After speaking with a couple of professionals, they both agreed that she has a personality disorder. Something that can be remedied with therapy and medicine.
How did she get this? They claim any early sexual trauma, death of a parent, being in an unfaithful relationship, etc. can all contribute to this. I did a lot of reading on it myself.
Emotionally, Rain is just stuck. She may be a 34 year old woman, functioning, smart, funny, clever, etc. but EMOTIONALLY she is a kid still. She is that poor 13 year old girl who learned a hard lesson and had a crappy hand dealt to her. It does not help when she had even more crap hurled at her by men. How can she have a mature, adult, lasting relationship? The answer is, she cannot. She never healed from the old wounds. Not from 13, not from 16, not from 25. She is stuck in time. I saw this in her. Not to the extent of believing she had a personality disorder, but to the extent that she needed help. I tried but she did not listen. Maybe I should have tried harder? Uh oh, hero complex. See, I need to be needed. I need to be the hero. Nope. This was her job to do for years. Not keep it all bottled up. Not letting it fester and control her. And the sad thing, she does not want to be alone. No way. She cannot deal with being along for long periods. Why? She does not love herself. She needs her boss who is available and ready. She needs a guy at the bar. A co-worker. An old flame. Someone to make her feel loved; to make her feel desirable. If not, her depression will get worse. Sad thing, it will get worse than before in between moments of passion. This is the girl I knew all these years? It makes me sad. Sad for her. Sad for us.
Everything is black or white with a person suffering from this. She sees people as good or bad. There is no in between. If a photographer went off, acted like an ass, etc. he was bad. Forever. There was so much anger. If so and so did this, they were bad. Well, she justifies in her mind "we were broken up when I slept with him (even if it was a break)." Or "you didn't need to know about him because it was in the past (even though she was working for this person every day as his asst.)." "It's okay that I did this because I was depressed." "I should be allowed to act or feel this way because of the crap I've been through." Everything is black or white. There is no wiggle room or middle ground. Soon, I will be labeled bad by her so she can justify the break up. Or her decision right now is "the right thing to do." It has to be that way in her head for her to accept this decision.
Borderline personality disorder perhaps. Or, Histrionic personality disorder.
She displays many traits of a borderline. And of a histrionic. They will:
1. be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention
2. dress too sexy, exhibit overly flirty, sexual behavior for attention and affection
3. shift emotions rapidly, sometimes every few hours
4. after a break up, find a new mate that is inappropriate age wise, unattainable, possibly a superior at work or someone in an unhappy marriage
5. act very dramatic like in front of an audience, but not sincere
6. be overly concerned with physical appearance, not liking the inside
7. be excessively overly sensitive to criticism
8. constantly seeks approval
9. low tolerance for frustration, bored by routine, skips from one project to another
10. not thinking before acting
11. makes rash decisions
12. self - centered
13. have difficulty maintaining relationships
14. threaten or attempt suicide, hurting themselves, cutting, etc. to get attention
15. prefers physical pain to hide the emotional
A borderline will have different personas to fit each mate they have or situation. She has a persona with me: the supportive gf, damsel in distress, sex kitten, perfect model and collaborator. At work she is the dragon lady and in control. With her mother, she is strong, confident, sassy. With her modeling friends she is all of these things combined. Very confident, strong, sexy, sassy.
A borderline also has confusion about their feelings, emotions, who they are, etc.
Alienating and distancing behaviors: the need to be with someone but when it gets too close, they run and become alienated.
Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
BPDs will go between strong dependancy to complete withdrawal in relationships. Moods and emotions can shift every few hours, not just each day or week.
To be honest, I am not sure what is wrong with Rain. I do believe she has some kind of personality disorder. I think, deep down, she realizes she needs help. She refuses to get it though. Even the last time I saw her and brought this up, her response was "with all the shit I've had in my life, don't I deserve to be fucked up?" My response was, "Yes you do babe, but you also have the right to get better."
All I know is that I am glad I am away from her. I do love her still. That is not going to vanish. She said she still loves me. But, I know she has problems and will only do this all over again. I can never trust her again. Not just with her boss, but with anyone at this point. I will miss her. I will miss the times we spent together, her sense of humor, the things we did together, the sex of course and all the fun we had. Our five years together was great, on the whole. We had some bad moments as you can read in these posts. But, I will miss her. Or will I miss who I was when we were together. People used to classify us as a team, like Batman and Robin. And we did make a great team on many fronts. If she would have gotten help for herself sooner, maybe things could have went differently. I can't say "if I did more, if I was a better boyfriend, if I had more money, if I pushed her more to get help, if I was thinner," etc. etc. It's the hero complex I have talking. I did all I could. She knows that deep down. Before she changes me in her mind into some scum like all of her other ex boyfriends and her ex husband, I hope she realizes that and hangs on to some good memories. I hope she gets help because I think deep down she is a good person who makes stupid choices.
Thats all for now. I need to put on my cape and boots for my daughter right now.
And I need to be Super for myself.
And I need to be Super for myself.
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