Who was the person behind the curtain?

It's a valid question.

Who was she? Her name was Cary.

She was beautiful. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I liked her. A smile that could light up the room. I loved her smile. Her laugh was incredible. Her sexual appetite perhaps too much. Then again, it was like that to cover up her pain. She carried around so much emotional pain.

Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Her mother was overly critical of her appearance and made Cary very self conscious in her youth. At 13, she was raped by three boys. The other males in her life were not much better. Her boyfriend Mark in high school beat her up. He was abusive and even blackmailed her. Her ex-husband cheated on her, told her she was fat and unattractive. There is so much I probably don't know. What was she covering up that was not told to me?

Did she also cheat on her ex-husband as he claimed? She did cheat on her boyfriends in high school. She cheated on Mike, her first love while they were in culinary school with his best friend. And she cheated on him constantly. She showed no remorse for it. There seemed to be a lack of conscience. Cheating seemed second nature to her. Why not cheat if she felt entitled to it? She thought all men were cheaters. She had been hurt for years. She hated the other woman in her marriage. It seems she wanted to take some power back for herself. Who knows when it started, but she began her secret relationship with her boss, Vincent, in her mid twenties. Around the time of her divorce and her father dying is when it supposedly started. Her new father figure had arrived. Perhaps her personality disorder was manifesting at this point. Vincent was married. He was her boss. He spoiled Cary, buying her expensive shoes, jewelry and who knows what else. He liked taking her away on trips behind his wife's back. It seems to me this started before her divorce. What are the chances she was faithful (while her ex thought her to be cheating with her boss) and then after the divorce they start a relationship? Is it that she cannot help herself? Welcome to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. When she feels unloved, not valid, not good enough, not desired, she gets that validation from men. Sex to be precise. The chances that she cheated on her ex husband are very high. Everything is about her needs. Everything.

So, she meets me. Supposedly I turn her head. She sees me as her rescuer. The man who could possibly make her dreams come true. Her new identity is being created. She picks me over him. She talks about a baby. Searching for that thing to make her complete, she thinks she finds it on my path. Who knows how long it took but I am sure she was back in his arms whenever she needed something. To fill that void inside her. Before we went exclusive, she had sexual escapades with me, her boss, Carl, Bobby the bass player, as well as one night stands with others. How many do I not know about? She cybered online with men. She drank excessively. She loved to spend money. A trainwreck waiting to happen. She started modeling again with my help and spawned two modeling identities: one good and one bad so to say. A makeup artist portfolio. A jewelry line. Always needing to do something more to fill up her life that felt so empty to her. I was not enough for her. Neither was the modeling. The boss wasn't either. A term like contentment was foreign to her. Comfort was not preferred. Only drama and chaos: what she has been used to her entire life.

Self medicating with pills to combat depression, she refused therapy. She mixed them with pain killers, muscle relaxers, topamax for migraine prevention, medicine for her bladder, IBS, reflux and who knows what else. She became a zombie. By the time she went off of her depression meds cold turkey for four days, the cracks split wide open. This person, who was inside the whole time, was now out. The identity she had with me could no longer be sustained. Her emotions always a whirlwind due to her bpd, she was not sure she loved me anymore. Later, of course, she did. But it was too late.

While on a break, she went off with Vincent. I found out. Like with most things, she lied. And lied. Finally admitting to it, this person was quite evident to me. She was selfish. Self serving and self absorbed. Petty. Angry. Vindictive. Full of hate. No remorse or empathy. No conscience coming through. Justifying her behaviors and lies. Needing attention always. She became worse on the modelmayhem forums, drawing attention to herself every minute she could. Cruel to me, trying to make me jealous and angry. Refusing to call Emily back to say goodbye. Contacting me for silly reasons. Angry when I began to ignore her. Paranoid about me and her ex-husband. She will keep cycling. Up then down. Happy then sad. Even when she is happy for a short time, she is still filled with those voices of criticism. She is still empty inside. Blaming me for not giving her a baby, for not attending to her needs or paying enough attention to her, she absolved herself of any blame or responsibility. She will continue to act like this. Even calling herself the nickname I called her, kitty to people. I am sure she calls other guys the nickname she called me.

This is who she is. This is what she is. Broken. And I cannot fix her. No one can. She will be like this forever. The girl with the broken smile.

More Reflections

Well, its been two months now. A lot has gone through my mind. Thoughts spinning around like a tornado. About her. About us. About her and Vincent. About me. About my childhood. Those wounds of abandonment, self worth, not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not feeling loved just ripped right open with this breakup. Being borderline, Carrie really made me feel like the most important thing in the world. Idealized. I was strong. She felt safe and secure. I was handsome, attractive, a sexual god. I was funny, creative, smart and talented. When she left, I feel like all of those things went with her. I was none of those things anymore. Well, at least for awhile I wasn't. I am starting to find all of those things again. I was all of these things before she came along. I am certainly all of those things now that she's out of my life. I am still smart. I have a Masters degree now. People usually come to me for my knowledge and advice. I am creative and talented. I do great pictures still without her and am continuing my photography and art. I am still handsome and attractive. I am still good in bed. I am still strong and can make people feel safe around me. I am still funny and make people laugh. She may have awakened those things in me but now it is up to me to awaken them.

She is simply not worth being in my life. Carrie is a dishonest person. She always has been. Lied to me for years that Vincent was Tony. Lied to me about the men she saw when we were first together and I wonder how many I never knew about. She made lies to cover up her own shame and regrets. Carrie has little self esteem and low self worth. She does not like herself inside. Sad and depressed, she relies on new medications always to solve her problems. Her moods go up and down to extremes. Never satisfied with anything or anyone in her life, she is always looking for something to fill that void inside of her. Her emotions are always in flux. She does not know who she is. And she uses and manipulates to get whatever she needs at the time. She has no idea what real love is. Everything is about her. Everything is about her needs. Self centered and self absorbed. Toxic.

It's a good thing she's out of my life. Everything would be about her. She would just do this to me again. Hurt me. I would never be able to trust her. She cannot even trust herself. Broken. And no one can fix her. She will never get better. She will always be like this. Unhappy. Sad, dead eyes that I have seen lately. The Carrie I know is gone forever. This new one has taken her place. Perhaps, the real her all along. The mask she wore for me has been shattered. She's been exposed. And this ideal I had of her is now gone. Goodbye.

Open Letter to Carrie

She'll never read this. No one she knows will. Except me. This is for me.

Carrie,

I want to forgive you. Right now, I can't. I understand, even if you don't, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. This started as a child and manifested in your late teen years/early adulthood. You need to be the center of attention. You crave attention and fish for compliments. You always had to be assured that I loved you. You cannot regulate your emotions. One day you love me, one day you don't. One day you hate me. Why? Because you hate yourself some days. You are never satisfied and are bored easily. You are hypersexual one day, non sexual the next. You are prone to cheat since you feel you are entitled to it. You are prone to an overuse of alcohol and prescription drugs for your ailments. You are the damsel in distress who does not want to be saved deep down. Far more comfortable with the chaos than you are the calm. It's what you know. It's what makes you feel alive. Constantly battling the choppy waters, never swimming to shore. Low self esteem and self worth. A lack of identity. You mirror those around you to become what they want or expect you to be. Childlike in your emotions: refusing to talk about them, instead you act on them. Common sense, morals and ethics are just words to you. There is no real remorse. Everything you do or have done is justified. There is no blame for you to take. You hate yourself inside. You have unresolved issues with your parents. Acting them out in your adult relationships instead. This is why you have a Daddy complex. Each man in your life you deem special is your Daddy again in one way or another. It's what you called me. I am sure it is what you call others. You have deep shame inside of you. Depression. Dysmorphic disorder. It comes from this. Borderline with histrionic and narcissistic traits. The constant push/pull with me: pull me close when you need me, push me away when it gets too much. A fear of intimacy. A fear of commitment. No wonder you always said that we could never live together. If I found out how you really were, I would leave you one day. Abandon you. I could not see you like this. No one can. You keep it from everyone. You get your validation, sadly, from men. Flirting, attention, sex. It gives you temporary worth. You love, not like I do, but you love based on need. What or who you need at the time to feel whole. You need to be loved  more than you need to love. You use, manipulate and control to get what you want. Part of you wanted me to control aspects of your life. The other part resented me for it. I saw rage inside of you over small matters. Things that were in the past. Splitting. Everything is black or white with you. Good or evil. There is no middle ground. No grey area. Some days I will be all bad to you. Some days I will be good. Who knows? I know you need to blame me now. It's how you survive.

I understand who you are now.

As far as Vincent goes, of course you ran to him after we broke up. I have a strong feeling you ran to him when you felt neglected by me. If you felt like I did not love you or was going to end up leaving you one day. You feel you are entitled to happiness. To the sex and attention he gives you. To the material things he buys for you. Jimmy Choo shoes, purses, jewelry, even landscaping and sprinklers. Money left on your nightstand or handed to you when you are upset. It just makes me think of you as a whore. He is unobtainable to you. Safe. He will not leave his wife for good. He does not have to scare you by loving you so much. There is no big commitment from him. There can be none from you. It is a safe situation for your psyche. I feel bad for the next guy. Vincent will always be there in an inappropriate capacity. No wonder I was never allowed to come to a company Christmas party. No wonder I was left out and lied to about the Venetian Room dinners. I am sure there was no picture of us in your office. You can't go on disrupting your relationship with Vincent (or at least the possibility of one). Or when you need him. You actually let this man, a former lover, whose picture you kept in a heart frame, in your house when I was not there to "fix something." How stupid do you think I am? Now that I know the truth anyway. You lied to me about who he was for five years. You lied about so much. Even when I caught you at the end, you lied. And lied again. And again until finally admitting to it. You railed against your ex husband for cheating on you. But, you cheated on every man you have been with long term, including me I'm sure. You hated the woman he cheated with. But, you are the other woman in your boss' marriage. You used to criticize those who cheated, saying it was the worst thing you could do in a r/s. That the women your boss was with were sluts and whores. Well, looks like you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known. Congratulations. And did you show remorse to me? No. You said you were sorry I got hurt. That was it. Justified everything else though. And now, I am the one to blame for all of this. I deserved this in your eyes. You will convince yourself, and others of this. It's how you'll sleep at night. It's how you survive.

I didn't deserve this. I loved you. I took care of you. I encouraged you. I thought you beautiful inside and out and told you all the time. It did not matter to me if you were 150 lbs. or 115 lbs. I made you the center of my art. Was I perfect? Far from it. I have control issues. I have codependent issues. But, I did not deserve this. No one does. I do not want you in my life. This is why I told you repeatedly that I wanted no contact. You have broken this a number of times in different ways. You have tried to make me jealous, angry. I told you I would never take you back. Ever. There is no trust anymore. I cannot look at you the same way again. You got flirty with me. Nope. Not even for one night. It's over. I loved you so much. I placed you on a pedestal and put your needs above my own all the time. A baby? Well, if you had one serious conversation with me about it, I would be all for it. I said this in the past. But you have changed your mind so many times. You started dropping hints and making jokes. I made jokes back. It's what we did all the time with everything. You wanted to do this since you got depressed again. It was not the best time for that decision. Not with all the pills and lack of therapy. You want to fill this void inside you. You constantly search for something to fill that void you have had since childhood. A marriage. A baby. A man to make you happy. It cannot ever happen until you are happy with yourself. You seek an identity. You don't know who you are but think that this new subsumed identity (you, me and baby) will make you happy. And you hate me for not giving this to you. You will come to hate me for many reasons. You told me once, early on, to run away from you. You told me on numerous occasions that you were nuts and unstable. That you could never be the gf that I deserved. I should have listened. You should have let me go those many times instead of begging me back. You did not want to be alone. Your needs. At the end of the day, that is what mattered most. It is what will matter most for the rest of your life.

This letter will never be sent. It will fall on deaf ears. You will not believe any of this. I know this to be true. A counselor, a psych professor, a colleague and myself all came to the same exact conclusion separately. Borderline issues. You say you want to get therapy but I do not believe that to be true. I think you only told me that so you can test the waters. See if I was receptive to taking you back one day. I am not. You will continue to be in denial for many years to come. Maybe the rest of your life. The important thing for me is to worry about myself and Emily. To become a better person and father from all of this. To find that happiness inside of me without relying on someone else to provide it or bring it out. One day I know I will forgive you. One day.

Al

Inappropriate Behaviors and Red Flags

I want to compile a list for myself - easy reference when I need it.

1. we met on an adult dating site
2. she stayed on the adult dating site even when things were going good for us
3. she insisted on seeing other people and slutted around too much
4. she went overboard with flirting online
5. she went overboard with one night stands and justified it all
6. she warned me to "run away" from her, that she was not good for me
7. even after she fell in love with me, she still was undecided between me and Vincent
8. she was willing to forgo a normal, budding, exciting relationship for one that was a part time r/s where she was the other woman, was spoiled, made to feel like a prostitute at times
9. she once said she felt like hurting herself after I broke up with her
10. she used to drink to excess, once to a point that a photographer groped her, performed oral on her
11. she was willing to keep that shame secret so I could learn photography
12. she was all too willing to try anything sexually
13. she wanted to have sex with me on the first date
14. when I did not want her to see my old apartment and refused sex, she took that as rejection of her and broke things off with me
15. she detaches from her feelings and people as survival tools
16. she has said she does not believe people could be monogamous
17. she cheated on past boyfriends - Mark, Rich, Mike, etc.
18. she justified her cheating while railing against her ex husband's infidelity
19. she never came to terms with her marriage and divorce - a lot of anger and rage
20. she saw sex as a technical act and only to achieve orgasm
21. she used to masturbate just to get an orgasm while watching tv - nothing sexual about it
22. she saw sex as a tool - seduction, get what she wants, revenge, etc.
23. she lied about many things, even continued to lie after I was done with the r/s
24. she lied about the Venetian Room dinner and kept me away on purpose
25. she cybered with someone on Valentine's Day, then went to make us dinner
26. she would flirt, dress sexy to get attention from men, even if she said they were pervs
27. she needed to be constantly reassured I loved her, thought she was sexy
28. she could not leave the house without makeup
29. she had a hard time letting me see her without makeup
30. she used "our pictures" or a picture she took just for me to lure other guys over to her place when we could still see other people (and lied about it)
31. she sent pictures of herself to guys she knew to get their praise and attention
32. she did not like it if I got jealous but got quite jealous herself
33. she exaggerated stories about me to her mother to justify our breakups
34. she kept me away from her job and Vincent, admitted recently she could not handle us meeting
35. she tried to always get me jealous by telling me stories about men who wanted her, flirted with her, etc. - make herself more desirable in my eyes
36. she was always confused about her feelings - very bpd
37. even after I was hurt bad, she made it all about her and her problems with Rich
38. when I dropped off the dog gate, she got flirty with me, made it about her and how good she looks
39. she was uncompromising about her house and living space
40. hypersexual at times, non sexual other times - complete opposites
41. never content, always open to new sexual highs with me
42. big commitment issues and trust issues
43. self centered and self absorbed always
44. she used to turn conversations around so they were about her
45. at the end of the day, her needs were most important
46. she felt rejected and criticized over the smallest of things
47. she felt rejected if I told her not to stress about work so much
48. she bad mouthed people all the time including friends and co-workers - splitting
49. she felt entitled to whatever she wanted
50. she vilified her ex for cheating but was the other woman in another marriage
51. she justified her relationship with Vincent
52. she shows very little empathy and remorse towards me and others
53. she always fished for compliments
54. she paid too much attention to her makeup, hair, etc. and nothing for the inside
55. she was too materialistic deep down
56. she made threats to leave and go home if things were not good
57. she was threatened by my female friends as well as hers
58. she embellishes and exaggerates stories
59. she overused pills for all her ailments
60. she would always have physical problems - neck, back, knee, bladder, IBS, migraines, stress management was poor, headaches, reflux, etc.
61. she refused therapy
62. she was suicidal in her youth and hurt herself
63. she liked to be smacked in the face during sex
64. no sense of who she is
65. she could not talk about feelings or her issues
66. she often played victim but ragged on others who do the same
67. she was dramatic
68. she never called Emily back to say goodbye, was hesitant when Em wanted to say bye
69. ignored my family - no email bye - distant to Rich, Lisa and Mom when she came to Disney
70. displays "look at me" behavior all the time, online as well
71. her emotions and actions were childlike and impulsive
72. intimacy issues, Daddy issues
73. in denial about things all the time
74. when she hurt me with Vincent, everything was none of my business, concern anymore
75. she had a different face for everyone - lack of identity
76. very low self esteem and worth - needs validation from men to feel good
77. used to brag about how men loved her, proposed to her, wanted to buy her a house, etc.
78. splitting - good or bad, no gray area
79. admitted to being a nutjob, nutball, unstable, has problems, feels she is entitled to having issues
80. changes her persona to make her mate happy
81. never enough attention for her, never satisfied - lived almost in a fantasy world
82. a user deep down - for her needs
83. she needed to be loved more than she loved
84. she ran away from me to avoid emotional pain, deleted us from her life
85. break up with me, then want me back to avoid being alone
86. when I got too close, she would push me away
87. she wanted a honeymoon phase to last forever
88. when we saw others, she had unprotected sex and lied about it
89. she gave me an std
90. she reveled in competition for her affections
91. she felt superior to everyone
92. she broke no contact with me a number of times, then pulls back

The Blame Game

Sure, Rain has problems.

She is a Borderline. She has histrionic and narcissistic traits. She has to be the center of attention. She craves attention to the point of flirting and attracting others. She uses people. Her emotions are always in flux. Up and down. She seeks perfection in someone else to make up for her own imperfect life. She wants someone to fill that Daddy role. Rain has a void inside her that can never be filled. She is that coffee cup that has cracks in the bottom. No one can fill that cup enough with love, compliments, compassion. It will always leak, her longing for more. She cannot feel valid, have self worth or much self esteem unless someone else is giving that to her. Unhappy with herself, not loving or even liking the person she is inside. At the end of the day, it's all about her. Selfish and self absorbed. Uses to get what she needs. Used me for years for sex, love, friendship, companionship, modeling, etc. Used her boss for sex, companionship, friendship, money, her landscaping, etc. Who knows where love lies there? She is so confused all the time, she probably does not know what real love is herself. And that goes for how she feels about me. She whored herself out to her boss in order to get things. We were done. On the break. A few days later, she starts to have big problems in her yard and sprinklers. Here comes her boss to save the day. It starts to get done and she involves herself in home decorating. She gives herself over and has her secret, late night visits. Then they go away for the weekend. I find out. I end things on my end. She is embarrassed, humiliated. People at her work find out, as well as the cheater's wife. Now, he's gone...for the time being. She got what she needed out of him. A user to the end. And what about infidelity? Did she cheat? Physically? Emotionally? I will never know. All I know is that she is a liar. She asked if I lost all respect for her. I said yes, yes I did. She will never be happy until she loves herself; is happy with herself. But, that is not my problem anymore.

Where is my blame?

I don't mean the things I did in the relationship. Sure, I was a good boyfriend. I was supportive, loving and faithful. But, I mean beyond that. Where is my blame? I have to accept part of this. I allowed myself to be treated this way. I allowed her to get away with her actions. I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not good for me in many ways. I thought I could fix her. Manipulate the relationship. Control it. Dominate it if necessary. Change her mind, her behavior. No. The only one I can change is myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way I knew was unacceptable to me.

The first months of the relationship:

1. I allowed myself to stay with a girl who was slutting around. She had various one night stands and was out of control. I broke it off but took her back.
2. I stayed with her, even though I felt used, self conscious, on the hook, on a waiting list wanting her attention, there for her at her call, etc.
3. I allowed myself to stay in competition for her with "Tony", really her boss, Vincent.
4. Even after she told me her feelings, I allowed myself to stay in this decision till XMas, a month later.
5. I took her back within a week of our first breakup, five weeks after we met. I allowed this behavior.

The next phase till the first big breakup

1. I allowed myself to feel emasculated and used when she flirted/cybered with some guy on myspace. On fucking Valentines Day even. She apologized and apologized and of course, I stayed.
2. I allowed myself to stay when I felt I knew the truth about Vincent/Tony. I believed her lies because I wanted to believe them.
3. I allowed myself to stay even when she had blow ups about any criticism that went her way. I knew she was volatile.
4. I stayed when she was back and forth about me that next year and months after her car accident.
5. I stayed after an incident with a photographer that to this day I will never know what really happened.

The getting back together to the end

1. I allowed myself to take her back, even though I knew she was bad for me. She broke up with me after three dates. Took her back. After five weeks. Took her back. A few day hiatus the next year. Took her back. Broke up with her, took her back. It goes on and on and on. The broken record keeps playing.
2. I stayed even though she broke her promise about the counselor. Who knows if she even went?
3. I stayed when she was in denial about her problems and refused help.
4. I stayed, knowing she was self medicating and mixing pills.
5. I stayed after I found out I was left out of the dinner at the restaurant (to supposedly keep her work and personal life separate). Tears and promises kept me hooked.
6. I stayed even though I never fully trusted her.
7. I stayed through all the times she would try and make me jealous.
8. I stayed through all of the pushing away she did. She was uncompromising about her house, her living space, her privacy. I stayed after I found the picture of her and Vincent in her underwear drawer.
9. I stayed through all of her mood swings, zombie like state on meds, etc.
10. I stayed even though I saw red flags over the years. I knew she had issues.
11. I was willing to stay during our break and we all know how that ended.

I accept my blame in staying in this relationship. I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. So, I need to work on those issues I have that made me stay with her. Why I believed her lies. Why I put all of my happiness in this r/s when it should have been inside of me the entire time.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

The saying is true. So true.

Ever since I told Rain, "It's okay, I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie," things have gone a little wacky in Rainland. Add onto that, I ignored her last email where she thanked me for the prints I dropped off (told her it was not necessary to thank me and contact me a week ago.....wow...I really said that a lot to her) and ignored the fact that she left me a comment on my new pin up (what does the words no contact mean to you sweetie).

Rain is displeased.

Since then, she has gone on the forums (knowing I was there) talking about how she and some of the other girls need to troll for men.

I just smiled and shook my head. I mean, come on. If she was truly at peace with her decision and happy with the direction of her life, would she really say something like this? I could not imagine doing that to her and she was the one who walked. Just immature. Something I think a high school girl would do to get attention from her ex bf. Is she trying to make me jealous? Mad? Maybe a little of "see what you don't get to have now?"

She went on....talking about how they should go to fairvilla, some halloween costume shops, etc. Things the two of us did exclusively. Just on and on and on like a broken record out to make a point. Get a reaction out of me.

It shocked me, but to be honest, really shouldn't surprise me. I remember her bragging years ago about being subtle, then flirty with me, etc. "I got you back didn't I?", she said with pride. How she prided herself on getting any guy she wanted. Well, sweetie, I am not any guy. I am ignoring your crazy ass. It's funny, she used to say about my ex-wife, "you can't hide the crazy forever."

How true that is Rain. How true.

It really makes it that much easier to move on and get away from her.

Strange Days

It certainly has been a strange week or so.

On my way to my Mom's for my birthday, I decided to stop by and drop off a dog gate at Rain's house. It is on the way and I figured, now or never. So, I drive up to her house. She walks out in her pajamas with her dog. Jesus. What are the odds? God has a sense of humor, doesn't he? I don't know what to do so I just smile and wave. She says, "what are you doing driving in front of my house?" I was offended, drove off but then came right back. I thought I had a couple of art prints as well but left them in the office. So, I come out and give her the gate, telling her I was hurt by her remarks and she apologized, saying she had just woken up and was shocked. Our conversation went something like this.

Me: What happened to us?
Her: I don't know.
Me: Did the meds have something to do with this?
Her: Yes, partly. We just weren't right.

I just nod. Okay.

I have Emily come out and say goodbye to her. She is hesitant, saying she didn't even brush her teeth. She just could not handle it. She could not face her. I wave Emily over and they hug. She tells Em she will miss her very much. Em goes back to the car.

Rain tells me she saw what I wrote on the website. I was saying how I needed an early birthday present. A hottie in a trench coat with lingerie underneath.

Her: Do you remember I did that for you years ago?
I nod.
Her: I was tempted. To come over. See you.
I am shocked. I make a joke.
Me: Well not sure when I am free for a last hurrah. Maybe Monday, Wednesday.
She smiles.
Me: I would have to punish you first for all this shit.
Her: Hmmm that wouldn't be a bad thing. No. We can't do this. It would be fun but we can't.
Me: I was joking. It would not be good for either of us.

She pauses, looks down and smiles devilishly.

Her: You know it's too bad. This is the best I've ever looked. And I look damn good in lingerie.

What a tease. Where did this come from? Was she serious or just needed attention from me? A reaction.

I smile and say, "I'm sure. Don't worry. I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie."

She smiles but I can tell she did not like my comment. We give a quick hug. I ask her if she is still going to get therapy. She says yes. I said good.

Good bye. I leave.

I drive off. Sad. Another part of closure. It's a process.

So, later in the week, I decide to get back on the model/photog forums. Rain is on there, acting outrageous. She is totally obsessed, beyond anything before, with talking about herself, shoes, what boots she wants, etc. The face she uses for that community is just worse than before. Times ten. Maybe more. Who is she trying to convince she's okay? Them or herself? Both? I ignore her. She comments about something I talk about (making jokes about booze). I leave.

Friday was weird.

A model on there is complaining about being alone, wanting a bf to snuggle.

I quote her and make a joke about not needing anyone.

Rain comes on below me. She writes:

"Screw snuggling. That's what I have a dog for. I just want to get laid."

Shocking. She goes on acting dirty, talking about how she needs a cold shower today. I ignore her and continue to make jokes, not acknowledging anything she says. Eventually she leaves and so do I.

She is just trying to get a reaction out of me. This is her way of contacting me without contacting me. Is she just mad and saying, look at what you are missing? Is she just teasing, hoping I would email her? She could refuse my offer or accept it. Either way she got a response. Or did she just need attention from me? It could be all of the above. They seems like games to me. Just a need from her to get my attention, my reaction.

She is really messed up. She does not see it. Others do. Just in denial.

I am "out of sight, out of mind" with her. When she sees me around, she acts out. She teases. She needs to have that attention from me because I turned away her advances. I told her not to contact me again many times. This is her survival skills. Detach from me. Move on. Forget. Don't ever look back. If she does, she has to come to terms with what she did, who she is. She is in constant struggle of who she really is. No identity. I know that on certain days though, I will creep back in. One day, she'll realize how she screwed this up. And she'll have regret. I don't know when I will hear from her again.

I want to meet someone pretty, sexy, erotic, nice and healthy. I know she's out there. I need to be ready when I meet her. Deal with my codependent issues. My issues of needing to be in control.

My addiction to Rain is subsiding. And I'm glad. Time heals all wounds.

Reflections

So many things have come to light. I remember her Mom happy that Rain finally brought a bf home (for the holidays, etc.). I was supposedly the first since her divorce. It was three to four years. Makes sense. This is a girl who cannot commit, pursues a fantasy-like, unobtainable man (her boss who is married). She only has to invest so much emotion, so much feeling and not take the chance of getting hurt much. No wonder they were on and off for years. She obviously needed more from time to time (with her needs and emotions in flux all the time) so she left, went back, left, went back. During these periods, she supposedly went from guy to guy. One night stands. Going to dress and impress at some bar or restaurant. Fooling around in the parking lot or taking the home. That's how it was with us. Met on the dating site. Fooled around in the parking lot of Bahama Breeze on the first date. I got far with her. She told me later she wanted to have sex with me the first night and I could have had her. I made her cum by rubbing through her pants. I may have fingered her as well. Second date was for lunch at Romano's. Third was at Samba Room. After our date, we fooled around heavy. She was mesmerized but scared of my dominant ways. She gave me a great blowjob while I put my finger in her ass. She wanted to go home with me. I declined because my crappy apartment was filled with boxes. I was moving into my townhouse. She saw this as rejection. She broke up with me the next morning. She could not handle being rejected. Within days, we talked and got back together. I took her home that night. She took me to Timpano to make it up for me. After, I took her home and we had incredible, kinky sex. She loved it. I loved it. A match made in heaven, or hell.

I see the sexual addictive type nature she had. I have it too. I see now that she had something deeper going on. Living in a fantasy world with her boss. She cannot be alone. She needs someone, somewhere. For attention. Even if for the night. Most of the time, that's how it is with her. She sees someone briefly, then breaks it off (or won't even go further than the one night). Filling that void she has. She has to feel valid. Feel loved, desired. Sexy. She needs the attention and affection. It's part of who she is. When we were together, I drained myself paying attention to her. Affection. It was just emotionally and physically draining. This is who she is. It is in her nature. She will go off, screw and use the boss when she needs to (someone to lean on...hmmm right) and anyone else to make her feel good. Meantime, I am healing. It will take more time but I am healing. She isn't. She most likely will not get long term help. She most likely will not be one hundred percent honest with a counselor or herself. She never has been. Why start now? She will retreat into her old patterns. After our break up (and her breakdown), she already has. She ran back to the chef. She had her fun like in the old days before I came along. And judging from her recent comments, she is on her way. Her unstable and wild, crazy nature is coming out in full force.

I just need to avoid her completely. I should not care who she is seeing, fucking, what she is doing. This is the life she chooses. I have no ties to her anymore. And to be honest, I already decided a month ago that I don't want her anymore after I found out she spread her legs for the chef. Like I did not know her anymore. I really don't. New personalities or sides to her will keep coming back. So, if I don't want her anymore, I need to make sure I don't care what she's doing. Just sad. Let her destroy herself. She will be unhappy and not have a steady, healthy relationship. She does not know what she wants. She never will unless she gets help. But it is not my concern anymore. I have to focus on me and my future. And any new women that await.

Truth

Well, life is full of surprises. Seems that Rain's psycho ex husband strikes again. She contacted me after No Contact. She tells me that Dick (that's his name) has been posing as me, sending personal and nasty emails to many people involved. Ugh. What a loser. I emailed Shorty's wife (who seems to have been separated from him for awhile), telling her that it was not me and I wish the best for her family. So, Rain wanted to verify it was not me. I was offended she thought I had something to do with this. I denied it and she agreed right away. I am not going to put myself and my own job in jeopardy.

So, we talk. Figured we were on the phone. I asked her, tell me the truth, was Tony Shorty? Her mystery man. She said yes. The truth felt good to hear. So, years ago she was choosing between me and him. I thought so. She says they had an on again, off again relationship for years back then. When she met me, she had to choose. She was comfortable and secure with him, but was in love with me. She chose me. He gave her back a bunch of stuff (that I even saw some of it by accident) and we were together. The frame I found under the bed made its way to the underwear drawer and then to the closet in a box in the last two years. She told me again she never cheated on me. Rain told me that Shorty even offered to cater her wedding to me if we got that far. She said she was not comfortable with that. She was not comfortable with the two of us ever meeting. She said she did not think she could handle it. She said that she did not love him anymore like in the past; only as a friend. I believe her. The truth was coming out of her finally. Maybe it is part of her healing process. She has been a mess lately. Weaning herself off of the medication she was on. She also told me that he had nothing to do with the breakup. She said there was no offer on the table and there was no future with him as far as she knew. I told her it was not my concern. Of course I cared but am not going to show it. She said that being with him after our breakup was comforting and familiar. She said it was a bad judgment call and was not with him currently. I am sure she's not considering his wife found out and is making life hell I'm sure.

She has a lot to take care of. She has this injunction with her ex. She admitted to me that she does need help and once things have settled, she is going to do that. I hope she does. I really do. I have let go much of the anger. She also told me that she still loves me, but believes the decision to break up was the right thing to do. I did not argue the point. She was very emotional during it all. I felt for her. I really did. Still time to move on but I wonder when she will pop back in my life. Part of me hopes she never will. But, part of me misses the old Rain. I guess a part of me hopes to see her one day. Who thought life would be this difficult?

Lies

Alright. I am doing okay. Writing has really helped. Only two people are ever going to read these blogs. I did it more for me anyway. I am not going to "out" her to the modeling community. I am not going to bad mouth her to her family or around town. It's done. With sadness and relief, it's done.

Yes, she ended it because she could not see the relationship going further. Pretty much my fault according to her in so many words. She lost feelings for me She lost a connection to me. She believed I would not give her a baby or want to remarry. She could not see us living together.

Of course not. It would destroy her reality. She has a sexual relationship with her married boss. Now, Rain claims it was only after we broke up (went on a break.....in her mind it was over though...see the justification....glad she let me in on it). She had this relationship with him in the past during her divorce and whenever she needed, in her own words, someone to lean on.

EVEN IF she never had anything with him while we were together, it still shatters her reality. The two worlds are never to meet. She was caught in her lies. She tried to deny everything. She tried to lie to cover up more lies. She tried to say she didn't want to talk about it, it was none of my business. But, after all these years, I finally got a partial confession out of her. She did it. Of course she does not want to admit it. She will not admit it to her best friend. Not to her mother. Not to anyone. Why? Because she is ashamed and deep down she knows she was wrong all these years. And that realization would make her a bad person in her mind. Hard to justify it all.

Now, with me not being the most stupid person in the world, I realize there is a good chance that she had something behind my back in the past five years. Maybe it was recent, prompting her decision. Maybe it was in the past. Maybe at a XMas work function I was not allowed to come to. Or a late night visit by him with champagne to cheer her up. Rain has such casual feelings about sex, it would not surprise me. I remember once she was caught cybering with some loser. We could see other people at that early stage in dating. She was even thinking of meeting him (he was out of state). I remember her response, "it's only sex. It would have been only sex." And here I thought I had liberal thoughts and views on sex.

It just makes me wonder, from Shorty's (the boss) point of view. Why give up your hot, available and attainable squeeze? Answer: he won't. She is there whenever he needs her. He certainly loves to cheat according to Rain. He does not want to go home to his wife of 30 years. What man would not want a hot piece of ass that is at his beckon call? He is not going to let up. She can say no only so long. And since they have a past that is rooted in her tragedies and him being a savior to her; someone to lean on, someone that is there for her, he has it made. He was probably doing this with her since she was about 25. Why would it stop now?

From her point of view: Why should she stop seeing Shorty? She can for awhile but what happened when all the lay offs at the hotel started up?  Especially if he was coming on to her and dropping hints. She is no dummy. One thing I can say about Rain, she is not stupid. She has to keep that job. She wants to get that raise. She wants that good review. She needs him to go up to the front office and stick up for her. He is going to call that sales manager and stick up for her. He makes sure she has those ten days off every XMas time! I mean, it's just sex. With someone she considers a friend. More like with someone she apparently loves or has loved. You don't put a picture of you and a man in a heart frame without feelings and hope being there.

And the sad thing, she could not admit it to me. She claimed she was not in love with him. Even after our five year relationship was over, she could not admit much to me. She could not bring herself to tell me the truth. Everything became "its none of your business," "i wont talk about this." Like suddenly it's MY fault I want to know and get some peace of mind. Of course she claims he had no part in our break up. I tend to think his offer to her was on the table. And even if there was no offer, she is not the type to break up with anyone and not have a backup for attention and affection. It's what she feeds off of. She cannot be totally alone. And she won't be. The proof was in the pictures I was sent. Two weeks into our break, she went away with him and fucked him. She had a hard time admitting to me that they went away for three days to a posh place, took a romantic carriage ride, had an expensive dinner and there was no sex at night. LOL. Like I don't KNOW HER. Oh my God. That was the best. Especially when she admitted to me there was a thing in the past. And her ex husband said in his email that he was over there at night paying some visits. Damnnnnnnn.

The sad thing about Rain is the pathological lying. Even with a picture she tried to lie. Even when the pictures were found years ago, she lied. Even when I told her there was no going back now she lied. It was not until she was brought to her lowest point of sadness and guilt that she admitted to some of it. I feel bad for the next guy. And the guy after that. She lies and lies. This is the life she chose. How sad and pathetic for someone who I placed so high and thought so beautiful. She turned out to be quite ugly on the inside.

What she called "bad judgment", I call many years of making destructive choices and lying to people who truly love you.

Conspiracy Theory - epilogue

Well, even if Rain did not cheat on me with Shorty or anyone else.

Even if Shorty is not the mysterious Tony (which I am positive he is).

It does not change the fact that:

1. she lied to me all these years
2. decided to go off on a weekend and fuck him while we were on a break (yep, not broken up but on a break)
3. seems she can easily be bought, sexually as well, with money, gifts, trips, etc.
4. is always confused about her life, her feelings, her emotions, her goals, her men
5. will probably never be truly happy, even if she convinces herself otherwise
6. is probably a pathological liar, necessary when it suits her needs and survival
7. uses men for whatever she needs and gives sex in return

If she cheated on her first true love, "Mike," then what is to say she never cheated on her other love (unless she lied about that too), Me? Her D. Who always took care of her. Who always made her feel special and beautiful and desired. Who paid attention to her. Who made her feel safe and secure. Who would have, foolishly, given her a home and family. Who made her laugh, cheered her up, encouraged everything she ever wanted to do in life and made her sexual fantasies come alive. I was her best friend for 5 years. She hardly had any real friends she spent time with. One of them lives out of state and lives the life Rain secretly wants. Another left town without saying bye years ago. A couple of model friends she is not really close with. A former gf of hers at work she labeled "easy" and a "whore." Ironic. She left the picture too. I was the confidant, the buddy, the lover, the artist, the hero all rolled up in one. Lucky me.

She turned out not to be the person I thought she was. And it makes me sad. I made her the center of my art and part of my world. I trusted her with my hopes, thoughts, fears and dreams. Who was she?

The relationship I cherished and loved ended in lies, apathy and betrayal. I don't know if she'll ever get help. I told her I think she has something deeper than depression. I said she has a personality disorder and she needs help. Not just pills, which she loves, but therapy. Work on herself. Not distract herself by working on her house and going on sex escapades with her married boss. It may make her feel better short term, but will only make things worse long term.

I hope she gets help. I hope she gets better. I do. Not for who she turned out to be, but for the woman I once loved and cherished. If she ever truly existed.

But, instead of asking me back, like she has done so many times in the past, I hope she listens to me when I told her never, ever to contact me again.

Time to move on. 

Conspiracy Theory part 2

Okay. A lot to digest and take in. Still with me? 

Shorty is Tony. There is no Tony; at least not in the sense of his importance in her life.

1. both have similar looks according to Rain (I found this out when I came across a picture on her computer and she lied about it. Then I saw Shorty's picture in his office when Rain took me there).
2. Tony is Italian, Shorty is half Italian
3. both are involved in real estate ventures
4. both have a lot of money
5. both have adult or near adult daughters
6. both enjoy golf
7. both have taken Rain away to beach type resorts
8. there was no picture of Tony anyplace. Just pictures of Shorty.
9. under her bed were pictures of her and Shorty: a couple of years ago I wanted to pick out some cute panties for her to put on for me when she got out of the shower: in that underwear drawer, underneath where she kept a picture of us on the dresser, was that small picture frame of her and Shorty.
10. both bought her jewelry (I believe Shorty did)
11. both were older. Shorty is 21 years older than Rain. Tony was supposed to be about 14 years older.
12. when she was drinking early on in our relationship, she mentioned how she loved aspects of him, aspects of me and wished she could combine us.
13. she talked about one day if Shorty can set her up someplace, she could run some business for him, stay home, etc. She talked about Tony offering her marriage, a house, etc. so she could stay home, supposedly give her salary for doing nothing if she would choose him.
14. she could never offer a last name for Tony or any specifics.
15. she mentioned how her boss was thinking of leaving his wife one day but could not do it. perhaps he was waiting for his daughters to marry, finish college? or is this the bull story he told Rain? All these "other women" think they're special. They're different to the married man. But, over 90% of them never leave their wives. Hmmmm. If this is true, then Rain is a complete moron. And a weak person.
16. if Tony was such an important person in her life, then why never introduce him to her mother? maybe she already did. In Shorty.
17. she never wanted me to meet Shorty or be at her work.
18. i was never able to come to any Caribe functions or parties. there was always some kind of weird excuse or something. Never shall her two worlds meet.
19. both liked to come over for visits to her house at night
20. both had a residence in Winter Park

Her lies ran so deep.

So, if Shorty was the other guy in our lives when we first started dating (read previous posts), then she was having more than just an fling with her married boss. This was something much more. Think about it. How many women put a picture of herself and a man in a heart frame and keep it all these years if she did not love the man? And with him always around, there is no way for her to get over that. At least not fully. So, lets say she told the truth for once and ended it with him, chose me. The only real proof I have is that the guy gave her back an envelope of dirty pics of them. It was on her kitchen counter. I gave her a similar envelope the month before of us (pictures of us at disney, etc.). I even asked her, hey are these our pics? She said yeah. I saw them and my mouth hit the floor. They were older pictures. She looked heavier, different hairstyle than when I knew her. She freaked and got rid of them. He apparently gave them back.

I remember something she told me about "Tony." After he would come over for sex, he would have to leave. No sleeping over usually (gee I wonder why). And she had underwear and some Hanes cotton tee shirts in a drawer for him. Stupid me for trying to put something away for her. Same size it looks like as her boss. Mediums. So, back to this story. He would fuck her and sometimes leave money for her on the nightstand so she can buy herself something nice, etc. Rain said it made her feel like a whore. But she took the money, didn't she? Maybe that was secretly exciting to her. Then I remembered how her boss used to take out money and give it to her if she was crying or upset. Like, here stop crying. Hmmmm. I wonder, when she complains so much about bills and money, where the extra comes from sometimes. Poor Rain felt like a whore. Well, you act like one. Hellloooooo?

So, okay, maybe that makes me feel a bit better. But, how long did that last? I mean, they worked together five days a week? That is just weird. Sick. He always gave her a hard time about taking off from work (well, duh, why give her a vacation so she can go away with some guy) except at XMas time for her family. We broke up in 2007. Did he have something to do with it? Did it sour and that is why she wanted me back five weeks later? Maybe he did not think it was "the right time" to leave his wife. She mentioned how he wanted to leave her many times but never could due to many circumstances. She was not an invited guest to his daughter's weddings. She watched the kids and made money. How did she feel seeing his wife there? How does she feel now, if her ex's email was true, that his wife knows about them? Does she not have any shame? Hate to say it, but not many women are going to throw away a relationship without a parachute. Especially not someone with a personality disorder who has to have attention and affection. She has to run away from me. From modeling; things associated with me and this "other life." Does she have a split personality? Dual personas? Multiples? What are the chances they had nothing at all for the last five years (except when we were apart a few years ago) and now, all of a sudden, we go on a break and she runs off with him for the weekend? It tells me something had been one of the possibilities:

1. going on the whole time
2. went on in the past, it stopped, then started up again sometime this year or lately
3. happening on and off during our relationship (if you can call it that)
4. he is someone she runs to whenever she is depressed, single, etc. ("he is someone I can always lean on."). Yeah I bet she leaned on him. And I am sure he leaned on her.

My only consolation is the fact that she used to complain that "Tony" was boring most of the time, just wanted to watch tv after fooling around, had a hard time getting it up after he found out I was banging her back then and had a weird sexual quirk I find disgusting, strange and hilarious all at once. I guess my sexual superiority is my only consolation I have though.

I remember she gave me genital warts before we broke up in 2007. I had been with no one else for a year and a half. Just her. I remember we were together, broke up months later and I got them. After we reconciled, I confronted her about it. She apologized, blaming something medical that happened years ago and it flares up at times. And she blamed her ex husband at one point. Because HE was a CHEATER! Umm, what does that make you, honey? Now, it has me thinking. Was this from some scumbag in a bar? Was it from Shorty, who has his own history of fucking everyone except his wife? Good chance. Nice. I'll always remember Rain. She gave me the gift that keeps on giving.

Even if this whole theory is not true, parts of it are. I saw the pictures. She admitted some of it to me. I find it interesting how she could not admit to more. It's like her psyche won't let her. Her mind can't wrap around it. She won't admit it, maybe to herself. Why? Well, in her case, it makes her a bad person. People with personality disorders are known splitters. Black or white; good or bad. She feels inside she is a bad person. It is probably one of the reasons she does not like herself. There's a good chance she cheated on me with him at some point. I just have to accept that and move on. She's a whore. And I do not say that in anger. She's a bought and paid for whore. She acts so pious when it comes to cheating in relationships and she does it herself. And if it's true that she never cheated on me, she is still "the other woman" in his relationship. I am starting to doubt it, though. What would make her stop cheating with him? Me? Our relationship? What is going to stop HIM from pursuing her? Her saying no? Her job is everything to her. Plus, I would never find out, so who's it hurting? His wife won't ever find out so who's it hurting? Wait. Umm. We found out. Unbelievable. The word shocked comes to mind again.

I loved her. I really did.

I have to admit, knowing this information and seeing what she is like makes it easier for me to forget her and move on. She is troubled. Fucked in the head. This is the life she wants to live? Ooookaaay. Enjoy. A bpd or hpd forever. No real remorse for her actions. No true empathy for me for what she's done. Everything is justified in her head. Everything is done for a reason. I told her she needed help. She just nodded, tears in her eyes. Like a child who had been caught doing something and scolded by the parent. 


Unfuckingbelievable.

That's a great word by the way.

Conspiracy Theory

Alright. I have been through the ringer this last week. Or three weeks. I deserve to have my conspiracy theory moment LOL!

With the help from psycho ex husband of Rain, the two of them (Rain and her boss Shorty...although Liz, one of the only people who will ever read these blogs calls him Troll boy) look at real estate together. Now, I asked Rain. I had to. She laughed saying they look at that stuff together over the years since she is his assistant. But the email from the broker said she was looking to move for professional and business reasons. Now, here comes the conspiracy......cue the music....

He has an offer to her. It may be the same offer on the table years ago if he was the mysterious suitor (this is like Days of our Lives. I expect Bo and Hope to come through the door any minute telling me about Roman and Marlena). He says to her, get rid of teacher photographer guy (that's me. I have Brendan Frasier playing me), he ain't never gonna marry you. Its been five years. I can give you the baby. Set you up in a place in St. Pete. Just like you always wanted. I will pay you a salary to run some kind of business venture of mine. You can enjoy your life, raise baby, etc. Just as long as my wifey don't find out. We is cheating after all baby!

He did not like us going on cruise. Making his move! She thinks each day about it. She is off her depression meds for four days. Emotions running high. Future scary. Stupid bf (thats me) making jokes about baby to her (geez I didn't know she was serious...she changes her friggin mind often). Each day I called her, she sounded worse. For real. Just alone. Depressed. Almost manic. I saw the flags but respected her space when she asked. Finally, boom, the break up at the end of the week. Coming from the same Rain who was telling me a week before she loves me and what she loves about us. From the emails the entire month before that were a mix of love, support, future plans and dirty talk (initiated by her). Or maybe it's not the same Rain. Push comes to shove, money wins I guess.

Or she's just getting some action from her old man until she finds who she believes to be Mr. Right. Uh oh, she is going to have to lie to him too though. About her relationship and past with her boss. Ooohh ugly situation. Seems to have been a focal point of mistrust in her marriage. Her relationship with me. Etc. Doesn't she ever learn?

Well good luck to her with that.

Like I said, its a conspiracy theory started by her ex and just compounded by me due to her lies. Eh, whatever. I am going to get me some Hope Brady and put her in my pin ups LOL.

Look for the girl with the broken smile

So, what happened? What did I learn? What was wrong with her? She told me many times she was nuts or had issues. And I stayed. To save her.


After speaking with a couple of professionals, they both agreed that she has a personality disorder. Something that can be remedied with therapy and medicine.


How did she get this? They claim any early sexual trauma, death of a parent, being in an unfaithful relationship, etc. can all contribute to this. I did a lot of reading on it myself.


Emotionally, Rain is just stuck. She may be a 34 year old woman, functioning, smart, funny, clever, etc. but EMOTIONALLY she is a kid still. She is that poor 13 year old girl who learned a hard lesson and had a crappy hand dealt to her. It does not help when she had even more crap hurled at her by men. How can she have a mature, adult, lasting relationship? The answer is, she cannot. She never healed from the old wounds. Not from 13, not from 16, not from 25. She is stuck in time. I saw this in her. Not to the extent of believing she had a personality disorder, but to the extent that she needed help. I tried but she did not listen. Maybe I should have tried harder? Uh oh, hero complex. See, I need to be needed. I need to be the hero. Nope. This was her job to do for years. Not keep it all bottled up. Not letting it fester and control her. And the sad thing, she does not want to be alone. No way. She cannot deal with being along for long periods. Why? She does not love herself. She needs her boss who is available and ready. She needs a guy at the bar. A co-worker. An old flame. Someone to make her feel loved; to make her feel desirable. If not, her depression will get worse. Sad thing, it will get worse than before in between moments of passion. This is the girl I knew all these years? It makes me sad. Sad for her. Sad for us. 


Everything is black or white with a person suffering from this. She sees people as good or bad. There is no in between. If a photographer went off, acted like an ass, etc. he was bad. Forever. There was so much anger. If so and so did this, they were bad. Well, she justifies in her mind "we were broken up when I slept with him (even if it was a break)." Or "you didn't need to know about him because it was in the past (even though she was working for this person every day as his asst.)." "It's okay that I did this because I was depressed." "I should be allowed to act or feel this way because of the crap I've been through." Everything is black or white. There is no wiggle room or middle ground. Soon, I will be labeled bad by her so she can justify the break up. Or her decision right now is "the right thing to do." It has to be that way in her head for her to accept this decision. 


Borderline personality disorder perhaps. Or, Histrionic personality disorder.


She displays many traits of a borderline. And of a histrionic. They will:


1. be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention 
2. dress too sexy, exhibit overly flirty, sexual behavior for attention and affection
3. shift emotions rapidly, sometimes every few hours
4. after a break up, find a new mate that is inappropriate age wise, unattainable, possibly a superior at work or someone in an unhappy marriage
5. act very dramatic like in front of an audience, but not sincere 
6. be overly concerned with physical appearance, not liking the inside
7. be excessively overly sensitive to criticism 
8. constantly seeks approval
9. low tolerance for frustration, bored by routine, skips from one project to another
10. not thinking before acting
11. makes rash decisions
12. self - centered
13. have difficulty maintaining relationships
14. threaten or attempt suicide, hurting themselves, cutting, etc. to get attention
15. prefers physical pain to hide the emotional

A borderline will have different personas to fit each mate they have or situation. She has a persona with me: the supportive gf, damsel in distress, sex kitten, perfect model and collaborator. At work she is the dragon lady and in control. With her mother, she is strong, confident, sassy. With her modeling friends she is all of these things combined. Very confident, strong, sexy, sassy. 

A borderline also has confusion about their feelings, emotions, who they are, etc. 

Alienating and distancing behaviors: the need to be with someone but when it gets too close, they run and become alienated. 

Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground." 

BPDs will go between strong dependancy to complete withdrawal in relationships. Moods and emotions can shift every few hours, not just each day or week.

To be honest, I am not sure what is wrong with Rain. I do believe she has some kind of personality disorder. I think, deep down, she realizes she needs help. She refuses to get it though. Even the last time I saw her and brought this up, her response was "with all the shit I've had in my life, don't I deserve to be fucked up?" My response was, "Yes you do babe, but you also have the right to get better." 

All I know is that I am glad I am away from her. I do love her still. That is not going to vanish. She said she still loves me. But, I know she has problems and will only do this all over again. I can never trust her again. Not just with her boss, but with anyone at this point. I will miss her. I will miss the times we spent together, her sense of humor, the things we did together, the sex of course and all the fun we had. Our five years together was great, on the whole. We had some bad moments as you can read in these posts. But, I will miss her. Or will I miss who I was when we were together. People used to classify us as a team, like Batman and Robin. And we did make a great team on many fronts. If she would have gotten help for herself sooner, maybe things could have went differently. I can't say "if I did more, if I was a better boyfriend, if I had more money, if I pushed her more to get help, if I was thinner," etc. etc. It's the hero complex I have talking. I did all I could. She knows that deep down. Before she changes me in her mind into some scum like all of her other ex boyfriends and her ex husband, I hope she realizes that and hangs on to some good memories. I hope she gets help because I think deep down she is a good person who makes stupid choices. 

Thats all for now. I need to put on my cape and boots for my daughter right now. 


And I need to be Super for myself. 

Fallout part 2

I just wanted it over. I wanted to give her back her things. Two days later, we met at an old haunt. I wanted to talk. Surprisingly, I did not yell. I did not call names. I didn't hate her. I think I felt sorry for her more than anything. I was disappointed, betrayed. I lost all respect for her and let her know. She admitted she lost respect for herself. I asked her, do you like yourself or do you still hate what's inside when you look in the mirror? She said she still does not like herself on the inside. And picks out every flaw on the outside while professing to everyone how hot or attractive she is.

She refused to answer hardly any questions I had about Shorty. She could not answer when I asked her why she lied so much. I told her the cover story I was going to tell my daughter and please pick up when she calls this weekend to say good-bye. She called Rain at 4pm yesterday and left a voicemail. It is now 1pm the next day and nothing so far. I texted Rain to please have her call my daughter. I hope she does. My daughter is just a casualty and innocent bystander in all this.

Rain seemed sad and surprised when I gave her back almost everything she ever gave me. Shirts, necklaces, things for my house, etc. She also asked about my artwork and if I would be replacing her image. I said, yes in some of them. She was offended, but while searching for this new life of hers, she also quit modeling for awhile.

What kind of life is she looking for? One that is based on secrecy, sneaking around, shame, guilt and lies? Sure she can have more material things, maybe even get that baby (and get it paid for) while she's at it. Everything that used to matter to the Rain I knew was unimportant in her eyes. She was broken and I told her so. She agreed with the assessment. I told her it was not my job to fix her anymore. That I could not help her anymore. And that she hurt me bad. Someone who loved her, took care of her, put her needs first, made her feel safe and secure, gave her a feeling of belonging in my family, threw me away like I was yesterday's trash. She can justify it to herself and others by saying it was just time. That it was not going to go further. Maybe so. But I am sure she is not telling the rest of the story. Well, I am not out to do it for her. Let her keep her friends in the modeling world. I only confided in a few people so her secrets and shame are safe. It is healthier for me to just move on. One day, I will forgive her for her lies and deceit. For her bad judgment, as she puts it, for sleeping with her boss. I am not sure she has any true remorse in relationships. She has been damaged in her life so much I am not sure she has true empathy.

Time to focus on me.

Fallout

She cried. I was shocked. She was hugging me. I suggested maybe we should take a break instead. Give her a month to think about things. Find herself as she put it. I am a no contact type of person. I give her the space she needs. It gave me time to think as well. Was this worth it? Do I want someone who goes through these cycles of questioning their feelings? Not sure what they want in life? Not sure I can ever truly trust her?

Enter, again, her psycho ex husband. He contacts me (and supposedly Shorty's wife according to his emails) with pictures of Rain and her boss together. They went on a weekend together to a very expensive resort. This was no business trip. The one picture was the two of them on a romantic carriage ride, her hand on his thigh, his arm around her. She looked stunning as always, wearing some new necklace he bought her possibly and having fun on his boat. 


Damn. 
Damn her. 
Damn him. 


Damn me for ignoring all the signs. 


So, we are on a break. She is supposed to be using this time to think. Instead she goes off and fucks her boss. And I am sure this did not happen overnight. She probably had sex with him that week according to her ex husband. Late night visits at her house.

How long has this been going on? When she had doubts? Just recently? The whole time? 


I confronted her on the phone at first. She lied. Then lied again. Same old Rain. Finally I told her that she does not have to lie anymore. It was over. I would never take her back after this anyway like the past few times. She admitted it. Partly, not saying much. Then she admitted that this started many years before me. He is always there for her. Awww, how sweet. What a great guy. 

The End is Near

2010. How I will remember you.

Her depression hit like a hurricane. Around February, she got on new depression meds, minus the therapy. I don't know how she expects to get better without working on herself and getting all that gunk out of her.

Well, lets just both sweep it under the rug. We'll do more pictures! We play poker now! Lets go here, lets do that! I just finished my Masters degree. Lets celebrate! 


Our sex life took a nose dive. Like in the past, the medications killed her libido. I was patient. I knew the danger. She associates feelings and connections to someone through sex. We drifted apart. In June, she switched to the new generic of the drug. She started to feel different in many ways on the generic. She started to get back some feeling sexually but could not orgasm. I decided to take it upon myself to make it happen for her. And with a lot of hard work, I did. We started to play and have some fun again. Then I took us on a cruise. She was a different person. The old Rain I used to know. We had fun. She tells me what she loves about us. She tells me she loves me. I thought things were starting to get on track.

I started to think about taking that next step. For real. Right after the cruise. Rent out my place. Move in, get engaged. Start planning a wedding. Lets have that baby. I love kids. This will be the adventure of our lives we can tell the grandkids about. Sounds corny, but its true. I doubt she is going to have that with anyone. Or at least have it last. Sadly. My instincts have been wrong in the past, but I am certain about that one. Damn. 

She was having doubts in the last two months or so. Was it the med change? Was it more? Was the broken record playing again? Now, did she tell me about this? Did we talk? No. Back to the same old story. She never talks about emotions or feelings. She only acts them out or acts on them.

She went to work, started to become stressed, was without her meds for four days, questioned everything in her life that was falling apart, and boom, go back to the first post of this blog. Hit and run.

Looking for the good times baby

2007-2009

I really see our relationship split in two parts. The first part, 2005-07 was hot, passionate, exciting, dangerous, dramatic, unstable, confusing and sometimes hellish. There were issues of trust,  possible cheating (that I think now happened), me snooping around from it, jealousy on both our parts, parties, her car accident, surgery and our big break up. I walked away when she broke it off and never bothered her. Not once. She came to me after five weeks. Recently she said it was because she didn't want to be alone. I asked her, that's it? You lied to me? She said, well I loved you too. Wow. Classic personality disorder. I took her back like an idiot. But, after that our relationship seemed renewed. Stronger. More stable. There were no more jealousies. Only a few speed bumps of trust issues spurred by her ex husband mainly.

The part 2 to us was pretty damn good. My favorite of the two parts. More secure. Safer. I felt I could trust her totally the last three years. I don't know if that makes me a fool.

Good times, good times. Her modeling has taken off. My photography getting better all the time. I start doing pin up and art. She as my model, of course. I don't have much desire to work with other models. She has become my ideal. It's become a second honeymoon for us. We spend almost every weekend together. Even when I have my daughter and act more like a casual family than just dating. My daughter looks up to her. She loves her.

Rain and I are unstoppable. Others in the model community love us, calling us the perfect couple. The art just keeps getting better. The sex is damn good. Her injuries slowly begin to get better so long after the accident. Her consumption of pills bothers me and she only went to counseling for a few months. Things were going so well I didn't push it. We put off talks of taking the next step and just focused on fun. I blame myself for that as much as her. Anything serious was disguised as a joke by both of us. I did not realize when she was serious and she probably didn't see me dropping hints. Why mess up a good thing we always said?

Depression reared its ugly head here and there but nothing she couldn't handle, so she said. We were busy, having fun. I had an art opening in 09 and she started a jewelry line (ironic how I was days away from finishing a website I was building for her jewelry when we broke up or took a break or whatever you call it...it kicked ass). Of course, we were totally supportive of each other.

Things I will always remember:

our photography shoots
picking out pictures and being silly
going to places like Lil Anthony's, Mimi's Cafe, California Pizza Kitchen, Millenia, Ale House, Bahama Breeze, Hooters, Chilis, Carabbas and Backstage Billiards (the focal point of our relationship for some odd reason lol)
her coming to Emily's games sometimes
the three of us doing family stuff
spending almost every weekend together for the last two years or so
spending time with her and my family
Christmas with our families, John's Pass
the cruise
our weekend in Miami
watching Yankees and Mets games together, being playful about the rivalry
going to baseball games
the art opening
even some of the meet and greets that i was never big on but saw her shine there
our Halloween fun and parties every year
the parties we went to before her accident
the things I would introduce her to
our sex and adventures
our trips to "home depot"
playing poker together

The holidays were approaching and I started to sense her depression coming on strong. We thought 2010 would be a great year. It was the end.

Baggage - Relationships

Time to take a break from the story to talk about baggage. Consider this an intermission. 

Baggage. We all have it. And I have my amount as well. This is not just a forum to tell my story and criticize Rain and her problems. What have I learned from this story as well?

I, like Rain, come from a dysfunctional family. My father was very abusive. My mother, cold, critical and calculating at times. Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Both our father's died and we both are filled with a range of mixed emotions and guilt concerning our fathers. Her Mom is great. I love her. She is Rain's biggest fan and acts as an enabler most of the time. She knows Rain has issues and has asked me about them over the years. Out of respect for Rain, I clam up. She refused to tell her mother anything. Her mother is in the dark about a lot in Rain's past. She was tragically raped at 13. She had an abusive boyfriend who beat her up. An ex husband who put her down, cheated on her and stalked her for years. Now it's evident, a secret affair with her boss. The woman who was cheated on and considers cheating the lowest of the low in a relationship, is the other woman now. It empowers her. The cheated on is now the cheater. The guilty party. And there is a good chance it happened throughout our relationship. This man is always in a position of power. He can make her day a joy or nightmare. With a whim, she will be one of the employees fired or laid off. Her raise is dependent on his word. Anytime she wants to move onto another position of power there, she never does. After all, he tells her she is irreplaceable. And why leave a position when you can get what you need through a little flirting or more? He is the ultimate parachute in her life. Things are not going well? Depressed? Sad? Alone? He is there for her. Did she always lie? Is she a pathological liar? I don't get it.

I am not perfect. Far from it. I have trust issues. I have intimacy issues. I don't like to be abandoned. My self esteem has been in the toilet before. I am overweight and don't make a ton of money. My artistic endeavors have been only moderately successful. I like to be in control. I like to be dominant in certain areas of my life and always want to be in control. These were things she said she loved about me but the line can be blurred sometimes and I don't know if I go too far. Too possessive or is it just my insecurities?

I slept with a few married women in my life. She threw this is my face multiple times when I confronted her with the proof recently. I admitted it. I was wrong. I did it a few times and then stopped. No contact. She, on the other hand, has has this destructive and morally empty secret going on for years. Maybe while we were together. Maybe not. But, I could never trust her so why does it matter? Back to me. My ex wife was a nut. Still is. Did I trade one for the other? I could not trust. I snooped years ago when I had suspicions. She was so secretive about everything. How could she have anyone live with her? But, Rain had so many good points. She was beautiful. She was about 150lbs. or more when we met. Her weight went up and down over the years. She is probably around 115 now. I thought she was sexy no matter what weight. I took pictures of her and made her the centerpiece of my artwork that I was experimenting in. She was fun to be around. The center of attention, like myself. We played off of each other very well. Our sex was exciting and she was responsive to all my ideas. She even had some of her own. I could help her. I could fix her. She came to me when I needed someone to make me feel good. Valid. Handsome. Needed. Wanted. A hero. Strong. Talented. Smart. Wonderful. 

I know she has issues. She has admitted it to me many times. She told me to run away from her one night after drinking a few months into our relationship. She calls herself names like a nut, nutjob, nutball, etc. when she is upset. But, with my cape and boots, I can help her. I can save her. I can make her happy. I know I can! I can fix everything! I'm Superman!

I'm a fool.

No one can save her but herself.

She won't. She will stay at that job or depend on Shorty forever. She will continue the affair even though she's been exposed. She will make new lies to cover up the affair and past. She will even vilify anyone who gets in her way, including me. Her Superman. Her D. I have to be disposable for her psyche to survive. So her low self esteem and self worth does not plummet more. I am just collateral damage now. I am the enemy. The person who loved and supported her is now gone. Does it matter that I was probably the only normal long term boyfriend she has ever had? Well, except for Shorty. I am sure she has feelings for him after all these years. Maybe she loves him. She denied it to me when I asked her the other day if she was in love with him. She said no.  It does not matter. If she believes this is the future for her, then let her enjoy it. She will be alone, never being truly loved. Never knowing what true love is. How is she going to meet someone new that is special to her when all she has is lies?

My damsel in distress needs a new hero. Her life has tumbled down. She is tired of running from everything in her head. It's all become too much. Superman flew away and has to find a new Lois. She came to me with all of her problems, back pain, neck pain, migraines, stress, stomach issues, etc. I was more than happy to help. It's what I need to do. White Knight Syndrome. She claimed she was fine, she can take care of herself. It's okay. But knew I was there when she needed me. Whoosh!

Modeling and Mayhem

The modeling took off for her in a small way. The photography did the same for me. We took pictures, we had fun, we joined a modeling/photography community and met a whole bunch of people, etc.  We found something new we were connected to and enjoyed. We made great pictures together and she seemed to love me more and more. It was 2007. Previously, around the holidays (in 06), we almost broke up. She was confused about her feelings for me. She was not sure if she had a connection to me. She was scared. After our talk, and her crying, we stayed together. The shifting nature of her emotions were usually around the same time periods. November to December around the holidays. And Summer, specifically August.

August 2007:

We broke up again with the same exact words after her surgery. I felt bad for her and wanted to be there to support her. She was on a host of pain medications and was depressed. We did not have sex for 6 months and it cut a connection to me for her. I said fine and left. Done. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster. I drove away and did not look back.

Five weeks later, she sends me gifts for my birthday. She sends a card, explaining her feelings. I thank her in a short email. She keeps emailing me and I am strong. I ask her why she keeps emailing me. She asks if I can call her this week. I decline saying we have nothing left to talk about. She pleads so I agree. Fool that I am. I call her and she wants to talk in person. I decline at first but she always knew she had a way of getting to me. I still loved her. So I agree. Did I mention the word fool?

She told me she loved me. She wanted me. She would do anything. I agreed. I had conditions. She had to start seeing a therapist for this crap. She had to promise me she was going to talk about her feelings and emotions first and not just end things. She agreed. Believe it or not, you would think this story gets worse. It actually doesn't. The following three years were much better and less dramatic then our first two. Maybe she was the one. Was I going to really spend my life with her? What kept stopping me over the years? People said I need to marry her. We should move in. But I never went that route. Why? Did I always realize this was never going to happen? That there was something off about her? She sensed it too. We were very in tune to each other. 

Sex, lies and photographs

Around this time, she has me on her computer doing something for her. I was probably downloading pictures, creating folders, etc. I saw an old pic of her from before we met labeled Rain Birthday. I open it and she is at some fancy hotel with a short, ethnic guy. He looked Italian or Hispanic. She closed the picture quickly, always something to hide. It looked like her boss. We'll call him "Shorty." I said, this looks like the same guy in the picture frame. One morning after sex, something dropped behind her bed. I went down looking for it and found a small heart shaped picture frame and a photo album of her and Shorty. I was like, huh? Your boss? You had a thing with your boss?

She flatly denies it. Even criticizing his looks and stature to me. He is 20 years older than her. Into real estate as well and has millions. She says he was always there for her as a friend and father figure only. He was there for her during her divorce. He was there for her when her father died. He took her out, wined and dined her but only as a friend. I told her it was okay to tell me the truth. She said they had to go away a few times on business trips, etc. He was only in that frame because he was the only person there for her after her divorce. More lies. Turns out, this relationship was more than that. I only found that out a week ago. They were having sex, of course. I do not know how deep it ran. Maybe she was in love with this guy. Maybe HE is Tony. Whoa. Shorty is Tony? Lets see. Both ethnic, like myself. I'm Italian. Both have grown daughters. Both involved in real estate. Both well off. And for some reason, both unattainable. You see, Shorty is married.

She turns it on me. I am acting like her crazy ex husband. I don't trust her. Etc. Etc. I guess I'll never know the full truth. Maybe they were the same person. Maybe Shorty wanted to set a place up for her and give her a baby, more money, whatever she wanted. She always talked about her boss one day setting herself up somewhere near the water to run one of his businesses and how that would be great if it happened. Maybe there really was a Tony as well. Supposedly a friend of the boss. Hmm. Not sure if I had a piece of ass on the side if I would want my friend intruding on that. I guess it doesn't matter. The proof is there. She lied. She lied to cover more lies. She lied to cover her shame and embarrassment. Maybe her guilt.

I was never invited to a company XMas party. Apparently it was for the managers and kitchen staff only. No guests. I was upset but smoothed over with more stories. Maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn't. I was skipped over from a secret fancy dinner there with her Mom, her mother's bf and her mother's work friend who was in town for a conference. I was skipped for a work friend of her mother's? The excuse of course: she likes to keep her personal life separate from her work because of her crazy ex and the problems he caused. I bought it all. Hook, line and sinker eventually. Why not? I mean the sex was great, she pumped me up like I was God's gift to women She would give me an incredible night of sex, tell me how much she loves me. Promised I would be at the next function. Ha. Never happened. She thought I was stupid, and you know what, she was right. For awhile. Why did I stay? I knew something was amiss. I knew she was a liar. I thought I could help her. She would go on medications for her depression and then off again. By the end of the year, she was in a bad car accident. Hurt her neck bad. No way the hero could think of leaving now. I had to stay and help. After all, I loved her. I was going to be there for her no matter what. What a fool I was....