Baggage - Relationships

Time to take a break from the story to talk about baggage. Consider this an intermission. 

Baggage. We all have it. And I have my amount as well. This is not just a forum to tell my story and criticize Rain and her problems. What have I learned from this story as well?

I, like Rain, come from a dysfunctional family. My father was very abusive. My mother, cold, critical and calculating at times. Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Both our father's died and we both are filled with a range of mixed emotions and guilt concerning our fathers. Her Mom is great. I love her. She is Rain's biggest fan and acts as an enabler most of the time. She knows Rain has issues and has asked me about them over the years. Out of respect for Rain, I clam up. She refused to tell her mother anything. Her mother is in the dark about a lot in Rain's past. She was tragically raped at 13. She had an abusive boyfriend who beat her up. An ex husband who put her down, cheated on her and stalked her for years. Now it's evident, a secret affair with her boss. The woman who was cheated on and considers cheating the lowest of the low in a relationship, is the other woman now. It empowers her. The cheated on is now the cheater. The guilty party. And there is a good chance it happened throughout our relationship. This man is always in a position of power. He can make her day a joy or nightmare. With a whim, she will be one of the employees fired or laid off. Her raise is dependent on his word. Anytime she wants to move onto another position of power there, she never does. After all, he tells her she is irreplaceable. And why leave a position when you can get what you need through a little flirting or more? He is the ultimate parachute in her life. Things are not going well? Depressed? Sad? Alone? He is there for her. Did she always lie? Is she a pathological liar? I don't get it.

I am not perfect. Far from it. I have trust issues. I have intimacy issues. I don't like to be abandoned. My self esteem has been in the toilet before. I am overweight and don't make a ton of money. My artistic endeavors have been only moderately successful. I like to be in control. I like to be dominant in certain areas of my life and always want to be in control. These were things she said she loved about me but the line can be blurred sometimes and I don't know if I go too far. Too possessive or is it just my insecurities?

I slept with a few married women in my life. She threw this is my face multiple times when I confronted her with the proof recently. I admitted it. I was wrong. I did it a few times and then stopped. No contact. She, on the other hand, has has this destructive and morally empty secret going on for years. Maybe while we were together. Maybe not. But, I could never trust her so why does it matter? Back to me. My ex wife was a nut. Still is. Did I trade one for the other? I could not trust. I snooped years ago when I had suspicions. She was so secretive about everything. How could she have anyone live with her? But, Rain had so many good points. She was beautiful. She was about 150lbs. or more when we met. Her weight went up and down over the years. She is probably around 115 now. I thought she was sexy no matter what weight. I took pictures of her and made her the centerpiece of my artwork that I was experimenting in. She was fun to be around. The center of attention, like myself. We played off of each other very well. Our sex was exciting and she was responsive to all my ideas. She even had some of her own. I could help her. I could fix her. She came to me when I needed someone to make me feel good. Valid. Handsome. Needed. Wanted. A hero. Strong. Talented. Smart. Wonderful. 

I know she has issues. She has admitted it to me many times. She told me to run away from her one night after drinking a few months into our relationship. She calls herself names like a nut, nutjob, nutball, etc. when she is upset. But, with my cape and boots, I can help her. I can save her. I can make her happy. I know I can! I can fix everything! I'm Superman!

I'm a fool.

No one can save her but herself.

She won't. She will stay at that job or depend on Shorty forever. She will continue the affair even though she's been exposed. She will make new lies to cover up the affair and past. She will even vilify anyone who gets in her way, including me. Her Superman. Her D. I have to be disposable for her psyche to survive. So her low self esteem and self worth does not plummet more. I am just collateral damage now. I am the enemy. The person who loved and supported her is now gone. Does it matter that I was probably the only normal long term boyfriend she has ever had? Well, except for Shorty. I am sure she has feelings for him after all these years. Maybe she loves him. She denied it to me when I asked her the other day if she was in love with him. She said no.  It does not matter. If she believes this is the future for her, then let her enjoy it. She will be alone, never being truly loved. Never knowing what true love is. How is she going to meet someone new that is special to her when all she has is lies?

My damsel in distress needs a new hero. Her life has tumbled down. She is tired of running from everything in her head. It's all become too much. Superman flew away and has to find a new Lois. She came to me with all of her problems, back pain, neck pain, migraines, stress, stomach issues, etc. I was more than happy to help. It's what I need to do. White Knight Syndrome. She claimed she was fine, she can take care of herself. It's okay. But knew I was there when she needed me. Whoosh!