Saturday, October 12, 2013
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Who was the person behind the curtain?
It's a valid question.
Who was she? Her name was Cary.
She was beautiful. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I liked her. A smile that could light up the room. I loved her smile. Her laugh was incredible. Her sexual appetite perhaps too much. Then again, it was like that to cover up her pain. She carried around so much emotional pain.
Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Her mother was overly critical of her appearance and made Cary very self conscious in her youth. At 13, she was raped by three boys. The other males in her life were not much better. Her boyfriend Mark in high school beat her up. He was abusive and even blackmailed her. Her ex-husband cheated on her, told her she was fat and unattractive. There is so much I probably don't know. What was she covering up that was not told to me?
Did she also cheat on her ex-husband as he claimed? She did cheat on her boyfriends in high school. She cheated on Mike, her first love while they were in culinary school with his best friend. And she cheated on him constantly. She showed no remorse for it. There seemed to be a lack of conscience. Cheating seemed second nature to her. Why not cheat if she felt entitled to it? She thought all men were cheaters. She had been hurt for years. She hated the other woman in her marriage. It seems she wanted to take some power back for herself. Who knows when it started, but she began her secret relationship with her boss, Vincent, in her mid twenties. Around the time of her divorce and her father dying is when it supposedly started. Her new father figure had arrived. Perhaps her personality disorder was manifesting at this point. Vincent was married. He was her boss. He spoiled Cary, buying her expensive shoes, jewelry and who knows what else. He liked taking her away on trips behind his wife's back. It seems to me this started before her divorce. What are the chances she was faithful (while her ex thought her to be cheating with her boss) and then after the divorce they start a relationship? Is it that she cannot help herself? Welcome to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. When she feels unloved, not valid, not good enough, not desired, she gets that validation from men. Sex to be precise. The chances that she cheated on her ex husband are very high. Everything is about her needs. Everything.
So, she meets me. Supposedly I turn her head. She sees me as her rescuer. The man who could possibly make her dreams come true. Her new identity is being created. She picks me over him. She talks about a baby. Searching for that thing to make her complete, she thinks she finds it on my path. Who knows how long it took but I am sure she was back in his arms whenever she needed something. To fill that void inside her. Before we went exclusive, she had sexual escapades with me, her boss, Carl, Bobby the bass player, as well as one night stands with others. How many do I not know about? She cybered online with men. She drank excessively. She loved to spend money. A trainwreck waiting to happen. She started modeling again with my help and spawned two modeling identities: one good and one bad so to say. A makeup artist portfolio. A jewelry line. Always needing to do something more to fill up her life that felt so empty to her. I was not enough for her. Neither was the modeling. The boss wasn't either. A term like contentment was foreign to her. Comfort was not preferred. Only drama and chaos: what she has been used to her entire life.
Self medicating with pills to combat depression, she refused therapy. She mixed them with pain killers, muscle relaxers, topamax for migraine prevention, medicine for her bladder, IBS, reflux and who knows what else. She became a zombie. By the time she went off of her depression meds cold turkey for four days, the cracks split wide open. This person, who was inside the whole time, was now out. The identity she had with me could no longer be sustained. Her emotions always a whirlwind due to her bpd, she was not sure she loved me anymore. Later, of course, she did. But it was too late.
While on a break, she went off with Vincent. I found out. Like with most things, she lied. And lied. Finally admitting to it, this person was quite evident to me. She was selfish. Self serving and self absorbed. Petty. Angry. Vindictive. Full of hate. No remorse or empathy. No conscience coming through. Justifying her behaviors and lies. Needing attention always. She became worse on the modelmayhem forums, drawing attention to herself every minute she could. Cruel to me, trying to make me jealous and angry. Refusing to call Emily back to say goodbye. Contacting me for silly reasons. Angry when I began to ignore her. Paranoid about me and her ex-husband. She will keep cycling. Up then down. Happy then sad. Even when she is happy for a short time, she is still filled with those voices of criticism. She is still empty inside. Blaming me for not giving her a baby, for not attending to her needs or paying enough attention to her, she absolved herself of any blame or responsibility. She will continue to act like this. Even calling herself the nickname I called her, kitty to people. I am sure she calls other guys the nickname she called me.
This is who she is. This is what she is. Broken. And I cannot fix her. No one can. She will be like this forever. The girl with the broken smile.
Who was she? Her name was Cary.
She was beautiful. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I liked her. A smile that could light up the room. I loved her smile. Her laugh was incredible. Her sexual appetite perhaps too much. Then again, it was like that to cover up her pain. She carried around so much emotional pain.
Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Her mother was overly critical of her appearance and made Cary very self conscious in her youth. At 13, she was raped by three boys. The other males in her life were not much better. Her boyfriend Mark in high school beat her up. He was abusive and even blackmailed her. Her ex-husband cheated on her, told her she was fat and unattractive. There is so much I probably don't know. What was she covering up that was not told to me?
Did she also cheat on her ex-husband as he claimed? She did cheat on her boyfriends in high school. She cheated on Mike, her first love while they were in culinary school with his best friend. And she cheated on him constantly. She showed no remorse for it. There seemed to be a lack of conscience. Cheating seemed second nature to her. Why not cheat if she felt entitled to it? She thought all men were cheaters. She had been hurt for years. She hated the other woman in her marriage. It seems she wanted to take some power back for herself. Who knows when it started, but she began her secret relationship with her boss, Vincent, in her mid twenties. Around the time of her divorce and her father dying is when it supposedly started. Her new father figure had arrived. Perhaps her personality disorder was manifesting at this point. Vincent was married. He was her boss. He spoiled Cary, buying her expensive shoes, jewelry and who knows what else. He liked taking her away on trips behind his wife's back. It seems to me this started before her divorce. What are the chances she was faithful (while her ex thought her to be cheating with her boss) and then after the divorce they start a relationship? Is it that she cannot help herself? Welcome to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. When she feels unloved, not valid, not good enough, not desired, she gets that validation from men. Sex to be precise. The chances that she cheated on her ex husband are very high. Everything is about her needs. Everything.
So, she meets me. Supposedly I turn her head. She sees me as her rescuer. The man who could possibly make her dreams come true. Her new identity is being created. She picks me over him. She talks about a baby. Searching for that thing to make her complete, she thinks she finds it on my path. Who knows how long it took but I am sure she was back in his arms whenever she needed something. To fill that void inside her. Before we went exclusive, she had sexual escapades with me, her boss, Carl, Bobby the bass player, as well as one night stands with others. How many do I not know about? She cybered online with men. She drank excessively. She loved to spend money. A trainwreck waiting to happen. She started modeling again with my help and spawned two modeling identities: one good and one bad so to say. A makeup artist portfolio. A jewelry line. Always needing to do something more to fill up her life that felt so empty to her. I was not enough for her. Neither was the modeling. The boss wasn't either. A term like contentment was foreign to her. Comfort was not preferred. Only drama and chaos: what she has been used to her entire life.
Self medicating with pills to combat depression, she refused therapy. She mixed them with pain killers, muscle relaxers, topamax for migraine prevention, medicine for her bladder, IBS, reflux and who knows what else. She became a zombie. By the time she went off of her depression meds cold turkey for four days, the cracks split wide open. This person, who was inside the whole time, was now out. The identity she had with me could no longer be sustained. Her emotions always a whirlwind due to her bpd, she was not sure she loved me anymore. Later, of course, she did. But it was too late.
While on a break, she went off with Vincent. I found out. Like with most things, she lied. And lied. Finally admitting to it, this person was quite evident to me. She was selfish. Self serving and self absorbed. Petty. Angry. Vindictive. Full of hate. No remorse or empathy. No conscience coming through. Justifying her behaviors and lies. Needing attention always. She became worse on the modelmayhem forums, drawing attention to herself every minute she could. Cruel to me, trying to make me jealous and angry. Refusing to call Emily back to say goodbye. Contacting me for silly reasons. Angry when I began to ignore her. Paranoid about me and her ex-husband. She will keep cycling. Up then down. Happy then sad. Even when she is happy for a short time, she is still filled with those voices of criticism. She is still empty inside. Blaming me for not giving her a baby, for not attending to her needs or paying enough attention to her, she absolved herself of any blame or responsibility. She will continue to act like this. Even calling herself the nickname I called her, kitty to people. I am sure she calls other guys the nickname she called me.
This is who she is. This is what she is. Broken. And I cannot fix her. No one can. She will be like this forever. The girl with the broken smile.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
More Reflections
Well, its been two months now. A lot has gone through my mind. Thoughts spinning around like a tornado. About her. About us. About her and Vincent. About me. About my childhood. Those wounds of abandonment, self worth, not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not feeling loved just ripped right open with this breakup. Being borderline, Carrie really made me feel like the most important thing in the world. Idealized. I was strong. She felt safe and secure. I was handsome, attractive, a sexual god. I was funny, creative, smart and talented. When she left, I feel like all of those things went with her. I was none of those things anymore. Well, at least for awhile I wasn't. I am starting to find all of those things again. I was all of these things before she came along. I am certainly all of those things now that she's out of my life. I am still smart. I have a Masters degree now. People usually come to me for my knowledge and advice. I am creative and talented. I do great pictures still without her and am continuing my photography and art. I am still handsome and attractive. I am still good in bed. I am still strong and can make people feel safe around me. I am still funny and make people laugh. She may have awakened those things in me but now it is up to me to awaken them.
She is simply not worth being in my life. Carrie is a dishonest person. She always has been. Lied to me for years that Vincent was Tony. Lied to me about the men she saw when we were first together and I wonder how many I never knew about. She made lies to cover up her own shame and regrets. Carrie has little self esteem and low self worth. She does not like herself inside. Sad and depressed, she relies on new medications always to solve her problems. Her moods go up and down to extremes. Never satisfied with anything or anyone in her life, she is always looking for something to fill that void inside of her. Her emotions are always in flux. She does not know who she is. And she uses and manipulates to get whatever she needs at the time. She has no idea what real love is. Everything is about her. Everything is about her needs. Self centered and self absorbed. Toxic.
It's a good thing she's out of my life. Everything would be about her. She would just do this to me again. Hurt me. I would never be able to trust her. She cannot even trust herself. Broken. And no one can fix her. She will never get better. She will always be like this. Unhappy. Sad, dead eyes that I have seen lately. The Carrie I know is gone forever. This new one has taken her place. Perhaps, the real her all along. The mask she wore for me has been shattered. She's been exposed. And this ideal I had of her is now gone. Goodbye.
She is simply not worth being in my life. Carrie is a dishonest person. She always has been. Lied to me for years that Vincent was Tony. Lied to me about the men she saw when we were first together and I wonder how many I never knew about. She made lies to cover up her own shame and regrets. Carrie has little self esteem and low self worth. She does not like herself inside. Sad and depressed, she relies on new medications always to solve her problems. Her moods go up and down to extremes. Never satisfied with anything or anyone in her life, she is always looking for something to fill that void inside of her. Her emotions are always in flux. She does not know who she is. And she uses and manipulates to get whatever she needs at the time. She has no idea what real love is. Everything is about her. Everything is about her needs. Self centered and self absorbed. Toxic.
It's a good thing she's out of my life. Everything would be about her. She would just do this to me again. Hurt me. I would never be able to trust her. She cannot even trust herself. Broken. And no one can fix her. She will never get better. She will always be like this. Unhappy. Sad, dead eyes that I have seen lately. The Carrie I know is gone forever. This new one has taken her place. Perhaps, the real her all along. The mask she wore for me has been shattered. She's been exposed. And this ideal I had of her is now gone. Goodbye.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Open Letter to Carrie
She'll never read this. No one she knows will. Except me. This is for me.
Carrie,
I want to forgive you. Right now, I can't. I understand, even if you don't, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. This started as a child and manifested in your late teen years/early adulthood. You need to be the center of attention. You crave attention and fish for compliments. You always had to be assured that I loved you. You cannot regulate your emotions. One day you love me, one day you don't. One day you hate me. Why? Because you hate yourself some days. You are never satisfied and are bored easily. You are hypersexual one day, non sexual the next. You are prone to cheat since you feel you are entitled to it. You are prone to an overuse of alcohol and prescription drugs for your ailments. You are the damsel in distress who does not want to be saved deep down. Far more comfortable with the chaos than you are the calm. It's what you know. It's what makes you feel alive. Constantly battling the choppy waters, never swimming to shore. Low self esteem and self worth. A lack of identity. You mirror those around you to become what they want or expect you to be. Childlike in your emotions: refusing to talk about them, instead you act on them. Common sense, morals and ethics are just words to you. There is no real remorse. Everything you do or have done is justified. There is no blame for you to take. You hate yourself inside. You have unresolved issues with your parents. Acting them out in your adult relationships instead. This is why you have a Daddy complex. Each man in your life you deem special is your Daddy again in one way or another. It's what you called me. I am sure it is what you call others. You have deep shame inside of you. Depression. Dysmorphic disorder. It comes from this. Borderline with histrionic and narcissistic traits. The constant push/pull with me: pull me close when you need me, push me away when it gets too much. A fear of intimacy. A fear of commitment. No wonder you always said that we could never live together. If I found out how you really were, I would leave you one day. Abandon you. I could not see you like this. No one can. You keep it from everyone. You get your validation, sadly, from men. Flirting, attention, sex. It gives you temporary worth. You love, not like I do, but you love based on need. What or who you need at the time to feel whole. You need to be loved more than you need to love. You use, manipulate and control to get what you want. Part of you wanted me to control aspects of your life. The other part resented me for it. I saw rage inside of you over small matters. Things that were in the past. Splitting. Everything is black or white with you. Good or evil. There is no middle ground. No grey area. Some days I will be all bad to you. Some days I will be good. Who knows? I know you need to blame me now. It's how you survive.
I understand who you are now.
As far as Vincent goes, of course you ran to him after we broke up. I have a strong feeling you ran to him when you felt neglected by me. If you felt like I did not love you or was going to end up leaving you one day. You feel you are entitled to happiness. To the sex and attention he gives you. To the material things he buys for you. Jimmy Choo shoes, purses, jewelry, even landscaping and sprinklers. Money left on your nightstand or handed to you when you are upset. It just makes me think of you as a whore. He is unobtainable to you. Safe. He will not leave his wife for good. He does not have to scare you by loving you so much. There is no big commitment from him. There can be none from you. It is a safe situation for your psyche. I feel bad for the next guy. Vincent will always be there in an inappropriate capacity. No wonder I was never allowed to come to a company Christmas party. No wonder I was left out and lied to about the Venetian Room dinners. I am sure there was no picture of us in your office. You can't go on disrupting your relationship with Vincent (or at least the possibility of one). Or when you need him. You actually let this man, a former lover, whose picture you kept in a heart frame, in your house when I was not there to "fix something." How stupid do you think I am? Now that I know the truth anyway. You lied to me about who he was for five years. You lied about so much. Even when I caught you at the end, you lied. And lied again. And again until finally admitting to it. You railed against your ex husband for cheating on you. But, you cheated on every man you have been with long term, including me I'm sure. You hated the woman he cheated with. But, you are the other woman in your boss' marriage. You used to criticize those who cheated, saying it was the worst thing you could do in a r/s. That the women your boss was with were sluts and whores. Well, looks like you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known. Congratulations. And did you show remorse to me? No. You said you were sorry I got hurt. That was it. Justified everything else though. And now, I am the one to blame for all of this. I deserved this in your eyes. You will convince yourself, and others of this. It's how you'll sleep at night. It's how you survive.
I didn't deserve this. I loved you. I took care of you. I encouraged you. I thought you beautiful inside and out and told you all the time. It did not matter to me if you were 150 lbs. or 115 lbs. I made you the center of my art. Was I perfect? Far from it. I have control issues. I have codependent issues. But, I did not deserve this. No one does. I do not want you in my life. This is why I told you repeatedly that I wanted no contact. You have broken this a number of times in different ways. You have tried to make me jealous, angry. I told you I would never take you back. Ever. There is no trust anymore. I cannot look at you the same way again. You got flirty with me. Nope. Not even for one night. It's over. I loved you so much. I placed you on a pedestal and put your needs above my own all the time. A baby? Well, if you had one serious conversation with me about it, I would be all for it. I said this in the past. But you have changed your mind so many times. You started dropping hints and making jokes. I made jokes back. It's what we did all the time with everything. You wanted to do this since you got depressed again. It was not the best time for that decision. Not with all the pills and lack of therapy. You want to fill this void inside you. You constantly search for something to fill that void you have had since childhood. A marriage. A baby. A man to make you happy. It cannot ever happen until you are happy with yourself. You seek an identity. You don't know who you are but think that this new subsumed identity (you, me and baby) will make you happy. And you hate me for not giving this to you. You will come to hate me for many reasons. You told me once, early on, to run away from you. You told me on numerous occasions that you were nuts and unstable. That you could never be the gf that I deserved. I should have listened. You should have let me go those many times instead of begging me back. You did not want to be alone. Your needs. At the end of the day, that is what mattered most. It is what will matter most for the rest of your life.
This letter will never be sent. It will fall on deaf ears. You will not believe any of this. I know this to be true. A counselor, a psych professor, a colleague and myself all came to the same exact conclusion separately. Borderline issues. You say you want to get therapy but I do not believe that to be true. I think you only told me that so you can test the waters. See if I was receptive to taking you back one day. I am not. You will continue to be in denial for many years to come. Maybe the rest of your life. The important thing for me is to worry about myself and Emily. To become a better person and father from all of this. To find that happiness inside of me without relying on someone else to provide it or bring it out. One day I know I will forgive you. One day.
Al
Carrie,
I want to forgive you. Right now, I can't. I understand, even if you don't, that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. This started as a child and manifested in your late teen years/early adulthood. You need to be the center of attention. You crave attention and fish for compliments. You always had to be assured that I loved you. You cannot regulate your emotions. One day you love me, one day you don't. One day you hate me. Why? Because you hate yourself some days. You are never satisfied and are bored easily. You are hypersexual one day, non sexual the next. You are prone to cheat since you feel you are entitled to it. You are prone to an overuse of alcohol and prescription drugs for your ailments. You are the damsel in distress who does not want to be saved deep down. Far more comfortable with the chaos than you are the calm. It's what you know. It's what makes you feel alive. Constantly battling the choppy waters, never swimming to shore. Low self esteem and self worth. A lack of identity. You mirror those around you to become what they want or expect you to be. Childlike in your emotions: refusing to talk about them, instead you act on them. Common sense, morals and ethics are just words to you. There is no real remorse. Everything you do or have done is justified. There is no blame for you to take. You hate yourself inside. You have unresolved issues with your parents. Acting them out in your adult relationships instead. This is why you have a Daddy complex. Each man in your life you deem special is your Daddy again in one way or another. It's what you called me. I am sure it is what you call others. You have deep shame inside of you. Depression. Dysmorphic disorder. It comes from this. Borderline with histrionic and narcissistic traits. The constant push/pull with me: pull me close when you need me, push me away when it gets too much. A fear of intimacy. A fear of commitment. No wonder you always said that we could never live together. If I found out how you really were, I would leave you one day. Abandon you. I could not see you like this. No one can. You keep it from everyone. You get your validation, sadly, from men. Flirting, attention, sex. It gives you temporary worth. You love, not like I do, but you love based on need. What or who you need at the time to feel whole. You need to be loved more than you need to love. You use, manipulate and control to get what you want. Part of you wanted me to control aspects of your life. The other part resented me for it. I saw rage inside of you over small matters. Things that were in the past. Splitting. Everything is black or white with you. Good or evil. There is no middle ground. No grey area. Some days I will be all bad to you. Some days I will be good. Who knows? I know you need to blame me now. It's how you survive.
I understand who you are now.
As far as Vincent goes, of course you ran to him after we broke up. I have a strong feeling you ran to him when you felt neglected by me. If you felt like I did not love you or was going to end up leaving you one day. You feel you are entitled to happiness. To the sex and attention he gives you. To the material things he buys for you. Jimmy Choo shoes, purses, jewelry, even landscaping and sprinklers. Money left on your nightstand or handed to you when you are upset. It just makes me think of you as a whore. He is unobtainable to you. Safe. He will not leave his wife for good. He does not have to scare you by loving you so much. There is no big commitment from him. There can be none from you. It is a safe situation for your psyche. I feel bad for the next guy. Vincent will always be there in an inappropriate capacity. No wonder I was never allowed to come to a company Christmas party. No wonder I was left out and lied to about the Venetian Room dinners. I am sure there was no picture of us in your office. You can't go on disrupting your relationship with Vincent (or at least the possibility of one). Or when you need him. You actually let this man, a former lover, whose picture you kept in a heart frame, in your house when I was not there to "fix something." How stupid do you think I am? Now that I know the truth anyway. You lied to me about who he was for five years. You lied about so much. Even when I caught you at the end, you lied. And lied again. And again until finally admitting to it. You railed against your ex husband for cheating on you. But, you cheated on every man you have been with long term, including me I'm sure. You hated the woman he cheated with. But, you are the other woman in your boss' marriage. You used to criticize those who cheated, saying it was the worst thing you could do in a r/s. That the women your boss was with were sluts and whores. Well, looks like you are the biggest hypocrite I have ever known. Congratulations. And did you show remorse to me? No. You said you were sorry I got hurt. That was it. Justified everything else though. And now, I am the one to blame for all of this. I deserved this in your eyes. You will convince yourself, and others of this. It's how you'll sleep at night. It's how you survive.
I didn't deserve this. I loved you. I took care of you. I encouraged you. I thought you beautiful inside and out and told you all the time. It did not matter to me if you were 150 lbs. or 115 lbs. I made you the center of my art. Was I perfect? Far from it. I have control issues. I have codependent issues. But, I did not deserve this. No one does. I do not want you in my life. This is why I told you repeatedly that I wanted no contact. You have broken this a number of times in different ways. You have tried to make me jealous, angry. I told you I would never take you back. Ever. There is no trust anymore. I cannot look at you the same way again. You got flirty with me. Nope. Not even for one night. It's over. I loved you so much. I placed you on a pedestal and put your needs above my own all the time. A baby? Well, if you had one serious conversation with me about it, I would be all for it. I said this in the past. But you have changed your mind so many times. You started dropping hints and making jokes. I made jokes back. It's what we did all the time with everything. You wanted to do this since you got depressed again. It was not the best time for that decision. Not with all the pills and lack of therapy. You want to fill this void inside you. You constantly search for something to fill that void you have had since childhood. A marriage. A baby. A man to make you happy. It cannot ever happen until you are happy with yourself. You seek an identity. You don't know who you are but think that this new subsumed identity (you, me and baby) will make you happy. And you hate me for not giving this to you. You will come to hate me for many reasons. You told me once, early on, to run away from you. You told me on numerous occasions that you were nuts and unstable. That you could never be the gf that I deserved. I should have listened. You should have let me go those many times instead of begging me back. You did not want to be alone. Your needs. At the end of the day, that is what mattered most. It is what will matter most for the rest of your life.
This letter will never be sent. It will fall on deaf ears. You will not believe any of this. I know this to be true. A counselor, a psych professor, a colleague and myself all came to the same exact conclusion separately. Borderline issues. You say you want to get therapy but I do not believe that to be true. I think you only told me that so you can test the waters. See if I was receptive to taking you back one day. I am not. You will continue to be in denial for many years to come. Maybe the rest of your life. The important thing for me is to worry about myself and Emily. To become a better person and father from all of this. To find that happiness inside of me without relying on someone else to provide it or bring it out. One day I know I will forgive you. One day.
Al
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Inappropriate Behaviors and Red Flags
I want to compile a list for myself - easy reference when I need it.
1. we met on an adult dating site
2. she stayed on the adult dating site even when things were going good for us
3. she insisted on seeing other people and slutted around too much
4. she went overboard with flirting online
5. she went overboard with one night stands and justified it all
6. she warned me to "run away" from her, that she was not good for me
7. even after she fell in love with me, she still was undecided between me and Vincent
8. she was willing to forgo a normal, budding, exciting relationship for one that was a part time r/s where she was the other woman, was spoiled, made to feel like a prostitute at times
9. she once said she felt like hurting herself after I broke up with her
10. she used to drink to excess, once to a point that a photographer groped her, performed oral on her
11. she was willing to keep that shame secret so I could learn photography
12. she was all too willing to try anything sexually
13. she wanted to have sex with me on the first date
14. when I did not want her to see my old apartment and refused sex, she took that as rejection of her and broke things off with me
15. she detaches from her feelings and people as survival tools
16. she has said she does not believe people could be monogamous
17. she cheated on past boyfriends - Mark, Rich, Mike, etc.
18. she justified her cheating while railing against her ex husband's infidelity
19. she never came to terms with her marriage and divorce - a lot of anger and rage
20. she saw sex as a technical act and only to achieve orgasm
21. she used to masturbate just to get an orgasm while watching tv - nothing sexual about it
22. she saw sex as a tool - seduction, get what she wants, revenge, etc.
23. she lied about many things, even continued to lie after I was done with the r/s
24. she lied about the Venetian Room dinner and kept me away on purpose
25. she cybered with someone on Valentine's Day, then went to make us dinner
26. she would flirt, dress sexy to get attention from men, even if she said they were pervs
27. she needed to be constantly reassured I loved her, thought she was sexy
28. she could not leave the house without makeup
29. she had a hard time letting me see her without makeup
30. she used "our pictures" or a picture she took just for me to lure other guys over to her place when we could still see other people (and lied about it)
31. she sent pictures of herself to guys she knew to get their praise and attention
32. she did not like it if I got jealous but got quite jealous herself
33. she exaggerated stories about me to her mother to justify our breakups
34. she kept me away from her job and Vincent, admitted recently she could not handle us meeting
35. she tried to always get me jealous by telling me stories about men who wanted her, flirted with her, etc. - make herself more desirable in my eyes
36. she was always confused about her feelings - very bpd
37. even after I was hurt bad, she made it all about her and her problems with Rich
38. when I dropped off the dog gate, she got flirty with me, made it about her and how good she looks
39. she was uncompromising about her house and living space
40. hypersexual at times, non sexual other times - complete opposites
41. never content, always open to new sexual highs with me
42. big commitment issues and trust issues
43. self centered and self absorbed always
44. she used to turn conversations around so they were about her
45. at the end of the day, her needs were most important
46. she felt rejected and criticized over the smallest of things
47. she felt rejected if I told her not to stress about work so much
48. she bad mouthed people all the time including friends and co-workers - splitting
49. she felt entitled to whatever she wanted
50. she vilified her ex for cheating but was the other woman in another marriage
51. she justified her relationship with Vincent
52. she shows very little empathy and remorse towards me and others
53. she always fished for compliments
54. she paid too much attention to her makeup, hair, etc. and nothing for the inside
55. she was too materialistic deep down
56. she made threats to leave and go home if things were not good
57. she was threatened by my female friends as well as hers
58. she embellishes and exaggerates stories
59. she overused pills for all her ailments
60. she would always have physical problems - neck, back, knee, bladder, IBS, migraines, stress management was poor, headaches, reflux, etc.
61. she refused therapy
62. she was suicidal in her youth and hurt herself
63. she liked to be smacked in the face during sex
64. no sense of who she is
65. she could not talk about feelings or her issues
66. she often played victim but ragged on others who do the same
67. she was dramatic
68. she never called Emily back to say goodbye, was hesitant when Em wanted to say bye
69. ignored my family - no email bye - distant to Rich, Lisa and Mom when she came to Disney
70. displays "look at me" behavior all the time, online as well
71. her emotions and actions were childlike and impulsive
72. intimacy issues, Daddy issues
73. in denial about things all the time
74. when she hurt me with Vincent, everything was none of my business, concern anymore
75. she had a different face for everyone - lack of identity
76. very low self esteem and worth - needs validation from men to feel good
77. used to brag about how men loved her, proposed to her, wanted to buy her a house, etc.
78. splitting - good or bad, no gray area
79. admitted to being a nutjob, nutball, unstable, has problems, feels she is entitled to having issues
80. changes her persona to make her mate happy
81. never enough attention for her, never satisfied - lived almost in a fantasy world
82. a user deep down - for her needs
83. she needed to be loved more than she loved
84. she ran away from me to avoid emotional pain, deleted us from her life
85. break up with me, then want me back to avoid being alone
86. when I got too close, she would push me away
87. she wanted a honeymoon phase to last forever
88. when we saw others, she had unprotected sex and lied about it
89. she gave me an std
90. she reveled in competition for her affections
91. she felt superior to everyone
92. she broke no contact with me a number of times, then pulls back
1. we met on an adult dating site
2. she stayed on the adult dating site even when things were going good for us
3. she insisted on seeing other people and slutted around too much
4. she went overboard with flirting online
5. she went overboard with one night stands and justified it all
6. she warned me to "run away" from her, that she was not good for me
7. even after she fell in love with me, she still was undecided between me and Vincent
8. she was willing to forgo a normal, budding, exciting relationship for one that was a part time r/s where she was the other woman, was spoiled, made to feel like a prostitute at times
9. she once said she felt like hurting herself after I broke up with her
10. she used to drink to excess, once to a point that a photographer groped her, performed oral on her
11. she was willing to keep that shame secret so I could learn photography
12. she was all too willing to try anything sexually
13. she wanted to have sex with me on the first date
14. when I did not want her to see my old apartment and refused sex, she took that as rejection of her and broke things off with me
15. she detaches from her feelings and people as survival tools
16. she has said she does not believe people could be monogamous
17. she cheated on past boyfriends - Mark, Rich, Mike, etc.
18. she justified her cheating while railing against her ex husband's infidelity
19. she never came to terms with her marriage and divorce - a lot of anger and rage
20. she saw sex as a technical act and only to achieve orgasm
21. she used to masturbate just to get an orgasm while watching tv - nothing sexual about it
22. she saw sex as a tool - seduction, get what she wants, revenge, etc.
23. she lied about many things, even continued to lie after I was done with the r/s
24. she lied about the Venetian Room dinner and kept me away on purpose
25. she cybered with someone on Valentine's Day, then went to make us dinner
26. she would flirt, dress sexy to get attention from men, even if she said they were pervs
27. she needed to be constantly reassured I loved her, thought she was sexy
28. she could not leave the house without makeup
29. she had a hard time letting me see her without makeup
30. she used "our pictures" or a picture she took just for me to lure other guys over to her place when we could still see other people (and lied about it)
31. she sent pictures of herself to guys she knew to get their praise and attention
32. she did not like it if I got jealous but got quite jealous herself
33. she exaggerated stories about me to her mother to justify our breakups
34. she kept me away from her job and Vincent, admitted recently she could not handle us meeting
35. she tried to always get me jealous by telling me stories about men who wanted her, flirted with her, etc. - make herself more desirable in my eyes
36. she was always confused about her feelings - very bpd
37. even after I was hurt bad, she made it all about her and her problems with Rich
38. when I dropped off the dog gate, she got flirty with me, made it about her and how good she looks
39. she was uncompromising about her house and living space
40. hypersexual at times, non sexual other times - complete opposites
41. never content, always open to new sexual highs with me
42. big commitment issues and trust issues
43. self centered and self absorbed always
44. she used to turn conversations around so they were about her
45. at the end of the day, her needs were most important
46. she felt rejected and criticized over the smallest of things
47. she felt rejected if I told her not to stress about work so much
48. she bad mouthed people all the time including friends and co-workers - splitting
49. she felt entitled to whatever she wanted
50. she vilified her ex for cheating but was the other woman in another marriage
51. she justified her relationship with Vincent
52. she shows very little empathy and remorse towards me and others
53. she always fished for compliments
54. she paid too much attention to her makeup, hair, etc. and nothing for the inside
55. she was too materialistic deep down
56. she made threats to leave and go home if things were not good
57. she was threatened by my female friends as well as hers
58. she embellishes and exaggerates stories
59. she overused pills for all her ailments
60. she would always have physical problems - neck, back, knee, bladder, IBS, migraines, stress management was poor, headaches, reflux, etc.
61. she refused therapy
62. she was suicidal in her youth and hurt herself
63. she liked to be smacked in the face during sex
64. no sense of who she is
65. she could not talk about feelings or her issues
66. she often played victim but ragged on others who do the same
67. she was dramatic
68. she never called Emily back to say goodbye, was hesitant when Em wanted to say bye
69. ignored my family - no email bye - distant to Rich, Lisa and Mom when she came to Disney
70. displays "look at me" behavior all the time, online as well
71. her emotions and actions were childlike and impulsive
72. intimacy issues, Daddy issues
73. in denial about things all the time
74. when she hurt me with Vincent, everything was none of my business, concern anymore
75. she had a different face for everyone - lack of identity
76. very low self esteem and worth - needs validation from men to feel good
77. used to brag about how men loved her, proposed to her, wanted to buy her a house, etc.
78. splitting - good or bad, no gray area
79. admitted to being a nutjob, nutball, unstable, has problems, feels she is entitled to having issues
80. changes her persona to make her mate happy
81. never enough attention for her, never satisfied - lived almost in a fantasy world
82. a user deep down - for her needs
83. she needed to be loved more than she loved
84. she ran away from me to avoid emotional pain, deleted us from her life
85. break up with me, then want me back to avoid being alone
86. when I got too close, she would push me away
87. she wanted a honeymoon phase to last forever
88. when we saw others, she had unprotected sex and lied about it
89. she gave me an std
90. she reveled in competition for her affections
91. she felt superior to everyone
92. she broke no contact with me a number of times, then pulls back
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Blame Game
Sure, Rain has problems.
She is a Borderline. She has histrionic and narcissistic traits. She has to be the center of attention. She craves attention to the point of flirting and attracting others. She uses people. Her emotions are always in flux. Up and down. She seeks perfection in someone else to make up for her own imperfect life. She wants someone to fill that Daddy role. Rain has a void inside her that can never be filled. She is that coffee cup that has cracks in the bottom. No one can fill that cup enough with love, compliments, compassion. It will always leak, her longing for more. She cannot feel valid, have self worth or much self esteem unless someone else is giving that to her. Unhappy with herself, not loving or even liking the person she is inside. At the end of the day, it's all about her. Selfish and self absorbed. Uses to get what she needs. Used me for years for sex, love, friendship, companionship, modeling, etc. Used her boss for sex, companionship, friendship, money, her landscaping, etc. Who knows where love lies there? She is so confused all the time, she probably does not know what real love is herself. And that goes for how she feels about me. She whored herself out to her boss in order to get things. We were done. On the break. A few days later, she starts to have big problems in her yard and sprinklers. Here comes her boss to save the day. It starts to get done and she involves herself in home decorating. She gives herself over and has her secret, late night visits. Then they go away for the weekend. I find out. I end things on my end. She is embarrassed, humiliated. People at her work find out, as well as the cheater's wife. Now, he's gone...for the time being. She got what she needed out of him. A user to the end. And what about infidelity? Did she cheat? Physically? Emotionally? I will never know. All I know is that she is a liar. She asked if I lost all respect for her. I said yes, yes I did. She will never be happy until she loves herself; is happy with herself. But, that is not my problem anymore.
Where is my blame?
I don't mean the things I did in the relationship. Sure, I was a good boyfriend. I was supportive, loving and faithful. But, I mean beyond that. Where is my blame? I have to accept part of this. I allowed myself to be treated this way. I allowed her to get away with her actions. I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not good for me in many ways. I thought I could fix her. Manipulate the relationship. Control it. Dominate it if necessary. Change her mind, her behavior. No. The only one I can change is myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way I knew was unacceptable to me.
The first months of the relationship:
1. I allowed myself to stay with a girl who was slutting around. She had various one night stands and was out of control. I broke it off but took her back.
2. I stayed with her, even though I felt used, self conscious, on the hook, on a waiting list wanting her attention, there for her at her call, etc.
3. I allowed myself to stay in competition for her with "Tony", really her boss, Vincent.
4. Even after she told me her feelings, I allowed myself to stay in this decision till XMas, a month later.
5. I took her back within a week of our first breakup, five weeks after we met. I allowed this behavior.
The next phase till the first big breakup
1. I allowed myself to feel emasculated and used when she flirted/cybered with some guy on myspace. On fucking Valentines Day even. She apologized and apologized and of course, I stayed.
2. I allowed myself to stay when I felt I knew the truth about Vincent/Tony. I believed her lies because I wanted to believe them.
3. I allowed myself to stay even when she had blow ups about any criticism that went her way. I knew she was volatile.
4. I stayed when she was back and forth about me that next year and months after her car accident.
5. I stayed after an incident with a photographer that to this day I will never know what really happened.
The getting back together to the end
1. I allowed myself to take her back, even though I knew she was bad for me. She broke up with me after three dates. Took her back. After five weeks. Took her back. A few day hiatus the next year. Took her back. Broke up with her, took her back. It goes on and on and on. The broken record keeps playing.
2. I stayed even though she broke her promise about the counselor. Who knows if she even went?
3. I stayed when she was in denial about her problems and refused help.
4. I stayed, knowing she was self medicating and mixing pills.
5. I stayed after I found out I was left out of the dinner at the restaurant (to supposedly keep her work and personal life separate). Tears and promises kept me hooked.
6. I stayed even though I never fully trusted her.
7. I stayed through all the times she would try and make me jealous.
8. I stayed through all of the pushing away she did. She was uncompromising about her house, her living space, her privacy. I stayed after I found the picture of her and Vincent in her underwear drawer.
9. I stayed through all of her mood swings, zombie like state on meds, etc.
10. I stayed even though I saw red flags over the years. I knew she had issues.
11. I was willing to stay during our break and we all know how that ended.
I accept my blame in staying in this relationship. I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. So, I need to work on those issues I have that made me stay with her. Why I believed her lies. Why I put all of my happiness in this r/s when it should have been inside of me the entire time.
She is a Borderline. She has histrionic and narcissistic traits. She has to be the center of attention. She craves attention to the point of flirting and attracting others. She uses people. Her emotions are always in flux. Up and down. She seeks perfection in someone else to make up for her own imperfect life. She wants someone to fill that Daddy role. Rain has a void inside her that can never be filled. She is that coffee cup that has cracks in the bottom. No one can fill that cup enough with love, compliments, compassion. It will always leak, her longing for more. She cannot feel valid, have self worth or much self esteem unless someone else is giving that to her. Unhappy with herself, not loving or even liking the person she is inside. At the end of the day, it's all about her. Selfish and self absorbed. Uses to get what she needs. Used me for years for sex, love, friendship, companionship, modeling, etc. Used her boss for sex, companionship, friendship, money, her landscaping, etc. Who knows where love lies there? She is so confused all the time, she probably does not know what real love is herself. And that goes for how she feels about me. She whored herself out to her boss in order to get things. We were done. On the break. A few days later, she starts to have big problems in her yard and sprinklers. Here comes her boss to save the day. It starts to get done and she involves herself in home decorating. She gives herself over and has her secret, late night visits. Then they go away for the weekend. I find out. I end things on my end. She is embarrassed, humiliated. People at her work find out, as well as the cheater's wife. Now, he's gone...for the time being. She got what she needed out of him. A user to the end. And what about infidelity? Did she cheat? Physically? Emotionally? I will never know. All I know is that she is a liar. She asked if I lost all respect for her. I said yes, yes I did. She will never be happy until she loves herself; is happy with herself. But, that is not my problem anymore.
Where is my blame?
I don't mean the things I did in the relationship. Sure, I was a good boyfriend. I was supportive, loving and faithful. But, I mean beyond that. Where is my blame? I have to accept part of this. I allowed myself to be treated this way. I allowed her to get away with her actions. I stayed in a relationship that I knew was not good for me in many ways. I thought I could fix her. Manipulate the relationship. Control it. Dominate it if necessary. Change her mind, her behavior. No. The only one I can change is myself. I allowed myself to be treated in a way I knew was unacceptable to me.
The first months of the relationship:
1. I allowed myself to stay with a girl who was slutting around. She had various one night stands and was out of control. I broke it off but took her back.
2. I stayed with her, even though I felt used, self conscious, on the hook, on a waiting list wanting her attention, there for her at her call, etc.
3. I allowed myself to stay in competition for her with "Tony", really her boss, Vincent.
4. Even after she told me her feelings, I allowed myself to stay in this decision till XMas, a month later.
5. I took her back within a week of our first breakup, five weeks after we met. I allowed this behavior.
The next phase till the first big breakup
1. I allowed myself to feel emasculated and used when she flirted/cybered with some guy on myspace. On fucking Valentines Day even. She apologized and apologized and of course, I stayed.
2. I allowed myself to stay when I felt I knew the truth about Vincent/Tony. I believed her lies because I wanted to believe them.
3. I allowed myself to stay even when she had blow ups about any criticism that went her way. I knew she was volatile.
4. I stayed when she was back and forth about me that next year and months after her car accident.
5. I stayed after an incident with a photographer that to this day I will never know what really happened.
The getting back together to the end
1. I allowed myself to take her back, even though I knew she was bad for me. She broke up with me after three dates. Took her back. After five weeks. Took her back. A few day hiatus the next year. Took her back. Broke up with her, took her back. It goes on and on and on. The broken record keeps playing.
2. I stayed even though she broke her promise about the counselor. Who knows if she even went?
3. I stayed when she was in denial about her problems and refused help.
4. I stayed, knowing she was self medicating and mixing pills.
5. I stayed after I found out I was left out of the dinner at the restaurant (to supposedly keep her work and personal life separate). Tears and promises kept me hooked.
6. I stayed even though I never fully trusted her.
7. I stayed through all the times she would try and make me jealous.
8. I stayed through all of the pushing away she did. She was uncompromising about her house, her living space, her privacy. I stayed after I found the picture of her and Vincent in her underwear drawer.
9. I stayed through all of her mood swings, zombie like state on meds, etc.
10. I stayed even though I saw red flags over the years. I knew she had issues.
11. I was willing to stay during our break and we all know how that ended.
I accept my blame in staying in this relationship. I was trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. So, I need to work on those issues I have that made me stay with her. Why I believed her lies. Why I put all of my happiness in this r/s when it should have been inside of me the entire time.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
The saying is true. So true.
Ever since I told Rain, "It's okay, I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie," things have gone a little wacky in Rainland. Add onto that, I ignored her last email where she thanked me for the prints I dropped off (told her it was not necessary to thank me and contact me a week ago.....wow...I really said that a lot to her) and ignored the fact that she left me a comment on my new pin up (what does the words no contact mean to you sweetie).
Rain is displeased.
Since then, she has gone on the forums (knowing I was there) talking about how she and some of the other girls need to troll for men.
I just smiled and shook my head. I mean, come on. If she was truly at peace with her decision and happy with the direction of her life, would she really say something like this? I could not imagine doing that to her and she was the one who walked. Just immature. Something I think a high school girl would do to get attention from her ex bf. Is she trying to make me jealous? Mad? Maybe a little of "see what you don't get to have now?"
She went on....talking about how they should go to fairvilla, some halloween costume shops, etc. Things the two of us did exclusively. Just on and on and on like a broken record out to make a point. Get a reaction out of me.
It shocked me, but to be honest, really shouldn't surprise me. I remember her bragging years ago about being subtle, then flirty with me, etc. "I got you back didn't I?", she said with pride. How she prided herself on getting any guy she wanted. Well, sweetie, I am not any guy. I am ignoring your crazy ass. It's funny, she used to say about my ex-wife, "you can't hide the crazy forever."
How true that is Rain. How true.
It really makes it that much easier to move on and get away from her.
Ever since I told Rain, "It's okay, I can find another girl who looks good in lingerie," things have gone a little wacky in Rainland. Add onto that, I ignored her last email where she thanked me for the prints I dropped off (told her it was not necessary to thank me and contact me a week ago.....wow...I really said that a lot to her) and ignored the fact that she left me a comment on my new pin up (what does the words no contact mean to you sweetie).
Rain is displeased.
Since then, she has gone on the forums (knowing I was there) talking about how she and some of the other girls need to troll for men.
I just smiled and shook my head. I mean, come on. If she was truly at peace with her decision and happy with the direction of her life, would she really say something like this? I could not imagine doing that to her and she was the one who walked. Just immature. Something I think a high school girl would do to get attention from her ex bf. Is she trying to make me jealous? Mad? Maybe a little of "see what you don't get to have now?"
She went on....talking about how they should go to fairvilla, some halloween costume shops, etc. Things the two of us did exclusively. Just on and on and on like a broken record out to make a point. Get a reaction out of me.
It shocked me, but to be honest, really shouldn't surprise me. I remember her bragging years ago about being subtle, then flirty with me, etc. "I got you back didn't I?", she said with pride. How she prided herself on getting any guy she wanted. Well, sweetie, I am not any guy. I am ignoring your crazy ass. It's funny, she used to say about my ex-wife, "you can't hide the crazy forever."
How true that is Rain. How true.
It really makes it that much easier to move on and get away from her.
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