Strange Days

It certainly has been a strange week or so.

On my way to my Mom's for my birthday, I decided to stop by and drop off a dog gate at Rain's house. It is on the way and I figured, now or never. So, I drive up to her house. She walks out in her pajamas with her dog. Jesus. What are the odds? God has a sense of humor, doesn't he? I don't know what to do so I just smile and wave. She says, "what are you doing driving in front of my house?" I was offended, drove off but then came right back. I thought I had a couple of art prints as well but left them in the office. So, I come out and give her the gate, telling her I was hurt by her remarks and she apologized, saying she had just woken up and was shocked. Our conversation went something like this.

Me: What happened to us?
Her: I don't know.
Me: Did the meds have something to do with this?
Her: Yes, partly. We just weren't right.

I just nod. Okay.

I have Emily come out and say goodbye to her. She is hesitant, saying she didn't even brush her teeth. She just could not handle it. She could not face her. I wave Emily over and they hug. She tells Em she will miss her very much. Em goes back to the car.

Rain tells me she saw what I wrote on the website. I was saying how I needed an early birthday present. A hottie in a trench coat with lingerie underneath.

Her: Do you remember I did that for you years ago?
I nod.
Her: I was tempted. To come over. See you.
I am shocked. I make a joke.
Me: Well not sure when I am free for a last hurrah. Maybe Monday, Wednesday.
She smiles.
Me: I would have to punish you first for all this shit.
Her: Hmmm that wouldn't be a bad thing. No. We can't do this. It would be fun but we can't.
Me: I was joking. It would not be good for either of us.

She pauses, looks down and smiles devilishly.

Her: You know it's too bad. This is the best I've ever looked. And I look damn good in lingerie.

What a tease. Where did this come from? Was she serious or just needed attention from me? A reaction.

I smile and say, "I'm sure. Don't worry. I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie."

She smiles but I can tell she did not like my comment. We give a quick hug. I ask her if she is still going to get therapy. She says yes. I said good.

Good bye. I leave.

I drive off. Sad. Another part of closure. It's a process.

So, later in the week, I decide to get back on the model/photog forums. Rain is on there, acting outrageous. She is totally obsessed, beyond anything before, with talking about herself, shoes, what boots she wants, etc. The face she uses for that community is just worse than before. Times ten. Maybe more. Who is she trying to convince she's okay? Them or herself? Both? I ignore her. She comments about something I talk about (making jokes about booze). I leave.

Friday was weird.

A model on there is complaining about being alone, wanting a bf to snuggle.

I quote her and make a joke about not needing anyone.

Rain comes on below me. She writes:

"Screw snuggling. That's what I have a dog for. I just want to get laid."

Shocking. She goes on acting dirty, talking about how she needs a cold shower today. I ignore her and continue to make jokes, not acknowledging anything she says. Eventually she leaves and so do I.

She is just trying to get a reaction out of me. This is her way of contacting me without contacting me. Is she just mad and saying, look at what you are missing? Is she just teasing, hoping I would email her? She could refuse my offer or accept it. Either way she got a response. Or did she just need attention from me? It could be all of the above. They seems like games to me. Just a need from her to get my attention, my reaction.

She is really messed up. She does not see it. Others do. Just in denial.

I am "out of sight, out of mind" with her. When she sees me around, she acts out. She teases. She needs to have that attention from me because I turned away her advances. I told her not to contact me again many times. This is her survival skills. Detach from me. Move on. Forget. Don't ever look back. If she does, she has to come to terms with what she did, who she is. She is in constant struggle of who she really is. No identity. I know that on certain days though, I will creep back in. One day, she'll realize how she screwed this up. And she'll have regret. I don't know when I will hear from her again.

I want to meet someone pretty, sexy, erotic, nice and healthy. I know she's out there. I need to be ready when I meet her. Deal with my codependent issues. My issues of needing to be in control.

My addiction to Rain is subsiding. And I'm glad. Time heals all wounds.