Crossroads

Our first year was very rocky.

Valentines Day 2006. She is making me dinner so we can have a romantic evening at her house. She is on myspace at work constantly while talking with me (while I am at work). I had a funny feeling come over me. The same instincts I had when she was seeing a lot of guys. Well, some guy she was flirting with on there decides to contact me on myspace, copying and pasting all of their conversations. The dirty talk. The sex talk. Take off your panties for me baby while at work. Okay! Shit like that. I told her about it and she was floored. She cried. It was only flirting. It was only this and that. She apologized. I accepted her apology, we ate dinner and had meaningless sex. I told her I was still upset and wanted to leave. That it felt ruined. We did not break up but she had her way of making me feel like the best guy in the world, she loved me, etc. I had so many thoughts of breaking up with her. Not just then, but that year. She had met my daughter by now and I felt I already started to invest in this. My family loved her and we started a new adventure together. She wanted to get back into modeling but was scared. Her ex put her down so much. So, I, always believing her to be sexy and beautiful, pumped her up and encouraged her to do it. She liked my artwork and wanted me to get into photography.

She used to drink too much and put herself in a stupid situation once when I warned and warned her not to. I remember breaking up with her and she was a mess. At one point I was worried and she said she had thoughts of hurting herself. I just had to save her. I don't know if those thoughts were real or not but she goes to very dark places when she is depressed. I believe she is in one of those places lately but will not admit it, even to herself. With bpd or hpd, she feels fine now but as time goes on, she will get lonely and more depressed they say. I hate seeing her hit rock bottom. The white knight rides again. Whoosh....sigh.