
Within a week, she wanted me back. I believe it was after a few days. I looked in my email box and realize I saved our old conversations from years ago. I read through some of them. The same words I heard a couple of weeks ago. So, we got back together and sizzled some more. We clicked so well sexually. I introduced her to new highs and things she did not experience before. We laughed, played pool, just had fun all the time.
Fast forward a month. August 2005.
We had a passionate night of sex at her house. Showed her a couple of new things. When all was said and done, she ended it. The same words. The same words! I was like, huh???? I was getting too close to her and it was freaking her out. I said ok and left. Shocked. My repeating emotion.
About ten days later, she wants to meet. We do. She seduces me back and I willingly accept. But, someone has entered the picture. Some mysterious former boyfriend is back in the picture. He has money. Older than her. Adult or almost adult daughters. Divorced. Buys her things. He is back in the picture now. So she asks, can we still be together and see other people? We talk for awhile and agree since we have only been together for five weeks and I was not looking for an exclusive thing. Lets call this guy by his supposed name, "Tony."
So, we continue and get more serious. She is seeing a few guys at this point and it bothers me. I find out she has been overly flirting to the point of cyber sex, meeting various guys, fucking them on the first meeting, etc. It is too much for me and I end things. She flips out. She tells me she loves me and I do the same, saying its over. That weekend I leave and visit my Mom with my daughter. Over that weekend she calls me, pleads with me, etc. After a week we reconcile. She agrees to only see me and "Tony." I tell her now that our feelings are in the open, it has to be him or me. She asks if she can have a month to decide. By Christmas. I agree.
That month was hell for me. This guy buys her diamond earrings, etc. He offers her a life with a new house, etc. She picks me and tells me XMas eve. I am elated. We hug, we kiss. He is gone. She told me she broke it off for him at Carabbas over dinner and he cried, left. Done. At her house that week, I saw an envelope on the counter. I had given her an envelope previously with pictures I printed out of us and she kept it on her. So, I thought this was our pics. I even asked her, hey honey are these are pics. She was doing something and said yes. I open them. They were private pictures of her and this guy. From the past. She was heavier then, different hair style. She freaked out and took them quickly, saying her gave those back to her after she ended it. So there was my proof he was gone it seemed. I dropped it and we went on our merry way.
Merry indeed.
The Hit and Run Accident
That's how I classify the break up. It was a hit and run accident. She hit and ran.
But, wasn't it always like that with her?
For our story, lets call her "Rain." I think it fits. It depicts an aspect of her personality or one of her personalities that was of a more risque, exhibitionist nature that wanted to be the center of attention.
So, Rain comes over, a week after our cruise, and ends it. Bam! Just like that. No talking about things. No discussing feelings, barriers, the future, etc. like normal people would. Just, it's over. "I don't want this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I am not sure how I feel about you anymore. I think I lost feelings for you. I lost a connection to you."
I was shocked. Floored. What the hell? You promised me we would talk about things if it ever got to this? What is going on? She said that she did not see the relationship going further than what it was. She said she could not see us having a baby, living together, getting married. She was not sure if I was the one or even if I was, would I ever do it. She started to cry and shake while I talked with her. I knew she has been dealing with depression all her life. I know that she was without her medication that week for about four days. When we got back from the cruise, she went to work and things fell apart for her. She was stressed, tired, worn out, upset, depressed. Each day she did not want to see me, go out, etc. She just wanted to retreat home and stay there to unwind. I gave her that space. Then, Sunday happened.
The broken record.
How so?
Read on to the next post. I call it, the Honeymoon Stage from 5 years ago.
But, wasn't it always like that with her?
For our story, lets call her "Rain." I think it fits. It depicts an aspect of her personality or one of her personalities that was of a more risque, exhibitionist nature that wanted to be the center of attention.
So, Rain comes over, a week after our cruise, and ends it. Bam! Just like that. No talking about things. No discussing feelings, barriers, the future, etc. like normal people would. Just, it's over. "I don't want this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I am not sure how I feel about you anymore. I think I lost feelings for you. I lost a connection to you."
It was a broken record that kept playing again and again.
I was shocked. Floored. What the hell? You promised me we would talk about things if it ever got to this? What is going on? She said that she did not see the relationship going further than what it was. She said she could not see us having a baby, living together, getting married. She was not sure if I was the one or even if I was, would I ever do it. She started to cry and shake while I talked with her. I knew she has been dealing with depression all her life. I know that she was without her medication that week for about four days. When we got back from the cruise, she went to work and things fell apart for her. She was stressed, tired, worn out, upset, depressed. Each day she did not want to see me, go out, etc. She just wanted to retreat home and stay there to unwind. I gave her that space. Then, Sunday happened.
The broken record.
How so?
Read on to the next post. I call it, the Honeymoon Stage from 5 years ago.
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