Modeling and Mayhem

The modeling took off for her in a small way. The photography did the same for me. We took pictures, we had fun, we joined a modeling/photography community and met a whole bunch of people, etc.  We found something new we were connected to and enjoyed. We made great pictures together and she seemed to love me more and more. It was 2007. Previously, around the holidays (in 06), we almost broke up. She was confused about her feelings for me. She was not sure if she had a connection to me. She was scared. After our talk, and her crying, we stayed together. The shifting nature of her emotions were usually around the same time periods. November to December around the holidays. And Summer, specifically August.

August 2007:

We broke up again with the same exact words after her surgery. I felt bad for her and wanted to be there to support her. She was on a host of pain medications and was depressed. We did not have sex for 6 months and it cut a connection to me for her. I said fine and left. Done. I was tired of this emotional roller coaster. I drove away and did not look back.

Five weeks later, she sends me gifts for my birthday. She sends a card, explaining her feelings. I thank her in a short email. She keeps emailing me and I am strong. I ask her why she keeps emailing me. She asks if I can call her this week. I decline saying we have nothing left to talk about. She pleads so I agree. Fool that I am. I call her and she wants to talk in person. I decline at first but she always knew she had a way of getting to me. I still loved her. So I agree. Did I mention the word fool?

She told me she loved me. She wanted me. She would do anything. I agreed. I had conditions. She had to start seeing a therapist for this crap. She had to promise me she was going to talk about her feelings and emotions first and not just end things. She agreed. Believe it or not, you would think this story gets worse. It actually doesn't. The following three years were much better and less dramatic then our first two. Maybe she was the one. Was I going to really spend my life with her? What kept stopping me over the years? People said I need to marry her. We should move in. But I never went that route. Why? Did I always realize this was never going to happen? That there was something off about her? She sensed it too. We were very in tune to each other.