The Blame Game

Sure, Rain has problems.

She is a Borderline. She has histrionic and narcissistic traits. She has to be the center of attention. She craves attention to the point of flirting and attracting others. She uses people. Her emotions are always in flux. Up and down. She seeks perfection in someone else to make up for her own imperfect life. She wants someone to fill that Daddy role. Rain has a void inside her that can never be filled. She is that coffee cup that has cracks in the bottom. No one can fill that cup enough with love, compliments, compassion. It will always leak, her longing for more. She cannot feel valid, have self worth or much self esteem unless someone else is giving that to her. Unhappy with herself, not loving or even liking the person she is inside. At the end of the day, it's all about her. Selfish and self absorbed. Uses to get what she needs. Used me for years for sex, love, friendship, companionship, modeling, etc. Used her boss for sex, companionship, friendship, money, her landscaping, etc. Who knows where love lies there? She is so confused all the time, she probably does not know what real love is herself. And that goes for how she feels about me. She whored herself out to her boss in order to get things. We were done. On the break. A few days later, she starts to have big problems in her yard and sprinklers. Here comes her boss to save the day. It starts to get done and she involves herself in home decorating. She gives herself over and has her secret, late night visits. Then they go away for the weekend. I find out. I end things on my end. She is embarrassed, humiliated. People at her work find out, as well as the cheater's wife. Now, he's gone...for the time being. She got what she needed out of him. A user to the end. And what about infidelity? Did she cheat? Physically? Emotionally? I will never know. All I know is that she is a liar. She asked if I lost all respect for her. I said yes, yes I did. She will never be happy until she loves herself; is happy with herself. But, that is not my problem anymore.

Where is my blame?

I don't mean the things I did in the relationship. Sure, I was a good boyfriend. I was supportive, loving and faithful. But, I mean beyond that. Where is my blame? I have to accept part of this. I allowed myself to be treated this way. I allowed her to get away with her actions. I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not good for me in many ways. I thought I could fix her. Manipulate the relationship. Control it. Dominate it if necessary. Change her mind, her behavior. No. The only one I can change is myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way I knew was unacceptable to me.

The first months of the relationship:

1. I allowed myself to stay with a girl who was slutting around. She had various one night stands and was out of control. I broke it off but took her back.
2. I stayed with her, even though I felt used, self conscious, on the hook, on a waiting list wanting her attention, there for her at her call, etc.
3. I allowed myself to stay in competition for her with "Tony", really her boss, Vincent.
4. Even after she told me her feelings, I allowed myself to stay in this decision till XMas, a month later.
5. I took her back within a week of our first breakup, five weeks after we met. I allowed this behavior.

The next phase till the first big breakup

1. I allowed myself to feel emasculated and used when she flirted/cybered with some guy on myspace. On fucking Valentines Day even. She apologized and apologized and of course, I stayed.
2. I allowed myself to stay when I felt I knew the truth about Vincent/Tony. I believed her lies because I wanted to believe them.
3. I allowed myself to stay even when she had blow ups about any criticism that went her way. I knew she was volatile.
4. I stayed when she was back and forth about me that next year and months after her car accident.
5. I stayed after an incident with a photographer that to this day I will never know what really happened.

The getting back together to the end

1. I allowed myself to take her back, even though I knew she was bad for me. She broke up with me after three dates. Took her back. After five weeks. Took her back. A few day hiatus the next year. Took her back. Broke up with her, took her back. It goes on and on and on. The broken record keeps playing.
2. I stayed even though she broke her promise about the counselor. Who knows if she even went?
3. I stayed when she was in denial about her problems and refused help.
4. I stayed, knowing she was self medicating and mixing pills.
5. I stayed after I found out I was left out of the dinner at the restaurant (to supposedly keep her work and personal life separate). Tears and promises kept me hooked.
6. I stayed even though I never fully trusted her.
7. I stayed through all the times she would try and make me jealous.
8. I stayed through all of the pushing away she did. She was uncompromising about her house, her living space, her privacy. I stayed after I found the picture of her and Vincent in her underwear drawer.
9. I stayed through all of her mood swings, zombie like state on meds, etc.
10. I stayed even though I saw red flags over the years. I knew she had issues.
11. I was willing to stay during our break and we all know how that ended.

I accept my blame in staying in this relationship. I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. So, I need to work on those issues I have that made me stay with her. Why I believed her lies. Why I put all of my happiness in this r/s when it should have been inside of me the entire time.