It's a valid question.
Who was she? Her name was Cary.
She was beautiful. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I liked her. A smile that could light up the room. I loved her smile. Her laugh was incredible. Her sexual appetite perhaps too much. Then again, it was like that to cover up her pain. She carried around so much emotional pain.
Her father was an alcoholic. They had a strained relationship. Her mother was overly critical of her appearance and made Cary very self conscious in her youth. At 13, she was raped by three boys. The other males in her life were not much better. Her boyfriend Mark in high school beat her up. He was abusive and even blackmailed her. Her ex-husband cheated on her, told her she was fat and unattractive. There is so much I probably don't know. What was she covering up that was not told to me?
Did she also cheat on her ex-husband as he claimed? She did cheat on her boyfriends in high school. She cheated on Mike, her first love while they were in culinary school with his best friend. And she cheated on him constantly. She showed no remorse for it. There seemed to be a lack of conscience. Cheating seemed second nature to her. Why not cheat if she felt entitled to it? She thought all men were cheaters. She had been hurt for years. She hated the other woman in her marriage. It seems she wanted to take some power back for herself. Who knows when it started, but she began her secret relationship with her boss, Vincent, in her mid twenties. Around the time of her divorce and her father dying is when it supposedly started. Her new father figure had arrived. Perhaps her personality disorder was manifesting at this point. Vincent was married. He was her boss. He spoiled Cary, buying her expensive shoes, jewelry and who knows what else. He liked taking her away on trips behind his wife's back. It seems to me this started before her divorce. What are the chances she was faithful (while her ex thought her to be cheating with her boss) and then after the divorce they start a relationship? Is it that she cannot help herself? Welcome to the world of Borderline Personality Disorder. When she feels unloved, not valid, not good enough, not desired, she gets that validation from men. Sex to be precise. The chances that she cheated on her ex husband are very high. Everything is about her needs. Everything.
So, she meets me. Supposedly I turn her head. She sees me as her rescuer. The man who could possibly make her dreams come true. Her new identity is being created. She picks me over him. She talks about a baby. Searching for that thing to make her complete, she thinks she finds it on my path. Who knows how long it took but I am sure she was back in his arms whenever she needed something. To fill that void inside her. Before we went exclusive, she had sexual escapades with me, her boss, Carl, Bobby the bass player, as well as one night stands with others. How many do I not know about? She cybered online with men. She drank excessively. She loved to spend money. A trainwreck waiting to happen. She started modeling again with my help and spawned two modeling identities: one good and one bad so to say. A makeup artist portfolio. A jewelry line. Always needing to do something more to fill up her life that felt so empty to her. I was not enough for her. Neither was the modeling. The boss wasn't either. A term like contentment was foreign to her. Comfort was not preferred. Only drama and chaos: what she has been used to her entire life.
Self medicating with pills to combat depression, she refused therapy. She mixed them with pain killers, muscle relaxers, topamax for migraine prevention, medicine for her bladder, IBS, reflux and who knows what else. She became a zombie. By the time she went off of her depression meds cold turkey for four days, the cracks split wide open. This person, who was inside the whole time, was now out. The identity she had with me could no longer be sustained. Her emotions always a whirlwind due to her bpd, she was not sure she loved me anymore. Later, of course, she did. But it was too late.
While on a break, she went off with Vincent. I found out. Like with most things, she lied. And lied. Finally admitting to it, this person was quite evident to me. She was selfish. Self serving and self absorbed. Petty. Angry. Vindictive. Full of hate. No remorse or empathy. No conscience coming through. Justifying her behaviors and lies. Needing attention always. She became worse on the modelmayhem forums, drawing attention to herself every minute she could. Cruel to me, trying to make me jealous and angry. Refusing to call Emily back to say goodbye. Contacting me for silly reasons. Angry when I began to ignore her. Paranoid about me and her ex-husband. She will keep cycling. Up then down. Happy then sad. Even when she is happy for a short time, she is still filled with those voices of criticism. She is still empty inside. Blaming me for not giving her a baby, for not attending to her needs or paying enough attention to her, she absolved herself of any blame or responsibility. She will continue to act like this. Even calling herself the nickname I called her, kitty to people. I am sure she calls other guys the nickname she called me.
This is who she is. This is what she is. Broken. And I cannot fix her. No one can. She will be like this forever. The girl with the broken smile.
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