Lies

Alright. I am doing okay. Writing has really helped. Only two people are ever going to read these blogs. I did it more for me anyway. I am not going to "out" her to the modeling community. I am not going to bad mouth her to her family or around town. It's done. With sadness and relief, it's done.

Yes, she ended it because she could not see the relationship going further. Pretty much my fault according to her in so many words. She lost feelings for me She lost a connection to me. She believed I would not give her a baby or want to remarry. She could not see us living together.

Of course not. It would destroy her reality. She has a sexual relationship with her married boss. Now, Rain claims it was only after we broke up (went on a break.....in her mind it was over though...see the justification....glad she let me in on it). She had this relationship with him in the past during her divorce and whenever she needed, in her own words, someone to lean on.

EVEN IF she never had anything with him while we were together, it still shatters her reality. The two worlds are never to meet. She was caught in her lies. She tried to deny everything. She tried to lie to cover up more lies. She tried to say she didn't want to talk about it, it was none of my business. But, after all these years, I finally got a partial confession out of her. She did it. Of course she does not want to admit it. She will not admit it to her best friend. Not to her mother. Not to anyone. Why? Because she is ashamed and deep down she knows she was wrong all these years. And that realization would make her a bad person in her mind. Hard to justify it all.

Now, with me not being the most stupid person in the world, I realize there is a good chance that she had something behind my back in the past five years. Maybe it was recent, prompting her decision. Maybe it was in the past. Maybe at a XMas work function I was not allowed to come to. Or a late night visit by him with champagne to cheer her up. Rain has such casual feelings about sex, it would not surprise me. I remember once she was caught cybering with some loser. We could see other people at that early stage in dating. She was even thinking of meeting him (he was out of state). I remember her response, "it's only sex. It would have been only sex." And here I thought I had liberal thoughts and views on sex.

It just makes me wonder, from Shorty's (the boss) point of view. Why give up your hot, available and attainable squeeze? Answer: he won't. She is there whenever he needs her. He certainly loves to cheat according to Rain. He does not want to go home to his wife of 30 years. What man would not want a hot piece of ass that is at his beckon call? He is not going to let up. She can say no only so long. And since they have a past that is rooted in her tragedies and him being a savior to her; someone to lean on, someone that is there for her, he has it made. He was probably doing this with her since she was about 25. Why would it stop now?

From her point of view: Why should she stop seeing Shorty? She can for awhile but what happened when all the lay offs at the hotel started up?  Especially if he was coming on to her and dropping hints. She is no dummy. One thing I can say about Rain, she is not stupid. She has to keep that job. She wants to get that raise. She wants that good review. She needs him to go up to the front office and stick up for her. He is going to call that sales manager and stick up for her. He makes sure she has those ten days off every XMas time! I mean, it's just sex. With someone she considers a friend. More like with someone she apparently loves or has loved. You don't put a picture of you and a man in a heart frame without feelings and hope being there.

And the sad thing, she could not admit it to me. She claimed she was not in love with him. Even after our five year relationship was over, she could not admit much to me. She could not bring herself to tell me the truth. Everything became "its none of your business," "i wont talk about this." Like suddenly it's MY fault I want to know and get some peace of mind. Of course she claims he had no part in our break up. I tend to think his offer to her was on the table. And even if there was no offer, she is not the type to break up with anyone and not have a backup for attention and affection. It's what she feeds off of. She cannot be totally alone. And she won't be. The proof was in the pictures I was sent. Two weeks into our break, she went away with him and fucked him. She had a hard time admitting to me that they went away for three days to a posh place, took a romantic carriage ride, had an expensive dinner and there was no sex at night. LOL. Like I don't KNOW HER. Oh my God. That was the best. Especially when she admitted to me there was a thing in the past. And her ex husband said in his email that he was over there at night paying some visits. Damnnnnnnn.

The sad thing about Rain is the pathological lying. Even with a picture she tried to lie. Even when the pictures were found years ago, she lied. Even when I told her there was no going back now she lied. It was not until she was brought to her lowest point of sadness and guilt that she admitted to some of it. I feel bad for the next guy. And the guy after that. She lies and lies. This is the life she chose. How sad and pathetic for someone who I placed so high and thought so beautiful. She turned out to be quite ugly on the inside.

What she called "bad judgment", I call many years of making destructive choices and lying to people who truly love you.