More Reflections

Well, its been two months now. A lot has gone through my mind. Thoughts spinning around like a tornado. About her. About us. About her and Vincent. About me. About my childhood. Those wounds of abandonment, self worth, not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not feeling loved just ripped right open with this breakup. Being borderline, Carrie really made me feel like the most important thing in the world. Idealized. I was strong. She felt safe and secure. I was handsome, attractive, a sexual god. I was funny, creative, smart and talented. When she left, I feel like all of those things went with her. I was none of those things anymore. Well, at least for awhile I wasn't. I am starting to find all of those things again. I was all of these things before she came along. I am certainly all of those things now that she's out of my life. I am still smart. I have a Masters degree now. People usually come to me for my knowledge and advice. I am creative and talented. I do great pictures still without her and am continuing my photography and art. I am still handsome and attractive. I am still good in bed. I am still strong and can make people feel safe around me. I am still funny and make people laugh. She may have awakened those things in me but now it is up to me to awaken them.

She is simply not worth being in my life. Carrie is a dishonest person. She always has been. Lied to me for years that Vincent was Tony. Lied to me about the men she saw when we were first together and I wonder how many I never knew about. She made lies to cover up her own shame and regrets. Carrie has little self esteem and low self worth. She does not like herself inside. Sad and depressed, she relies on new medications always to solve her problems. Her moods go up and down to extremes. Never satisfied with anything or anyone in her life, she is always looking for something to fill that void inside of her. Her emotions are always in flux. She does not know who she is. And she uses and manipulates to get whatever she needs at the time. She has no idea what real love is. Everything is about her. Everything is about her needs. Self centered and self absorbed. Toxic.

It's a good thing she's out of my life. Everything would be about her. She would just do this to me again. Hurt me. I would never be able to trust her. She cannot even trust herself. Broken. And no one can fix her. She will never get better. She will always be like this. Unhappy. Sad, dead eyes that I have seen lately. The Carrie I know is gone forever. This new one has taken her place. Perhaps, the real her all along. The mask she wore for me has been shattered. She's been exposed. And this ideal I had of her is now gone. Goodbye.