I want to compile a list for myself - easy reference when I need it.
1. we met on an adult dating site
2. she stayed on the adult dating site even when things were going good for us
3. she insisted on seeing other people and slutted around too much
4. she went overboard with flirting online
5. she went overboard with one night stands and justified it all
6. she warned me to "run away" from her, that she was not good for me
7. even after she fell in love with me, she still was undecided between me and Vincent
8. she was willing to forgo a normal, budding, exciting relationship for one that was a part time r/s where she was the other woman, was spoiled, made to feel like a prostitute at times
9. she once said she felt like hurting herself after I broke up with her
10. she used to drink to excess, once to a point that a photographer groped her, performed oral on her
11. she was willing to keep that shame secret so I could learn photography
12. she was all too willing to try anything sexually
13. she wanted to have sex with me on the first date
14. when I did not want her to see my old apartment and refused sex, she took that as rejection of her and broke things off with me
15. she detaches from her feelings and people as survival tools
16. she has said she does not believe people could be monogamous
17. she cheated on past boyfriends - Mark, Rich, Mike, etc.
18. she justified her cheating while railing against her ex husband's infidelity
19. she never came to terms with her marriage and divorce - a lot of anger and rage
20. she saw sex as a technical act and only to achieve orgasm
21. she used to masturbate just to get an orgasm while watching tv - nothing sexual about it
22. she saw sex as a tool - seduction, get what she wants, revenge, etc.
23. she lied about many things, even continued to lie after I was done with the r/s
24. she lied about the Venetian Room dinner and kept me away on purpose
25. she cybered with someone on Valentine's Day, then went to make us dinner
26. she would flirt, dress sexy to get attention from men, even if she said they were pervs
27. she needed to be constantly reassured I loved her, thought she was sexy
28. she could not leave the house without makeup
29. she had a hard time letting me see her without makeup
30. she used "our pictures" or a picture she took just for me to lure other guys over to her place when we could still see other people (and lied about it)
31. she sent pictures of herself to guys she knew to get their praise and attention
32. she did not like it if I got jealous but got quite jealous herself
33. she exaggerated stories about me to her mother to justify our breakups
34. she kept me away from her job and Vincent, admitted recently she could not handle us meeting
35. she tried to always get me jealous by telling me stories about men who wanted her, flirted with her, etc. - make herself more desirable in my eyes
36. she was always confused about her feelings - very bpd
37. even after I was hurt bad, she made it all about her and her problems with Rich
38. when I dropped off the dog gate, she got flirty with me, made it about her and how good she looks
39. she was uncompromising about her house and living space
40. hypersexual at times, non sexual other times - complete opposites
41. never content, always open to new sexual highs with me
42. big commitment issues and trust issues
43. self centered and self absorbed always
44. she used to turn conversations around so they were about her
45. at the end of the day, her needs were most important
46. she felt rejected and criticized over the smallest of things
47. she felt rejected if I told her not to stress about work so much
48. she bad mouthed people all the time including friends and co-workers - splitting
49. she felt entitled to whatever she wanted
50. she vilified her ex for cheating but was the other woman in another marriage
51. she justified her relationship with Vincent
52. she shows very little empathy and remorse towards me and others
53. she always fished for compliments
54. she paid too much attention to her makeup, hair, etc. and nothing for the inside
55. she was too materialistic deep down
56. she made threats to leave and go home if things were not good
57. she was threatened by my female friends as well as hers
58. she embellishes and exaggerates stories
59. she overused pills for all her ailments
60. she would always have physical problems - neck, back, knee, bladder, IBS, migraines, stress management was poor, headaches, reflux, etc.
61. she refused therapy
62. she was suicidal in her youth and hurt herself
63. she liked to be smacked in the face during sex
64. no sense of who she is
65. she could not talk about feelings or her issues
66. she often played victim but ragged on others who do the same
67. she was dramatic
68. she never called Emily back to say goodbye, was hesitant when Em wanted to say bye
69. ignored my family - no email bye - distant to Rich, Lisa and Mom when she came to Disney
70. displays "look at me" behavior all the time, online as well
71. her emotions and actions were childlike and impulsive
72. intimacy issues, Daddy issues
73. in denial about things all the time
74. when she hurt me with Vincent, everything was none of my business, concern anymore
75. she had a different face for everyone - lack of identity
76. very low self esteem and worth - needs validation from men to feel good
77. used to brag about how men loved her, proposed to her, wanted to buy her a house, etc.
78. splitting - good or bad, no gray area
79. admitted to being a nutjob, nutball, unstable, has problems, feels she is entitled to having issues
80. changes her persona to make her mate happy
81. never enough attention for her, never satisfied - lived almost in a fantasy world
82. a user deep down - for her needs
83. she needed to be loved more than she loved
84. she ran away from me to avoid emotional pain, deleted us from her life
85. break up with me, then want me back to avoid being alone
86. when I got too close, she would push me away
87. she wanted a honeymoon phase to last forever
88. when we saw others, she had unprotected sex and lied about it
89. she gave me an std
90. she reveled in competition for her affections
91. she felt superior to everyone
92. she broke no contact with me a number of times, then pulls back
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Blame Game
Sure, Rain has problems.
She is a Borderline. She has histrionic and narcissistic traits. She has to be the center of attention. She craves attention to the point of flirting and attracting others. She uses people. Her emotions are always in flux. Up and down. She seeks perfection in someone else to make up for her own imperfect life. She wants someone to fill that Daddy role. Rain has a void inside her that can never be filled. She is that coffee cup that has cracks in the bottom. No one can fill that cup enough with love, compliments, compassion. It will always leak, her longing for more. She cannot feel valid, have self worth or much self esteem unless someone else is giving that to her. Unhappy with herself, not loving or even liking the person she is inside. At the end of the day, it's all about her. Selfish and self absorbed. Uses to get what she needs. Used me for years for sex, love, friendship, companionship, modeling, etc. Used her boss for sex, companionship, friendship, money, her landscaping, etc. Who knows where love lies there? She is so confused all the time, she probably does not know what real love is herself. And that goes for how she feels about me. She whored herself out to her boss in order to get things. We were done. On the break. A few days later, she starts to have big problems in her yard and sprinklers. Here comes her boss to save the day. It starts to get done and she involves herself in home decorating. She gives herself over and has her secret, late night visits. Then they go away for the weekend. I find out. I end things on my end. She is embarrassed, humiliated. People at her work find out, as well as the cheater's wife. Now, he's gone...for the time being. She got what she needed out of him. A user to the end. And what about infidelity? Did she cheat? Physically? Emotionally? I will never know. All I know is that she is a liar. She asked if I lost all respect for her. I said yes, yes I did. She will never be happy until she loves herself; is happy with herself. But, that is not my problem anymore.
Where is my blame?
I don't mean the things I did in the relationship. Sure, I was a good boyfriend. I was supportive, loving and faithful. But, I mean beyond that. Where is my blame? I have to accept part of this. I allowed myself to be treated this way. I allowed her to get away with her actions. I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not good for me in many ways. I thought I could fix her. Manipulate the relationship. Control it. Dominate it if necessary. Change her mind, her behavior. No. The only one I can change is myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way I knew was unacceptable to me.
The first months of the relationship:
1. I allowed myself to stay with a girl who was slutting around. She had various one night stands and was out of control. I broke it off but took her back.
2. I stayed with her, even though I felt used, self conscious, on the hook, on a waiting list wanting her attention, there for her at her call, etc.
3. I allowed myself to stay in competition for her with "Tony", really her boss, Vincent.
4. Even after she told me her feelings, I allowed myself to stay in this decision till XMas, a month later.
5. I took her back within a week of our first breakup, five weeks after we met. I allowed this behavior.
The next phase till the first big breakup
1. I allowed myself to feel emasculated and used when she flirted/cybered with some guy on myspace. On fucking Valentines Day even. She apologized and apologized and of course, I stayed.
2. I allowed myself to stay when I felt I knew the truth about Vincent/Tony. I believed her lies because I wanted to believe them.
3. I allowed myself to stay even when she had blow ups about any criticism that went her way. I knew she was volatile.
4. I stayed when she was back and forth about me that next year and months after her car accident.
5. I stayed after an incident with a photographer that to this day I will never know what really happened.
The getting back together to the end
1. I allowed myself to take her back, even though I knew she was bad for me. She broke up with me after three dates. Took her back. After five weeks. Took her back. A few day hiatus the next year. Took her back. Broke up with her, took her back. It goes on and on and on. The broken record keeps playing.
2. I stayed even though she broke her promise about the counselor. Who knows if she even went?
3. I stayed when she was in denial about her problems and refused help.
4. I stayed, knowing she was self medicating and mixing pills.
5. I stayed after I found out I was left out of the dinner at the restaurant (to supposedly keep her work and personal life separate). Tears and promises kept me hooked.
6. I stayed even though I never fully trusted her.
7. I stayed through all the times she would try and make me jealous.
8. I stayed through all of the pushing away she did. She was uncompromising about her house, her living space, her privacy. I stayed after I found the picture of her and Vincent in her underwear drawer.
9. I stayed through all of her mood swings, zombie like state on meds, etc.
10. I stayed even though I saw red flags over the years. I knew she had issues.
11. I was willing to stay during our break and we all know how that ended.
I accept my blame in staying in this relationship. I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. So, I need to work on those issues I have that made me stay with her. Why I believed her lies. Why I put all of my happiness in this r/s when it should have been inside of me the entire time.
She is a Borderline. She has histrionic and narcissistic traits. She has to be the center of attention. She craves attention to the point of flirting and attracting others. She uses people. Her emotions are always in flux. Up and down. She seeks perfection in someone else to make up for her own imperfect life. She wants someone to fill that Daddy role. Rain has a void inside her that can never be filled. She is that coffee cup that has cracks in the bottom. No one can fill that cup enough with love, compliments, compassion. It will always leak, her longing for more. She cannot feel valid, have self worth or much self esteem unless someone else is giving that to her. Unhappy with herself, not loving or even liking the person she is inside. At the end of the day, it's all about her. Selfish and self absorbed. Uses to get what she needs. Used me for years for sex, love, friendship, companionship, modeling, etc. Used her boss for sex, companionship, friendship, money, her landscaping, etc. Who knows where love lies there? She is so confused all the time, she probably does not know what real love is herself. And that goes for how she feels about me. She whored herself out to her boss in order to get things. We were done. On the break. A few days later, she starts to have big problems in her yard and sprinklers. Here comes her boss to save the day. It starts to get done and she involves herself in home decorating. She gives herself over and has her secret, late night visits. Then they go away for the weekend. I find out. I end things on my end. She is embarrassed, humiliated. People at her work find out, as well as the cheater's wife. Now, he's gone...for the time being. She got what she needed out of him. A user to the end. And what about infidelity? Did she cheat? Physically? Emotionally? I will never know. All I know is that she is a liar. She asked if I lost all respect for her. I said yes, yes I did. She will never be happy until she loves herself; is happy with herself. But, that is not my problem anymore.
Where is my blame?
I don't mean the things I did in the relationship. Sure, I was a good boyfriend. I was supportive, loving and faithful. But, I mean beyond that. Where is my blame? I have to accept part of this. I allowed myself to be treated this way. I allowed her to get away with her actions. I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not good for me in many ways. I thought I could fix her. Manipulate the relationship. Control it. Dominate it if necessary. Change her mind, her behavior. No. The only one I can change is myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way I knew was unacceptable to me.
The first months of the relationship:
1. I allowed myself to stay with a girl who was slutting around. She had various one night stands and was out of control. I broke it off but took her back.
2. I stayed with her, even though I felt used, self conscious, on the hook, on a waiting list wanting her attention, there for her at her call, etc.
3. I allowed myself to stay in competition for her with "Tony", really her boss, Vincent.
4. Even after she told me her feelings, I allowed myself to stay in this decision till XMas, a month later.
5. I took her back within a week of our first breakup, five weeks after we met. I allowed this behavior.
The next phase till the first big breakup
1. I allowed myself to feel emasculated and used when she flirted/cybered with some guy on myspace. On fucking Valentines Day even. She apologized and apologized and of course, I stayed.
2. I allowed myself to stay when I felt I knew the truth about Vincent/Tony. I believed her lies because I wanted to believe them.
3. I allowed myself to stay even when she had blow ups about any criticism that went her way. I knew she was volatile.
4. I stayed when she was back and forth about me that next year and months after her car accident.
5. I stayed after an incident with a photographer that to this day I will never know what really happened.
The getting back together to the end
1. I allowed myself to take her back, even though I knew she was bad for me. She broke up with me after three dates. Took her back. After five weeks. Took her back. A few day hiatus the next year. Took her back. Broke up with her, took her back. It goes on and on and on. The broken record keeps playing.
2. I stayed even though she broke her promise about the counselor. Who knows if she even went?
3. I stayed when she was in denial about her problems and refused help.
4. I stayed, knowing she was self medicating and mixing pills.
5. I stayed after I found out I was left out of the dinner at the restaurant (to supposedly keep her work and personal life separate). Tears and promises kept me hooked.
6. I stayed even though I never fully trusted her.
7. I stayed through all the times she would try and make me jealous.
8. I stayed through all of the pushing away she did. She was uncompromising about her house, her living space, her privacy. I stayed after I found the picture of her and Vincent in her underwear drawer.
9. I stayed through all of her mood swings, zombie like state on meds, etc.
10. I stayed even though I saw red flags over the years. I knew she had issues.
11. I was willing to stay during our break and we all know how that ended.
I accept my blame in staying in this relationship. I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. So, I need to work on those issues I have that made me stay with her. Why I believed her lies. Why I put all of my happiness in this r/s when it should have been inside of me the entire time.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
The saying is true. So true.
Ever since I told Rain, "It's okay, I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie," things have gone a little wacky in Rainland. Add onto that, I ignored her last email where she thanked me for the prints I dropped off (told her it was not necessary to thank me and contact me a week ago.....wow...I really said that a lot to her) and ignored the fact that she left me a comment on my new pin up (what does the words no contact mean to you sweetie).
Rain is displeased.
Since then, she has gone on the forums (knowing I was there) talking about how she and some of the other girls need to troll for men.
I just smiled and shook my head. I mean, come on. If she was truly at peace with her decision and happy with the direction of her life, would she really say something like this? I could not imagine doing that to her and she was the one who walked. Just immature. Something I think a high school girl would do to get attention from her ex bf. Is she trying to make me jealous? Mad? Maybe a little of "see what you don't get to have now?"
She went on....talking about how they should go to fairvilla, some halloween costume shops, etc. Things the two of us did exclusively. Just on and on and on like a broken record out to make a point. Get a reaction out of me.
It shocked me, but to be honest, really shouldn't surprise me. I remember her bragging years ago about being subtle, then flirty with me, etc. "I got you back didn't I?", she said with pride. How she prided herself on getting any guy she wanted. Well, sweetie, I am not any guy. I am ignoring your crazy ass. It's funny, she used to say about my ex-wife, "you can't hide the crazy forever."
How true that is Rain. How true.
It really makes it that much easier to move on and get away from her.
Ever since I told Rain, "It's okay, I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie," things have gone a little wacky in Rainland. Add onto that, I ignored her last email where she thanked me for the prints I dropped off (told her it was not necessary to thank me and contact me a week ago.....wow...I really said that a lot to her) and ignored the fact that she left me a comment on my new pin up (what does the words no contact mean to you sweetie).
Rain is displeased.
Since then, she has gone on the forums (knowing I was there) talking about how she and some of the other girls need to troll for men.
I just smiled and shook my head. I mean, come on. If she was truly at peace with her decision and happy with the direction of her life, would she really say something like this? I could not imagine doing that to her and she was the one who walked. Just immature. Something I think a high school girl would do to get attention from her ex bf. Is she trying to make me jealous? Mad? Maybe a little of "see what you don't get to have now?"
She went on....talking about how they should go to fairvilla, some halloween costume shops, etc. Things the two of us did exclusively. Just on and on and on like a broken record out to make a point. Get a reaction out of me.
It shocked me, but to be honest, really shouldn't surprise me. I remember her bragging years ago about being subtle, then flirty with me, etc. "I got you back didn't I?", she said with pride. How she prided herself on getting any guy she wanted. Well, sweetie, I am not any guy. I am ignoring your crazy ass. It's funny, she used to say about my ex-wife, "you can't hide the crazy forever."
How true that is Rain. How true.
It really makes it that much easier to move on and get away from her.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Strange Days
It certainly has been a strange week or so.
On my way to my Mom's for my birthday, I decided to stop by and drop off a dog gate at Rain's house. It is on the way and I figured, now or never. So, I drive up to her house. She walks out in her pajamas with her dog. Jesus. What are the odds? God has a sense of humor, doesn't he? I don't know what to do so I just smile and wave. She says, "what are you doing driving in front of my house?" I was offended, drove off but then came right back. I thought I had a couple of art prints as well but left them in the office. So, I come out and give her the gate, telling her I was hurt by her remarks and she apologized, saying she had just woken up and was shocked. Our conversation went something like this.
Me: What happened to us?
Her: I don't know.
Me: Did the meds have something to do with this?
Her: Yes, partly. We just weren't right.
I just nod. Okay.
I have Emily come out and say goodbye to her. She is hesitant, saying she didn't even brush her teeth. She just could not handle it. She could not face her. I wave Emily over and they hug. She tells Em she will miss her very much. Em goes back to the car.
Rain tells me she saw what I wrote on the website. I was saying how I needed an early birthday present. A hottie in a trench coat with lingerie underneath.
Her: Do you remember I did that for you years ago?
I nod.
Her: I was tempted. To come over. See you.
I am shocked. I make a joke.
Me: Well not sure when I am free for a last hurrah. Maybe Monday, Wednesday.
She smiles.
Me: I would have to punish you first for all this shit.
Her: Hmmm that wouldn't be a bad thing. No. We can't do this. It would be fun but we can't.
Me: I was joking. It would not be good for either of us.
She pauses, looks down and smiles devilishly.
Her: You know it's too bad. This is the best I've ever looked. And I look damn good in lingerie.
What a tease. Where did this come from? Was she serious or just needed attention from me? A reaction.
I smile and say, "I'm sure. Don't worry. I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie."
She smiles but I can tell she did not like my comment. We give a quick hug. I ask her if she is still going to get therapy. She says yes. I said good.
Good bye. I leave.
I drive off. Sad. Another part of closure. It's a process.
So, later in the week, I decide to get back on the model/photog forums. Rain is on there, acting outrageous. She is totally obsessed, beyond anything before, with talking about herself, shoes, what boots she wants, etc. The face she uses for that community is just worse than before. Times ten. Maybe more. Who is she trying to convince she's okay? Them or herself? Both? I ignore her. She comments about something I talk about (making jokes about booze). I leave.
Friday was weird.
A model on there is complaining about being alone, wanting a bf to snuggle.
I quote her and make a joke about not needing anyone.
Rain comes on below me. She writes:
"Screw snuggling. That's what I have a dog for. I just want to get laid."
Shocking. She goes on acting dirty, talking about how she needs a cold shower today. I ignore her and continue to make jokes, not acknowledging anything she says. Eventually she leaves and so do I.
She is just trying to get a reaction out of me. This is her way of contacting me without contacting me. Is she just mad and saying, look at what you are missing? Is she just teasing, hoping I would email her? She could refuse my offer or accept it. Either way she got a response. Or did she just need attention from me? It could be all of the above. They seems like games to me. Just a need from her to get my attention, my reaction.
She is really messed up. She does not see it. Others do. Just in denial.
I am "out of sight, out of mind" with her. When she sees me around, she acts out. She teases. She needs to have that attention from me because I turned away her advances. I told her not to contact me again many times. This is her survival skills. Detach from me. Move on. Forget. Don't ever look back. If she does, she has to come to terms with what she did, who she is. She is in constant struggle of who she really is. No identity. I know that on certain days though, I will creep back in. One day, she'll realize how she screwed this up. And she'll have regret. I don't know when I will hear from her again.
I want to meet someone pretty, sexy, erotic, nice and healthy. I know she's out there. I need to be ready when I meet her. Deal with my codependent issues. My issues of needing to be in control.
My addiction to Rain is subsiding. And I'm glad. Time heals all wounds.
On my way to my Mom's for my birthday, I decided to stop by and drop off a dog gate at Rain's house. It is on the way and I figured, now or never. So, I drive up to her house. She walks out in her pajamas with her dog. Jesus. What are the odds? God has a sense of humor, doesn't he? I don't know what to do so I just smile and wave. She says, "what are you doing driving in front of my house?" I was offended, drove off but then came right back. I thought I had a couple of art prints as well but left them in the office. So, I come out and give her the gate, telling her I was hurt by her remarks and she apologized, saying she had just woken up and was shocked. Our conversation went something like this.
Me: What happened to us?
Her: I don't know.
Me: Did the meds have something to do with this?
Her: Yes, partly. We just weren't right.
I just nod. Okay.
I have Emily come out and say goodbye to her. She is hesitant, saying she didn't even brush her teeth. She just could not handle it. She could not face her. I wave Emily over and they hug. She tells Em she will miss her very much. Em goes back to the car.
Rain tells me she saw what I wrote on the website. I was saying how I needed an early birthday present. A hottie in a trench coat with lingerie underneath.
Her: Do you remember I did that for you years ago?
I nod.
Her: I was tempted. To come over. See you.
I am shocked. I make a joke.
Me: Well not sure when I am free for a last hurrah. Maybe Monday, Wednesday.
She smiles.
Me: I would have to punish you first for all this shit.
Her: Hmmm that wouldn't be a bad thing. No. We can't do this. It would be fun but we can't.
Me: I was joking. It would not be good for either of us.
She pauses, looks down and smiles devilishly.
Her: You know it's too bad. This is the best I've ever looked. And I look damn good in lingerie.
What a tease. Where did this come from? Was she serious or just needed attention from me? A reaction.
I smile and say, "I'm sure. Don't worry. I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie."
She smiles but I can tell she did not like my comment. We give a quick hug. I ask her if she is still going to get therapy. She says yes. I said good.
Good bye. I leave.
I drive off. Sad. Another part of closure. It's a process.
So, later in the week, I decide to get back on the model/photog forums. Rain is on there, acting outrageous. She is totally obsessed, beyond anything before, with talking about herself, shoes, what boots she wants, etc. The face she uses for that community is just worse than before. Times ten. Maybe more. Who is she trying to convince she's okay? Them or herself? Both? I ignore her. She comments about something I talk about (making jokes about booze). I leave.
Friday was weird.
A model on there is complaining about being alone, wanting a bf to snuggle.
I quote her and make a joke about not needing anyone.
Rain comes on below me. She writes:
"Screw snuggling. That's what I have a dog for. I just want to get laid."
Shocking. She goes on acting dirty, talking about how she needs a cold shower today. I ignore her and continue to make jokes, not acknowledging anything she says. Eventually she leaves and so do I.
She is just trying to get a reaction out of me. This is her way of contacting me without contacting me. Is she just mad and saying, look at what you are missing? Is she just teasing, hoping I would email her? She could refuse my offer or accept it. Either way she got a response. Or did she just need attention from me? It could be all of the above. They seems like games to me. Just a need from her to get my attention, my reaction.
She is really messed up. She does not see it. Others do. Just in denial.
I am "out of sight, out of mind" with her. When she sees me around, she acts out. She teases. She needs to have that attention from me because I turned away her advances. I told her not to contact me again many times. This is her survival skills. Detach from me. Move on. Forget. Don't ever look back. If she does, she has to come to terms with what she did, who she is. She is in constant struggle of who she really is. No identity. I know that on certain days though, I will creep back in. One day, she'll realize how she screwed this up. And she'll have regret. I don't know when I will hear from her again.
I want to meet someone pretty, sexy, erotic, nice and healthy. I know she's out there. I need to be ready when I meet her. Deal with my codependent issues. My issues of needing to be in control.
My addiction to Rain is subsiding. And I'm glad. Time heals all wounds.
Reflections
So many things have come to light. I remember her Mom happy that Rain finally brought a bf home (for the holidays, etc.). I was supposedly the first since her divorce. It was three to four years. Makes sense. This is a girl who cannot commit, pursues a fantasy-like, unobtainable man (her boss who is married). She only has to invest so much emotion, so much feeling and not take the chance of getting hurt much. No wonder they were on and off for years. She obviously needed more from time to time (with her needs and emotions in flux all the time) so she left, went back, left, went back. During these periods, she supposedly went from guy to guy. One night stands. Going to dress and impress at some bar or restaurant. Fooling around in the parking lot or taking the home. That's how it was with us. Met on the dating site. Fooled around in the parking lot of Bahama Breeze on the first date. I got far with her. She told me later she wanted to have sex with me the first night and I could have had her. I made her cum by rubbing through her pants. I may have fingered her as well. Second date was for lunch at Romano's. Third was at Samba Room. After our date, we fooled around heavy. She was mesmerized but scared of my dominant ways. She gave me a great blowjob while I put my finger in her ass. She wanted to go home with me. I declined because my crappy apartment was filled with boxes. I was moving into my townhouse. She saw this as rejection. She broke up with me the next morning. She could not handle being rejected. Within days, we talked and got back together. I took her home that night. She took me to Timpano to make it up for me. After, I took her home and we had incredible, kinky sex. She loved it. I loved it. A match made in heaven, or hell.
I see the sexual addictive type nature she had. I have it too. I see now that she had something deeper going on. Living in a fantasy world with her boss. She cannot be alone. She needs someone, somewhere. For attention. Even if for the night. Most of the time, that's how it is with her. She sees someone briefly, then breaks it off (or won't even go further than the one night). Filling that void she has. She has to feel valid. Feel loved, desired. Sexy. She needs the attention and affection. It's part of who she is. When we were together, I drained myself paying attention to her. Affection. It was just emotionally and physically draining. This is who she is. It is in her nature. She will go off, screw and use the boss when she needs to (someone to lean on...hmmm right) and anyone else to make her feel good. Meantime, I am healing. It will take more time but I am healing. She isn't. She most likely will not get long term help. She most likely will not be one hundred percent honest with a counselor or herself. She never has been. Why start now? She will retreat into her old patterns. After our break up (and her breakdown), she already has. She ran back to the chef. She had her fun like in the old days before I came along. And judging from her recent comments, she is on her way. Her unstable and wild, crazy nature is coming out in full force.
I just need to avoid her completely. I should not care who she is seeing, fucking, what she is doing. This is the life she chooses. I have no ties to her anymore. And to be honest, I already decided a month ago that I don't want her anymore after I found out she spread her legs for the chef. Like I did not know her anymore. I really don't. New personalities or sides to her will keep coming back. So, if I don't want her anymore, I need to make sure I don't care what she's doing. Just sad. Let her destroy herself. She will be unhappy and not have a steady, healthy relationship. She does not know what she wants. She never will unless she gets help. But it is not my concern anymore. I have to focus on me and my future. And any new women that await.
I see the sexual addictive type nature she had. I have it too. I see now that she had something deeper going on. Living in a fantasy world with her boss. She cannot be alone. She needs someone, somewhere. For attention. Even if for the night. Most of the time, that's how it is with her. She sees someone briefly, then breaks it off (or won't even go further than the one night). Filling that void she has. She has to feel valid. Feel loved, desired. Sexy. She needs the attention and affection. It's part of who she is. When we were together, I drained myself paying attention to her. Affection. It was just emotionally and physically draining. This is who she is. It is in her nature. She will go off, screw and use the boss when she needs to (someone to lean on...hmmm right) and anyone else to make her feel good. Meantime, I am healing. It will take more time but I am healing. She isn't. She most likely will not get long term help. She most likely will not be one hundred percent honest with a counselor or herself. She never has been. Why start now? She will retreat into her old patterns. After our break up (and her breakdown), she already has. She ran back to the chef. She had her fun like in the old days before I came along. And judging from her recent comments, she is on her way. Her unstable and wild, crazy nature is coming out in full force.
I just need to avoid her completely. I should not care who she is seeing, fucking, what she is doing. This is the life she chooses. I have no ties to her anymore. And to be honest, I already decided a month ago that I don't want her anymore after I found out she spread her legs for the chef. Like I did not know her anymore. I really don't. New personalities or sides to her will keep coming back. So, if I don't want her anymore, I need to make sure I don't care what she's doing. Just sad. Let her destroy herself. She will be unhappy and not have a steady, healthy relationship. She does not know what she wants. She never will unless she gets help. But it is not my concern anymore. I have to focus on me and my future. And any new women that await.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Truth
Well, life is full of surprises. Seems that Rain's psycho ex husband strikes again. She contacted me after No Contact. She tells me that Dick (that's his name) has been posing as me, sending personal and nasty emails to many people involved. Ugh. What a loser. I emailed Shorty's wife (who seems to have been separated from him for awhile), telling her that it was not me and I wish the best for her family. So, Rain wanted to verify it was not me. I was offended she thought I had something to do with this. I denied it and she agreed right away. I am not going to put myself and my own job in jeopardy.
So, we talk. Figured we were on the phone. I asked her, tell me the truth, was Tony Shorty? Her mystery man. She said yes. The truth felt good to hear. So, years ago she was choosing between me and him. I thought so. She says they had an on again, off again relationship for years back then. When she met me, she had to choose. She was comfortable and secure with him, but was in love with me. She chose me. He gave her back a bunch of stuff (that I even saw some of it by accident) and we were together. The frame I found under the bed made its way to the underwear drawer and then to the closet in a box in the last two years. She told me again she never cheated on me. Rain told me that Shorty even offered to cater her wedding to me if we got that far. She said she was not comfortable with that. She was not comfortable with the two of us ever meeting. She said she did not think she could handle it. She said that she did not love him anymore like in the past; only as a friend. I believe her. The truth was coming out of her finally. Maybe it is part of her healing process. She has been a mess lately. Weaning herself off of the medication she was on. She also told me that he had nothing to do with the breakup. She said there was no offer on the table and there was no future with him as far as she knew. I told her it was not my concern. Of course I cared but am not going to show it. She said that being with him after our breakup was comforting and familiar. She said it was a bad judgment call and was not with him currently. I am sure she's not considering his wife found out and is making life hell I'm sure.
She has a lot to take care of. She has this injunction with her ex. She admitted to me that she does need help and once things have settled, she is going to do that. I hope she does. I really do. I have let go much of the anger. She also told me that she still loves me, but believes the decision to break up was the right thing to do. I did not argue the point. She was very emotional during it all. I felt for her. I really did. Still time to move on but I wonder when she will pop back in my life. Part of me hopes she never will. But, part of me misses the old Rain. I guess a part of me hopes to see her one day. Who thought life would be this difficult?
So, we talk. Figured we were on the phone. I asked her, tell me the truth, was Tony Shorty? Her mystery man. She said yes. The truth felt good to hear. So, years ago she was choosing between me and him. I thought so. She says they had an on again, off again relationship for years back then. When she met me, she had to choose. She was comfortable and secure with him, but was in love with me. She chose me. He gave her back a bunch of stuff (that I even saw some of it by accident) and we were together. The frame I found under the bed made its way to the underwear drawer and then to the closet in a box in the last two years. She told me again she never cheated on me. Rain told me that Shorty even offered to cater her wedding to me if we got that far. She said she was not comfortable with that. She was not comfortable with the two of us ever meeting. She said she did not think she could handle it. She said that she did not love him anymore like in the past; only as a friend. I believe her. The truth was coming out of her finally. Maybe it is part of her healing process. She has been a mess lately. Weaning herself off of the medication she was on. She also told me that he had nothing to do with the breakup. She said there was no offer on the table and there was no future with him as far as she knew. I told her it was not my concern. Of course I cared but am not going to show it. She said that being with him after our breakup was comforting and familiar. She said it was a bad judgment call and was not with him currently. I am sure she's not considering his wife found out and is making life hell I'm sure.
She has a lot to take care of. She has this injunction with her ex. She admitted to me that she does need help and once things have settled, she is going to do that. I hope she does. I really do. I have let go much of the anger. She also told me that she still loves me, but believes the decision to break up was the right thing to do. I did not argue the point. She was very emotional during it all. I felt for her. I really did. Still time to move on but I wonder when she will pop back in my life. Part of me hopes she never will. But, part of me misses the old Rain. I guess a part of me hopes to see her one day. Who thought life would be this difficult?
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