Reflections

So many things have come to light. I remember her Mom happy that Rain finally brought a bf home (for the holidays, etc.). I was supposedly the first since her divorce. It was three to four years. Makes sense. This is a girl who cannot commit, pursues a fantasy-like, unobtainable man (her boss who is married). She only has to invest so much emotion, so much feeling and not take the chance of getting hurt much. No wonder they were on and off for years. She obviously needed more from time to time (with her needs and emotions in flux all the time) so she left, went back, left, went back. During these periods, she supposedly went from guy to guy. One night stands. Going to dress and impress at some bar or restaurant. Fooling around in the parking lot or taking the home. That's how it was with us. Met on the dating site. Fooled around in the parking lot of Bahama Breeze on the first date. I got far with her. She told me later she wanted to have sex with me the first night and I could have had her. I made her cum by rubbing through her pants. I may have fingered her as well. Second date was for lunch at Romano's. Third was at Samba Room. After our date, we fooled around heavy. She was mesmerized but scared of my dominant ways. She gave me a great blowjob while I put my finger in her ass. She wanted to go home with me. I declined because my crappy apartment was filled with boxes. I was moving into my townhouse. She saw this as rejection. She broke up with me the next morning. She could not handle being rejected. Within days, we talked and got back together. I took her home that night. She took me to Timpano to make it up for me. After, I took her home and we had incredible, kinky sex. She loved it. I loved it. A match made in heaven, or hell.

I see the sexual addictive type nature she had. I have it too. I see now that she had something deeper going on. Living in a fantasy world with her boss. She cannot be alone. She needs someone, somewhere. For attention. Even if for the night. Most of the time, that's how it is with her. She sees someone briefly, then breaks it off (or won't even go further than the one night). Filling that void she has. She has to feel valid. Feel loved, desired. Sexy. She needs the attention and affection. It's part of who she is. When we were together, I drained myself paying attention to her. Affection. It was just emotionally and physically draining. This is who she is. It is in her nature. She will go off, screw and use the boss when she needs to (someone to lean on...hmmm right) and anyone else to make her feel good. Meantime, I am healing. It will take more time but I am healing. She isn't. She most likely will not get long term help. She most likely will not be one hundred percent honest with a counselor or herself. She never has been. Why start now? She will retreat into her old patterns. After our break up (and her breakdown), she already has. She ran back to the chef. She had her fun like in the old days before I came along. And judging from her recent comments, she is on her way. Her unstable and wild, crazy nature is coming out in full force.

I just need to avoid her completely. I should not care who she is seeing, fucking, what she is doing. This is the life she chooses. I have no ties to her anymore. And to be honest, I already decided a month ago that I don't want her anymore after I found out she spread her legs for the chef. Like I did not know her anymore. I really don't. New personalities or sides to her will keep coming back. So, if I don't want her anymore, I need to make sure I don't care what she's doing. Just sad. Let her destroy herself. She will be unhappy and not have a steady, healthy relationship. She does not know what she wants. She never will unless she gets help. But it is not my concern anymore. I have to focus on me and my future. And any new women that await.